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There’s something I don’t understand about peoples’ scenes.
Sometimes the dom will have the sub count the number of strokes during impact play. I have yet to find any reason behind this, even though it’s a fairly common practice.
Why are you so obsessed with knowing the number of times you’re hitting someone? Does that number really matter? Is is OCD? And are you so lazy you can’t keep a silent count in your head if you really want to know the number?
So many subs consistently put themselves down, and they wonder why they have so much trouble finding somebody. Usually, they blame it on the mythological ratio of dominant women to submissive men. Introspection isn’t always easy, and it takes less effort to blame it on some external factor that you have no control over.
It’s time to look at yourself and your approach.
“Worthless” is a pretty common descriptor they use. Seriously, if you’re worthless, and you’re giving yourself to someone else, what kind of gift is that? “Here, have a worthless piece of crap.” Gee, thanks.
Others try to degrade or humiliate themselves in the hopes of impressing someone. Come on, guys, leave that to her. If you humiliate yourself, that leaves none for her. You’ve already done it, so she can’t. On top of that, this approach assumes that a scene has already started, and that’s making a pretty big assumption. Some find that insulting. You may be all horned up, but you can’t just jump right to the scene without making some sort of connection with that person first.
How about growing a spine? What fun is it to dominate a limp noodle?
Come closer and I’ll tell you a secret. Ready? Most women enjoy it more when they dominate men who are strong, confident (but not arrogant) and have a sense of self-worth. Not only that, but the pure attraction and chemistry usually flow in both directions a lot better when you’re sure of yourself.
Get up off your knees and have a normal conversation. If there’s chemistry, she’ll put you back on your knees soon enough.
We’ve all run into the do-me subs- people who are only concerned with their own needs and not the needs of the dom. It’s a selfish approach to bdsm. They usually hold some unrealistic, overly idealistic fantasies. And there are plenty of do-me dommes with the same attitude, thinking it’s only about them. And of course, they’ve got their own unrealistic fantasies. It’s the same problem on both ends of the d/s spectrum.
Here’s what I don’t understand: Lots of do-me dommes think they alone define what constitutes d/s. If you don’t agree with their one-sided fantasy, then you’re “not really submissive” or “just playing games”. If you’re not interested in doing their housework or being cheated on, they try to insult you and belittle your submission. They feel justified in this double standard; they’ll often knock the do-me subs, yet they carry the same “all about me” attitude themselves. And they think that’s okay, simply because they call themselves dominant.
This isn’t a problem of being submissive or not submissive. It’s a problem of compatibility. Just because you’re not compatible, that doesn’t mean the other person isn’t submissive. They may not be your particular flavor of submissive, but that doesn’t give you the right to make them feel like they have no place in bdsm. It’s a matter of personal preference. If someone doesn’t fit well with you, find someone who does.
It always makes me laugh when people feel the need to turn bdsm into some inane sociopolitical movement. It happens both in the femdom and maledom crowds; each thinks they have “evidence” for why this is supposedly the natural order of things. They come up with all sorts of weakly contrived reasons as to why their particular group of choice is superior to others. Hitler used the same approach.
The female supremacists seem to be on a Quixotic quest to spread their vision to the world. They fail to realize that these are their personal interests, not a grand social reform agenda. While it’s natural to want to tell others about the things we love, it’s childish to think that everyone else should feel the same way.
“If women ruled the world…” is their battle cry. They pitch all sorts of utopian scenarios, all the while typing with one hand. If you want to know what kind of job women would do in positions of power, look around. They’re screwing things up just as much as the male politicians. Stupidity and greed know no gender.
What makes me laugh even harder is the fact that the majority of female supremacists have very little, if any, actual experience with real-time bdsm. Obviously there are exceptions, but I’ve found this to be mostly true. The majority of people in the scene (in person, not online) don’t hold anything even vaguely resembling these beliefs. I think that if most female supremacists had a chance to experience what they’re pushing for, they wouldn’t last a day. In fact, upon meeting a real-life dominant woman, most would wet themselves and run.
If you want to believe that boys have cooties, go right ahead. Having your own beliefs isn’t completely illegal yet. Just know that sexism is no different than racism.
I feel old. And I’m not even 30 yet.
At a munch last month, I was talking with someone, and we realized that we are the old-timers in our group. Not necessarily by age, but by the amount of time we’ve been involved in the community. We’ve been a part of these groups and events longer than 90-95% of the people there.
A large part of that is due to the huge influx of people we’ve had this past year. One of the munches is now being run by someone else, and it’s breathed new life into the scene. She’s using sites like fetlife to promote the group and holding well-attended events at the dungeon once a month. Along with her, I co-host a casual newcomers’ meeting for people new to the public scene, new to bdsm, or new to the city. Because of all these things, our community has grown rapidly. One of the munch groups ran out of room and had to move somewhere more spacious. And I think it’s awesome that there are so many people getting involved now; we’re consistently getting at least a couple new people each month.
A year ago, a certain munch averaged about 20 people. Now it averages 50.
With this flood of new faces comes a fresh spirit. Most of them haven’t been brainwashed by all the whiny, unrealistic propaganda you see so often online. They generally seem to understand that bdsm is a very individual experience and that there is no universal way to do things.
Another positive aspect to this growth is that we’re finally starting to gain a slight modicum of balance in the scene. As long as I’ve been in the local scene, the community has been lopsided in regard to maledom vs. femdom people. That’s slowly changing.
We’re not real sure how far this growth will go or what kinds of problems will accompany it. Will we need to split some of the munches into smaller groups? Keep looking for larger venues? With so many more people coming in, will lots of drama and politics creep in as well? Will an army of penguins invade and make us all learn to yodel? I guess we’ll find out soon enough.
