Self-Control

Online, lots of guys talk about how they need to be put in chastity because they can’t control themselves. They see themselves as too weak to maintain control of their masturbatory habits. So, of course, a cock cage is the solution.

How does this make any sense at all?

If you have no self-control, that’s a problem. If your wanking is getting to the point where it interferes with your life, you need more help than just a chastity device. If you’re genuinely addicted (to anything) then get help. It’s out there.

Besides, one of the hot parts of bdsm is giving control to someone else. If you don’t have that control in the first place, how can you give it to the other person? What kind of domme would want to be with someone who’s too weak to control his own life, someone who doesn’t have his affairs in order?

If you’re talking with other bdsmers, and you’re into t&d, just be honest about it. There’s no need to make up some story or absurd reason why you “need” to be locked up. If you’re into it, that’s reason enough. If this type of play does something for you, do it.

Man-meat

I’ve been thinking about the paradoxical (at least for me) nature of masculinity lately, and one of Bitchy Jones’ recent posts struck a chord with me.

I’ve been called butch by friends before, which felt a bit odd being applied to a guy. I dress in a masculine way which emphasizes my body. One guy in the local scene even said, “You’re the only normal male sub I know” since I’m not the stereotypical obsequious sissy maid type. Working out and dressing this way gives me a boost in confidence and makes me feel sexy when I go out. I take pride in my appearance. When I go to a bdsm event, I’ll be in jeans (which fit properly) or leather pants, a somewhat snug shirt, or maybe a leather shirt. I don’t go in a French maid’s outfit. Pretty much the exact opposite.

On the other hand, I have done some feminization play in private, and the woman I was playing with and I both found it hot. To me, the appeal was more that this isn’t who I am in daily life, so it pushed me some. If I were in that state all the time (by my own hand or someone else’s) it’d lose a lot of appeal.

Plus, I think the traditional gender roles are a bunch of crap. Being told that we should do certain jobs around the house, get specific careers, or take the majority of responsibility for romance just because of how we were born is hypocritical and worthless.

Masculinity itself has become a caricature. When people talk of masculinity, some often cartoonish images come to mind. Yet we’re expected to hold ourselves to these played-out standards and be the crotch-scratching, overly-hairy, money-throwing, willing-to-do-anything-for-sex, drunken frat boy types who aren’t able to talk about feelings in any capacity. Personally, I refuse to be that. It’s not who I am.

For me, masculinity has two faces. There’s the sexy, comfortable side, and there’s the prefabricated stereotypical sludge that others push on us.

Well That Didn’t Take Long

Any kind of bdsm social site or message board can’t seem to exist very long without being overrun with morons.

A while back, some friends in the local scene turned me on to Fetlife. (If you know what I go by online, I have the same name on that site.) It’s a relatively new site, though it’s been around long enough to become really established. Overall, I like it there. It’s very customizable, and there are a few different local groups on there where we can post event announcements and poke each other. There are tons of other groups of every category. But in looking around in a lot of the other groups, the online fantasy mentality infests most of the conversations. Other groups are plagued by drama. Even groups that at first glance seem to be filled with levelheaded people who actually do bdsm in real life are quickly pounced on by wannabe doms and webcam subs. All the classic myths are presented as not only reality, but as the ultimate truth. There’s the “the sub’s desires don’t matter” line, the “orgasm denial makes you a better person” approach, the “all bdsmers are non-Christians and democrats” lie, and of course, “subs should do whatever they’re asked without question or independent thought”.

I do really like the site. But I recently pared down my groups because of all the stereotypical internet wankery. I have no interest in living by someone else’s absurd rules and arbitrary protocol, nor do I believe my sexuality and identity can be molded to some arrogant assbagel’s one-sided fantasy. I partake in bdsm in the real world. That’s where my interest lies. Not in having the same circular arguments with Her Royal Highness Princess WhinyBitch and her pathetic army of puppets.

Fetlife is great as a community bulletin board. And it’s fun. It’s very much a useful site as long as you watch your step for all the verbal excrement being spewed by some people.

Piss on Me, But Not on My Kinks

I’ve done some “forced” feminization play before.  And while I found it hot, it’s something that only a handful of people in the local scene know I sometimes engage in.  I’d like to be more open about it, but people seem to have a lot of misconceptions about it.  They make assumptions that just aren’t true.  I find that incredibly ironic considering that the bdsm community is a group of nonconformists, people who tend to break away from all the typical ways and standard assumptions.  Narrow thinking annoys me.  So do people who dress up their dogs in little costumes, but that’s a different post altogether.

One problem is that some think forced fem play is degrading to women.  They say that if femininity is humiliating, then that’s a way of seeing women as being lower than men.  I understand that way of thinking.  And I agree.  The thing they don’t get is that the appeal isn’t in femininity being humiliating.  Because really, femininity itself is not humiliating.  Femininity is beautiful.  The humiliating aspect is that, for the most part, I don’t identify as effeminate.  So being made to emulate something I’m not can be humiliating.

If I did identify as feminine, it’d simply be part of who I am, and it would have no humiliating effect.

Another problem is that people tend to look down on those who practice forced fem.  Even if the sub is stereotypically über-masculine 99% of the time, if people see him doing this type of play, their attitudes change.  Not all react that way, of course, but quite a few do.  Some will say that they’re okay with people doing it, yet they begin to treat differently those who are into it.

Part of that condescension may have to do with stereotypes.  Only a small percentage of Muslims are terrorists.  Only a small percentage of blacks are thugs.  But those few on the extreme end get the press, so people start to believe that the majority are like that.  Same with forced fem.  There are some pushy, top-from-the-bottom do-me queens out there who are often one-trick ponies.  And often, that one trick is fem play.  People have bad experiences with them, and they tend to equate forced fem (and anyone who does it) with these socially inept wankers.

One last reason I don’t do any fem play in public has nothing to do with others’ perceptions or ideas.  When I do any kind of humiliation play, it feels like anyone who is watching is also taking part in the scene, taking part in my humiliation.  So I’m essentially playing with everyone there.  While humiliation in front of a group is more powerful than one-on-one, it also presents a problem.  I don’t play with everybody.  I need to be attracted to whoever I’m playing with.  (It’s really not such an odd idea-  would you have sex with people you weren’t attracted to?)  If there is a group of people watching my humiliation in a scene, the only way I’d be able to get into it is if I were attracted to all of them.  A scenario like that most likely isn’t going to happen.

Forced feminization can be tasty.  It’s humiliating, it’s fun, it’s sexy.  Being made to do this, to do something I won’t do on my own, brings to the forefront the power exchange between two people.  But stereotyping and presumptuous thinking present major hurdles for anyone who practices this type of play.  Even within a community of open-minded kinksters.  I do my part to correct any misconceptions out there, but sometimes that’s not enough.

My Eye Candy is Laced with Laxative

Looking at some of the femdom pics online makes me laugh.  Sure, some of it is hot.  And it can occasionally provide some neat ideas for things to try.  But other stuff just screams, “What is wrong with you?!?”

Really, who has this kind of expression when they’re fucking someone?

It makes me wonder what she’s screaming.

“REMEMBER THE ALAMO!”

“YOU’LL NEVER GET ME LUCKY CHARMS!”

“THORACENTESIS IS THE MOST EFFECTIVE TREATMENT FOR PLEURAL EFFUSION IN SPITE OF THE POTENTIAL RISK OF PNEUMOTHORAX!”

I just don’t get a lot of the femdom pics out there.  Women flipping off the camera?  About as sexy as Dr. Phil in a thong.

There’s often this fake, robobitch approach which shows how little these models really understand about femdom.  It’s obvious they’re paid actors who don’t get it.  The cold, detached expressions only show that they’re trying to portray femdom based on society’s misinformed, stereotypical view of it.

And they expect us to believe that the camera operator just happened to get the timing right, and nailed the pic of the woman kicking the man in the balls.  Right at the point of contact.  Just as she happened to be looking at the camera.  Without any motion blurring in the pic.

Why do they look at the camera when they’re supposedly in a scene with someone?  It gives me the impression that I’m at a party and someone near me is talking loudly during a scene, causing the people playing to look up.

Some photo sets don’t even show faces.  To me, that’s one of the more important parts.  I like seeing the enjoyment on the dom’s face, the smile gleaned from causing the sub pain, the agony in the sub’s expression.  Doing away with all that depersonalizes it, making into some generic parody. It also implies that the people involved aren’t important, that it’s just the action itself that’s sexy.

The video clips are just as bad.  Some of these people almost end up putting the subs in the hospital because of their lack of aim with floggers, canes, belts, etc.  They swing wildly, hitting the kidneys, wrapping, nailing any random body part in the area.

The guys don’t fare any better.  Some just repeat, “Yes, Mistress” any time the dom says anything.  And it’s usually in a droning monotone.  Ooh, a two-word vocabulary……now that’s sexy.  They’d be better off gagging guys like that.  Moaning (or screaming) into a gag is exponentially hotter than the same two words repeated constantly.

By the way, if he’s able to calmly repeat himself that often, without any anguish in his voice, you’re not pushing him hard enough.  He’s bored.  Give him something to squirm about.  Make him writhe.  Make him hurt.  That’s sexy.  Much sexier than, “Yes, Mistress……Yes, Mistress……Yes, Mistress…”

For the sake of those who pay for pics and video clips online, I hope the paid content out there is better than the free stuff.  I’d hate to think people are paying to see sludge like this.

Finally, for those who can’t get enough of the good stuff……clickety click.

Dominant Doms Dominating with Dominance (of Doom)

Why do we use the word “domme”?   Where did it come from?  For me, “domme” is a habit which I’m slowly getting away from, and I’ve got a number of reasons for that.

First off, why do we need to differentiate by gender?  There are no doctorres, soldierres, or pilottes.  A doctor is a doctor, regardless of gender.  Why do we have to have this distinction when it comes to dominance?  There’s no need to frou-frou up the word just because we’re talking about a woman.

Gender has nothing to do with style of dominance.  There are doms of every gender who are fiercely sadistic, mild and sensual, cold and uncaring, or wildly erratic.

On top of that, gender is fluid.  It’s not a black-or-white issue.  Just like political parties, there are more than just the two most popular ones.

Gender is also separate from behavior.  Your particular configuration of fun sex parts is a totally different subject than socially-programmed behavior.  They’re two different things.  But for most people, gender and behavior are linked.  If you were born this way, you have to act this way.  And so behavior, for many, becomes a way of identifying gender in a person.  Of course, if you have even a few friends in the GLBT crowd, you know that’s a bunch of crap.

I understand that differentiating can be about being proud of who you are. But why pick this one particular aspect, this one facet of many, to repeatedly be proud of? Isn’t the rest of you worth being proud of too?

And if differentiating by gender is so important, why are there no subbes?

There is one thing “domme” has going for it though: it has an elegant vibe.  But can we please step away from the goofy pronunciations? Some pronounce it “dom-MAY”.  This faux-French pronunciation smacks of pretentiousness.  The safeword is “Grey Poupon”.

crackheads abound

Some words and phrases in bdsm make me shudder.  Not so much for the words themselves, but for the connotations they have in my head, gleaned from my experiences.

A couple titles have this effect on me.  One is “goddess”.  Most of the people I’ve run into who bestow this title on themselves are arrogant and insecure.  These are usually the ones who have to put others down in order to feel good about themselves.  This level of arrogance surpasses even male doms, some of whom are notoriously arrogant.  How many men do you know who seriously call themselves gods?  If you’re constantly having to prop yourself up and give yourself lofty titles, alway seeking confirmation of your exalted status, that’s not a sign of strength.  It’s one of weakness.

Another cringe-inducing title is “princess”.  Eew.  Whether it’s in a bdsm context or a ‘nilla one, it smacks of laziness, greed, and self-centeredness.  There’s a big difference between “dominant woman” and “whiny, spoiled, self-entitled brat”.  They often take the “gimmie gimmie gimmie” approach; rather than being dominant, they just sit back and make demands.  They usually have an “it’s all about me” attitude as well.  To that self-absorbed attitude, I say that’s alright……if it’s all about you, I don’t need to be in the picture.  Bye.

And some people are desperate enough to put up with these attitudes since it’s the closest they’ll ever get to anything remotely resembling bdsm.  Thankfully, this is much more common online than it is in the real world.

march of the sexist buttwads

In a way, I envy people in male-dominant/female-submissive relationships.  Not all, of course.  But out of the people I know, most of whom are in that type of relationship since the local scene is horribly lopsided, there seems to be more balance.

In male-dominant relationships, the sub does nice things for the dom.  She’s a sub.  Subs tend to do that.  And the dom does nice things for the sub as well.  Got to take care of the one you love.  Balance.

Gay and lesbian relationships also generally show that balance.  You don’t see two lesbians standing at the door staring at each other, each waiting for the other to open the door.

However.

In female-dominant/male-submissive relationships, it’s harder to find people who are open to that balance.  The sub is expected not only to fulfill his subbly duties, but also to be responsible for the romance.  And the dom is expected to just sit back and tell the sub what she wants.  Not only that, but male doms tend to actually talk to someone they’re interested in; the majority of female doms most often expect to be approached, to be wowed while they sit back and critique.

This all comes down to society’s sexist idea of chivalry.  They think that chivalry involves men doing nice things for women, ignoring the fact that women are equally capable of (and responsible for) romance.  In both types of relationship, the man is expected to take care of the romance, to take care of his lady. Only the female subs are expected to return the effort.  The doms are somehow above all this; they can receive romance, but doing something nice for the sub is beneath them.

Some of the other femdomers I’ve run into take this one-sided approach.  It’s more common online, but I see it in person too.  On the other hand, the majority of male-dominant/female-submissive couples I know tend to have a more egalitarian groove.  Obviously this isn’t true for everyone.  There are always exceptions.  But it’s become enough of a pattern to become easily visible.

I see so many male subs not only submitting and taking care of the doms, but also trying to sweep them off their feet.  Meanwhile, she just sits back and says, “Gimmie gimmie gimmie”.  Where’s the effort on her part?  Where’s the romance?  This is nothing more than laziness and greed.  I’d rather not be in a relationship with Jabba the Hutt, thank you.

If the relationship is to last (regardless of d/s configuration) both people need to make an effort to court each other.  It runs both ways.  Love and d/s don’t have to be mutually exclusive.

Love means making an effort.  Yes, even if you’re dominant.  It’s important to show love, not just receive it.  Merely accepting someone’s love, submission, and trust is not enough.

I’ve been in relationships where the (dominant) woman I was with would sometimes open a door for me, as I did for her.  I loved the looks people would give me.  Vanilla women would glare.  The bdsmers would look confused.  It was beautiful every time.  “*gasp* You’re not following the script!”

I have yet to hear a sensible explanation of why I should buy into the traditional sexist idea of gender-based chivalry.  Usually all I hear is, “Because it’s nice” or, “It’s always been done that way”.  Hmm.  It’s “nice”.  So it’s not nice for a woman to be romantic or make an effort?  And just because other people, past or present, have done something, what does that have to do with me?  Paying women less is something that’s always been done; does that mean we should follow suit?  Why should I be a sheep who blindly follows their lead?  That’s why I’m not real big on tradition in general.  I don’t feel compelled to do things just because others have done them in the past.  But when those traditions are sexist, I stand firmly against them.

I refuse to believe that my cock excludes me from being on the receiving end of romance.  Being born a certain gender is not an excuse to be treated better or worse than someone else.

I definitely make an effort to treat the one I’m with well.  But I expect the same.  Romance is important.  When you love someone, you show it.  Regardless of gender or d/s status.