Stringing People Along

One of the more common things you’ll see is people looking for NSA (no strings attached) play. And it’s out there if you know where to look. Casual play is done in the local scene all the time. While it’s not as fulfilling as play in a relationship, it’s still fun.

Online, lots of women try to smash that desire by saying that NSA play is unrealistic. They use this as a means of prying something out of the sub, usually money or housework. It’s that whole “pay to play” mentality.

Their hypocrisy is evident when you read a little further. Usually these women are themselves looking for NSA housework. So NSA play is unrealistic, yet getting someone to do your housework NSA isn’t? How much crack do you have to smoke before that makes sense?

Another Femdom Myth for the Pile

One of the often-quoted myths online is that there are supposedly a hundred, a thousand, even 10,000 submissive men for every dominant woman. If that were true, there would be, at the very least, a few hundred submissive men in my local scene. And we’d all be standing around staring at each other.

I think the roots of this myth are twofold.

First, people tend to include all the online wankers who e-mail random pics of their cocks to anyone vaguely female. These are the guys who post things like, “im no limits slav 4 dominate women i serv u cuckold me plz”. If they ever met an actual domme in real life, they’d probably faint or immediately soil their pants. If you include these guys in the numbers, then yes, it’s accurate. But I don’t consider them to be in the same category as the people who actually do this in real life, so I don’t include them.

Also, I think that there are a lot of women online who tend to perpetuate this fallacy because it gives them power. They can tell men that since there are sooooo many other subs out there, finding a replacement is easy. So, of course, the sub must give her money, do her housework, and spread the word about what a wonderful domme she is. Otherwise, he’ll be out the door. It’s manipulative, but it happens. These types prey on those with low confidence or those who are new to bdsm and don’t know any better.

When you look at the real-world bdsm community, the numbers are much more even. Sure, some cities have an abundance of guys who pounce on women and immediately ask if they can lick their boots. Again, I don’t count them since they’re more along the lines of “predatory fetishist” than “sub who’s active in bdsm”. And locally, these types tend to hang out in the fetish/club/goth scene rather than the bdsm scene. Occasionally one might show up at the dungeon, but they don’t come back often since they don’t get what they’re looking for there. There’s a basic amount of social skill needed to thrive in the bdsm scene, and those who don’t have that (whether they’re in-person or online) are often counted in this 1000-to-1 ratio. Eliminate them from the numbers, and you get a more balanced, realistic view.

Confidence- Now in a Convenient Travel Size!

So many subs consistently put themselves down, and they wonder why they have so much trouble finding somebody. Usually, they blame it on the mythological ratio of dominant women to submissive men. Introspection isn’t always easy, and it takes less effort to blame it on some external factor that you have no control over.

It’s time to look at yourself and your approach.

“Worthless” is a pretty common descriptor they use. Seriously, if you’re worthless, and you’re giving yourself to someone else, what kind of gift is that? “Here, have a worthless piece of crap.” Gee, thanks.

Others try to degrade or humiliate themselves in the hopes of impressing someone. Come on, guys, leave that to her. If you humiliate yourself, that leaves none for her. You’ve already done it, so she can’t. On top of that, this approach assumes that a scene has already started, and that’s making a pretty big assumption. Some find that insulting. You may be all horned up, but you can’t just jump right to the scene without making some sort of connection with that person first.

How about growing a spine? What fun is it to dominate a limp noodle?

Come closer and I’ll tell you a secret. Ready? Most women enjoy it more when they dominate men who are strong, confident (but not arrogant) and have a sense of self-worth. Not only that, but the pure attraction and chemistry usually flow in both directions a lot better when you’re sure of yourself.

Get up off your knees and have a normal conversation. If there’s chemistry, she’ll put you back on your knees soon enough.

Laughing at Female Supremacists

It always makes me laugh when people feel the need to turn bdsm into some inane sociopolitical movement. It happens both in the femdom and maledom crowds; each thinks they have “evidence” for why this is supposedly the natural order of things. They come up with all sorts of weakly contrived reasons as to why their particular group of choice is superior to others. Hitler used the same approach.

The female supremacists seem to be on a Quixotic quest to spread their vision to the world. They fail to realize that these are their personal interests, not a grand social reform agenda. While it’s natural to want to tell others about the things we love, it’s childish to think that everyone else should feel the same way.

“If women ruled the world…” is their battle cry. They pitch all sorts of utopian scenarios, all the while typing with one hand. If you want to know what kind of job women would do in positions of power, look around. They’re screwing things up just as much as the male politicians. Stupidity and greed know no gender.

What makes me laugh even harder is the fact that the majority of female supremacists have very little, if any, actual experience with real-time bdsm. Obviously there are exceptions, but I’ve found this to be mostly true. The majority of people in the scene (in person, not online) don’t hold anything even vaguely resembling these beliefs. I think that if most female supremacists had a chance to experience what they’re pushing for, they wouldn’t last a day. In fact, upon meeting a real-life dominant woman, most would wet themselves and run.

If you want to believe that boys have cooties, go right ahead. Having your own beliefs isn’t completely illegal yet. Just know that sexism is no different than racism.

Well That Didn’t Take Long

Any kind of bdsm social site or message board can’t seem to exist very long without being overrun with morons.

A while back, some friends in the local scene turned me on to Fetlife. (If you know what I go by online, I have the same name on that site.) It’s a relatively new site, though it’s been around long enough to become really established. Overall, I like it there. It’s very customizable, and there are a few different local groups on there where we can post event announcements and poke each other. There are tons of other groups of every category. But in looking around in a lot of the other groups, the online fantasy mentality infests most of the conversations. Other groups are plagued by drama. Even groups that at first glance seem to be filled with levelheaded people who actually do bdsm in real life are quickly pounced on by wannabe doms and webcam subs. All the classic myths are presented as not only reality, but as the ultimate truth. There’s the “the sub’s desires don’t matter” line, the “orgasm denial makes you a better person” approach, the “all bdsmers are non-Christians and democrats” lie, and of course, “subs should do whatever they’re asked without question or independent thought”.

I do really like the site. But I recently pared down my groups because of all the stereotypical internet wankery. I have no interest in living by someone else’s absurd rules and arbitrary protocol, nor do I believe my sexuality and identity can be molded to some arrogant assbagel’s one-sided fantasy. I partake in bdsm in the real world. That’s where my interest lies. Not in having the same circular arguments with Her Royal Highness Princess WhinyBitch and her pathetic army of puppets.

Fetlife is great as a community bulletin board. And it’s fun. It’s very much a useful site as long as you watch your step for all the verbal excrement being spewed by some people.

Yet Another Femdom Myth

I frequently see people online saying things like, “If you want to play, you have to offer the dom something of value, whether it’s services, money, or a gift.” How about stepping away from the crack pipe a minute and looking for the logic in that statement?

First off, it assumes that play isn’t anything of value. This feeds into the wildly popular internet myth of submissive men outnumbering dominant women by 100-to-1. (Online, that may be true. In the real world, it’s not.) The fact is that submissive men are worth something. So is our effort, our time, and our pain. There are people out there who appreciate these things.

That way of thinking also assumes that she won’t be enjoying it. If that’s the case, then yes, you’ll need to offer something in exchange for her doing something she doesn’t want to do. But I’m going to let you in on a little secret. There are people out there called “sadists”. They actually enjoy bdsm. They don’t need to be paid off in any way. They like to inflict pain or erotic humiliation. It’s pleasurable for them to do so. This means there’s no need for anything to change hands. It’s a mutually beneficial experience. Both people get something out of it. There’s no need for payment in a situation like that.

When you pay a domme in any way for playing, she becomes a pro-domme. Is that the type of relationship you want? If so, go for it. Or would you prefer playing with someone who is more of a regular friend or lover?

There’s no need for bribery. Women who enjoy playing are out there.

All Your Femdom Are Belong to Us

For a while, I’ve been considering joining one of the big bdsm sites out there like alt or collarme. One thing is holding me back: unrealistic assbuckets who don’t know what bdsm is like in real life.

In the local scene, all my friends take a very realistic approach to bdsm. We experience it. We know what it’s like, and we work it into our lives.

Online, it’s different. People are obsessed with d/s. Some “dominant” women online expect a sub to jump through all sorts of pointless hoops just for the supposed privilege of talking with them. Huge egos are common.

They often expect that the sub will have a housework fetish; if not, then he’s not “really” submissive. So many of these supposedly dominant women try to use d/s as an excuse to justify their own personal laziness and greed. They don’t realize that there’s a difference between “dominant woman” and “lazy, conceited, selfish twat”. Lots of them have an unrealistic gorean expectation that the sub will be “on” most (if not all) of the time, and that all they have to do is sit back and make their desires known. Don’t contribute. Don’t dominate. Don’t make an effort. After all, he’s submissive, making effort is his responsibility.

Rather than adding bdsm to a loving relationship, they sometimes try to eliminate the loving foundation and base it on “I’m dominant, you’re submissive. So we do things my way.” That just doesn’t work for a long-term relationship.

It’s not just the doms though. There’s the whole “subbier-than-thou” attitude exhibited by many. The constant one-upmanship is an ineffectual attempt at impressing the doms. These guys are constantly trying to gain ground at the expense of others. Contrast that with the local scene, where subs (well, everyone, really) try to help and support each other. The subs see it as a cutthroat competition. And the doms often foster that attitude since it benefits them.

I’m a pessimistic bastard. I realize this. And I’m sure there are a lot of quality people out there who know what bdsm is like in an actual in-the-flesh relationship. But the number of overly idealistic role-players out there make me wonder if it’s worth it to join a site like that.

Taking the Sexy out of Femdom

I keep running across phrases like “application to serve” and “contract negotiations”.  While I understand what people mean when they say them, these words carry a distant, unemotional feel.  These people seem to forget one basic truth though: it’s a relationship, not a business transaction.

Femdom is sexy.  Femdom is fun.  It’s not about some emotionless interaction.  It’s not about mundane “tasks”.  It’s not about some unrealistic gorean expectation that the sub will magically derive pleasure from doing housework.

The sub stoically struggling against the pain he’s feeling, enduring more for the dom’s pleasure,  the dom laughing and enjoying the torment, sweat and blood dripping down, muscles tensing and straining against the bonds, the confident air about the dom, the smile on her face as the cane tears into the sub’s flesh, the look of fear and anticipation in the sub’s eyes………yeah.  That’s sexy.  That’s femdom.

There’s no need for S/strange C/capitalization or bland, repetitive protocol.  No need to forsake love just because d/s entered the equation.  No need for “service”; after all, in a relationship, both people serve each other, regardless of d/s.

Sure, it may feel like an interview when you first go out with someone, or when you’re trying to set up a scene.  But why turn it into a cold, soulless business meeting?  We’re not talking about expense ratios and profit margins.  We’re talking about real, tangible, intimate bonds.  Why not treat it as such rather than taking all the sexy out of it?  With some people, it’s like going to H&R Block……fill out this form, list your experiences here, provide references, fill out form 162b in triplicate, pay a processing fee, blah blah blah…

Lots of people are passionate about femdom.  That’s not a bad thing.  But all the talk of applications, service, and contracts tends to stifle that enthusiasm in many.