Self-Control

Online, lots of guys talk about how they need to be put in chastity because they can’t control themselves. They see themselves as too weak to maintain control of their masturbatory habits. So, of course, a cock cage is the solution.

How does this make any sense at all?

If you have no self-control, that’s a problem. If your wanking is getting to the point where it interferes with your life, you need more help than just a chastity device. If you’re genuinely addicted (to anything) then get help. It’s out there.

Besides, one of the hot parts of bdsm is giving control to someone else. If you don’t have that control in the first place, how can you give it to the other person? What kind of domme would want to be with someone who’s too weak to control his own life, someone who doesn’t have his affairs in order?

If you’re talking with other bdsmers, and you’re into t&d, just be honest about it. There’s no need to make up some story or absurd reason why you “need” to be locked up. If you’re into it, that’s reason enough. If this type of play does something for you, do it.

Assumptions

I find it odd that in a community of nonconformists, there are so many assumptions commonly held.

For example, if you’re involved in the public scene, you’re generally assumed to be a democrat, non-Christian, and if you’re female, bisexual.

On top of that, people make assumptions about individual style of d/s. You’re submissive, so you must think this way, act this way, and carry yourself this way. After breaking away from the standard way of doing things and embracing this side of ourselves, why do people feel the need to constrain us with further unnecessary rules and restrictions?

Well That Didn’t Take Long

Any kind of bdsm social site or message board can’t seem to exist very long without being overrun with morons.

A while back, some friends in the local scene turned me on to Fetlife. (If you know what I go by online, I have the same name on that site.) It’s a relatively new site, though it’s been around long enough to become really established. Overall, I like it there. It’s very customizable, and there are a few different local groups on there where we can post event announcements and poke each other. There are tons of other groups of every category. But in looking around in a lot of the other groups, the online fantasy mentality infests most of the conversations. Other groups are plagued by drama. Even groups that at first glance seem to be filled with levelheaded people who actually do bdsm in real life are quickly pounced on by wannabe doms and webcam subs. All the classic myths are presented as not only reality, but as the ultimate truth. There’s the “the sub’s desires don’t matter” line, the “orgasm denial makes you a better person” approach, the “all bdsmers are non-Christians and democrats” lie, and of course, “subs should do whatever they’re asked without question or independent thought”.

I do really like the site. But I recently pared down my groups because of all the stereotypical internet wankery. I have no interest in living by someone else’s absurd rules and arbitrary protocol, nor do I believe my sexuality and identity can be molded to some arrogant assbagel’s one-sided fantasy. I partake in bdsm in the real world. That’s where my interest lies. Not in having the same circular arguments with Her Royal Highness Princess WhinyBitch and her pathetic army of puppets.

Fetlife is great as a community bulletin board. And it’s fun. It’s very much a useful site as long as you watch your step for all the verbal excrement being spewed by some people.

Femdom Myth #492

The bdsm crowd online is different in a lot of ways from the in-person/real-time bdsm crowd.  Even in regard to philosophy, there are tons of differences between the two.

One example is the myth that chastity makes a man more submissive.  This is no different than saying that drinking makes you more outgoing.  You may feel more outgoing while you’re drinking, but the next morning, you’re back to normal.  It doesn’t change you.  The percieved effect only lasts as long as the drug.  Same with t&d.  It doesn’t actually change the person; it only changes the way they feel temporarily.

I think part of this faulty reasoning comes from the fact that lots of people feel they have to somehow justify their kinks or interests.  These people feel they have to come up with some sort of reason or validation for the things they’re into.  Instead, why not do the things you’re into without having to think up a list of fake reasons?  Isn’t enjoyment enough?  Why not just admit you’re into it (or curious about it) and have fun?

I’ve seen guys write things like, “I want to get into chastity because I don’t treat my wife as well as I should” or some variant of that.  How about taking some personal responsibility for your actions there, sparky?  If you want to treat her better, do it. It’s that simple.  If you want to be more submissive, more attentive to her needs, or more willing to try new things, do it.  You don’t need to be locked up in order to be a loving partner.  If you’re submissive, submit.  If you’re a lover, love.  If you need chastity to be a decent human being, you don’t deserve a relationship.

Others get into t&d because they claim their constant masturbation is hurting their relationships.  I don’t understand how someone with that much of a lack of self control even has a relationship (or a job) to begin with.  If you can’t control your own actions, you’ve got problems that a chastity device isn’t going to fix.  Same goes for the “I don’t treat my wife right” guys.

And of course, there are those who talk about how, after an orgasm, they become lazy, selfish, and rude.  What strikes me is that they realize that there’s a problem, yet they refuse to do anything about it.  They don’t make an effort to treat their ladies right.  Instead, they try to pawn off the responsibility for their actions on someone else by saying, “lock it up.”

As a side note, yes, that “crash” after orgasm is a hormonal thing.  But hormones don’t give anyone the right to treat others poorly, especially those they claim to love.  Whether it’s PMS or a post-orgasm drop, the feelings are very real, but there still exists a responsibility to treat others right.  Your actions are yours; you can’t pass them off on someone else.  You can’t drive drunk, hit a pedestrian, then say, “It’s not my fault- I was drunk.”

Chastity is not going to fix a bad relationship.  It’s not a magical solution to your own personal shortcomings.  When you buy a chastity device, there’s no leprechaun who jumps out of it and fixes your flaws.  Unless you buy the deluxe model.  Just be sure to remove the leprechaun from the device before you put it on.  We can’t be having any squished leprechauns.  The leprechaun union would have a fit.  And all those leprechaun entrails would make the cock cage smell bad.

Stealth Submission

Lots of people online talk about how they’re trying to turn their wives on to bdsm.  Some actually (*gasp*) talk about it with their partners.  This is generally the more successful route.

Others try stealth submission.  And plenty of people give advice, advocating this approach.  They tell people things along these lines-

If you want your wife to dominate you, start doing all the housework.  Do the laundry, the dishes, cook all the meals, clean, all without complaint.  Stop disagreeing with her.  She’s always right from now on, so what she says goes, in every situation.  Spend lots of money on her, or even hand over all your paychecks.  Encourage her to take other lovers, and start wearing a chastity device.

There are a ton of problems with this approach.  It baffles me that this is advocated so frequently on message boards and groups.

First off, this is not going to turn someone into something she’s not.  She’s not going to come out with a strap-on and piss in your mouth just because you do the housework.  If anything, someone who gets accustomed to not doing their share of the housework will become lazy and selfish.  There’s a big difference between lazy and dominant.  Taking this approach can only lead to a spoiled, whiny princess.  Even if it doesn’t lead to that, it doesn’t mean she’s going to be dominant.  She may just think, “Oh, he’s doing the housework.  How nice.”  It won’t compel her to dominate.  This will not hit some magical domme button inside her.

The idea of never again disagreeing is another common tenet of this approach.  Giving in in every area won’t lead to a dominant woman.  It’ll lead her to take advantage of you and walk all over you.  This gives her free reign to do whatever she likes, without repercussions.  “That’s okay”, they argue, “It’s all about her desires, not his.”  What happens when she does something that’s too much?  What happens when this guy who’s been fantasizing about femdom suddenly realizes that he’s human and has limits?  It’s too late now; she has total power.

Plus, these guys forget that they are the ones their wives and girlfriends fell in love with.  Changing into someone else, acting weak, and becoming a spineless little puppet might cause their wives to fall out of love with them.  Maybe she fell in love with a man who is in control, someone confident.  When he starts becoming a sniveling, obsequious wimp, she’s going to bail.

Stealth submission is advocated as an alternative to actual communication.  But if someone can’t (or won’t) communicate freely, what chance do they have of making bdsm work for them?  A bdsm relationship requires open communication.  If you don’t have that, it won’t work.

To be fair, it’s important to consider the source.  Most of the guys who advocate this approach have little or no experience with femdom.  That high level of idealism is a mark of inexperience.  Maybe they’ve gone to see pros a few times, or maybe they role-play in chat while they wank on webcams.  The majority of them have never had anything resembling a femdom relationship.  And with this approach, they never will.

I’m a horse…

…and I never knew it.  At least that’s what some people tell me.  They want me to be part of some “stable” of subs.  Invariably, I laugh and refuse to have any part of it.

Whether it’s romantic, sexual, emotional, or play, one-sided poly is not going to happen.  Period.  I’m not going to be faithful to someone who isn’t willing to give me the same.  Either it’s monogamy or poly; I’ve done both.  But if someone I’m with is going to try to hold herself to a different standard than she holds me to, we’re going to have problems.  If you want monogamy, we can do that.  If you want poly, then I’m going to have other partners as well.

Too often, the people espousing this lopsided arrangement want the benefits of poly without the responsibilities.  They want multiple partners, yet they can’t handle the jealousy they feel when their partners have someone else.  If you can’t handle it, don’t do it.  It’s called personal responsibility.  Try it sometime.

Some say, “You can only serve one person” or, “You can only have one domme.”  Why is that?  No one has ever been able to answer that question.  It’s very possible for some people to juggle multiple relationships.  If they’re talking about the emotional connection, it runs both ways.  Unless we’re talking about some online domme with an army of part-time wankers.  That’s more of a casual arrangement with guys who don’t want anything that takes up any real part of their lives.  Log in, role-play for a while, then get back to your life for a week or so.  That may work for some people, but for an in-the-flesh relationship, there are bound to be problems with this arrangement if any of the subs have a sense of self-worth.  The only exception I can think of is if both people have a cuckolding fetish.  Even then, it’d still be important to be on the same page as far as emotions, intimacy, and sex.

Why should I sit on a shelf and collect dust?  Why should I wait, unsatisfied, while the one I care about is getting her ya-ya’s out with someone else?  I deserve better than that.  Of course, that means I’m not a Real True Slave®.  I never claimed to be.

The whole “poly for dommes only” idea is a joke.

I’m not into blog-posting

Forced bi confuses me.

So do kidney beans, but that’s another post entirely.

One of my main issues with forced bi is that it implies that homosexuality is humiliating or degrading.  That’s insulting to a lot of people.  If homosexuality is degrading, it also brings with it the implication that hetero people are somehow above or better than gays/lesbians/bi.

I’ve got mixed feelings on the “forced” part.  In consensual bdsm, nothing is truly forced.  Unless we’re talking about consensual nonconsensual play, which is a different story altogether.  But I understand the appeal of the use of force, of that feeling of helplessness.  The use of force is sexy.  It makes people turn all jellylike.  So I don’t take much issue with them employing the word “forced”.  I know what they mean.

What really baffles me is the number of guys who seek out this type of play, then pretend they don’t want to do it.  They post about how they’d just love to be made to suck a big cock and swallow his cum, and they go into graphic detail about these well-thought-out fantasies.  They even post personal ads seeking experiences like this.  They make a real effort chasing bisexual encounters.  But they claim they’re not bi.  They want to be sexual with members of their own gender, and they seek it out, but they’re not bi.  If you find it hot and you want to do it, why not just admit that you want it?  Saying they don’t want it, yet going after it at the same time, is no different than going to a party seeking to get caned while claiming you’re vanilla and not into pain.

Personally, I don’t go down on anyone I’m not attracted to, regardless of gender.  Forced bi, with me, is no different than trying to get me to go down on a woman I don’t find attractive.  Either way, it’s not going to happen.  I don’t care about the gender; what I care about is the level of attraction.  I haven’t yet met a man I’m attracted to.  You can’t force attraction.

So why don’t you see these people posting about how they want to be forced to go down on a woman with green teeth, hairy moles, and severe body odor?  If they really want to be forced to go down on someone they claim they aren’t attracted to, this should satisfy them just as much.

I’ve never met anyone in person who takes the “I’m straight but I want to suck cock” approach which is so popular online.  Locally, people who seek bi-sex are honest about being bi.  They don’t try to say that they’re not really bi.  But there are a lot of people out there who just haven’t come to terms with their feelings and desires, and so they lie to themselves and others.  That’s not to say it’s easy to come to terms with one’s desires; lots of people struggle with that, whether it’s bdsm, sexual orientation, or whatever.  It’s not always easy to admit your desires to others or to yourself.  There’s the whole “it’s wrong, and there’s something wrong with me for wanting this” mindset that creeps in.  When that mindset does creep in, we either give in to it and suppress our feelings, or we beat it with a stick until it goes and bothers someone else.

the pitfalls of one-handed typing

Countless people online write outlandish fantasies and try to pass them off as reality.  Usually they make me laugh, not only because of the first-grade grammar and spelling, but mainly because they actually expect people to believe them.  Usually what they post reads something like this:

my wife enslaved me locked my cock up permanintly in chastty tube and welded the lock shut i havent cum in 5 years and now i do all the houswork and i signed a contract to give her all my money and possessissions and she gives me chores and she goes out oon dates with her lovers and she comes home and i eat their slimy cum out of her pussy and she brings home her friends who are all cheerleeders and they dress me up in lingeries and sisy maid uinform and they all laugh at me and there boyfriends are their too and they laugh at me and i serve them drinks and they make me suk there big cocks and eat all the cum and cum on myu face and they videotappe it and put it online and then old ladies watch it online and laugh at me while I sukc theyre boyfriends cocks wearing maid otufit and there bofriends laugh because my cock is small and i cant cum because my wife locked my cock up permanently and i havent cum in 11 years and i sleep in a little cage in the basement evry night and she goes out with big black studs with big cocks and she make me her toilet i have to drink all her pis she saves it all in a bucket and she saves all her friends piss too and make me drink it all every day and i have too eat her shit she make me swalow it all its my place as a inferior male and she takes me to the secret femdom society where all woman are domes and all men are slavs and worhsip the superioior woman there and she doesnt let me cum i havnt cum in 14 years

What I don’t understand is why they feel compelled to try to convince others that this is reality.  Why not just call it fiction and leave it at that?

Another puzzler is the fact that these same people are usually the same ones who give extreme advice to real people who have real problems.  Usually they say something about the advice-seeker not being submissive enough, that they should do all the housework and never disagree, and that they should be in a state of permanent chastity.  Yeah, brilliant thinking there, suppository-breath.  I’m sure that advice will really help.

Do they actually expect people to believe this?  What would compel someone to post such obvious fiction while trying to frame it up as reality?  If you want to write femdom fiction, go for it.  But don’t try to insult our intelligence by telling us it’s all real.  And how about using spell-check?  Maybe take an introductory grammar course too.  But of course, you’ll have to wait until you’re done having your flesh whipped to shreds by the Secret Femdom Society™.