Sheeple

I’m all for learning lessons from the past. If I (or others) can benefit from someone else’s experience and mistakes, that’s definitely a good thing. But I fail to see the sense in clinging to tradition. Why should I structure my relationships a certain way or restrict myself in some way just because others have done it in the past? How exactly does this benefit anyone? I see no sense in playing follow-the-leader, especially when the “leaders” aren’t living their relationships in a way that I’d like to.

That’s not to say that there’s nothing of value to be learned from others’ experiences. There is. Still, learning from what they’ve done is a lot different than trying to mimic their attitudes, beliefs, ways, and values. You can learn from the past without getting rid of your individuality. But when you try to replicate others’ experiences and adopt their beliefs rather than doing things your own way, you do so at the expense of your own identity.

I (and many others) broke away from the “normal” or vanilla way of doing things in order to be involved with bdsm. I decided that I have no reason to be restricted by their arbitrary rules. So why should I adopt another set of rules that I don’t agree with? Isn’t that just trading one inconvenience for another? I’d much rather be true to who I am without having to worry about whether I’m acting and thinking in a way that will be approved of by the bdsm tribunal.

The founders of the bdsm community should be lauded for what they’ve done in building an in-the-flesh community of individuals with similar interests. Commended, but not revered as deities. Yes, they accomplished something great. But we don’t need to parrot their actions and attitudes. We can keep the foundations of the community they started without sacrificing ourselves in the process.

The demographics of the community were different then. At first, it was all gay veteran bikers. Now, the scene is made up of various sexualities and genders with a wide range of interests and styles. Lots of hetero and bi people saw the gay leather community and wanted one for themselves, so they started with that framework that the leathermen had built and tweaked it to fit them. The two communities are still very different, so it’s absurd to think that we should all adhere to the old guard way of doing things.

Well That’s a First

Last night, I ran down the hallway of a hotel.

Naked.

With four women who were also naked and screaming, “I’M NAKED!!!”

We hit three long hallways. People poked their heads out of their rooms, some cheered us on, others hollered for us to come back around and do it again.

I should mention this was at a bdsm event, so no ‘nillabeans were harmed in the making of this naked stampede.

More Heresy

I’m all for learning lessons from the past. If I (or others) can benefit from someone else’s experience and mistakes, that’s definitely a good thing. But I fail to see the sense in clinging to tradition. Why should I structure my relationships a certain way or restrict myself in some way just because others have done it in the past? How exactly does this benefit anyone? I see no sense in playing follow-the-leader, especially when the “leaders” aren’t living their relationships in a way that I’d like to.

That’s not to say that there’s nothing of value to be learned from others’ experiences. There is. Still, learning from what they’ve done is a lot different than trying to mimic their attitudes, beliefs, ways, and values. You can learn from the past without getting rid of your individuality. But when you try to replicate others’ experiences and adopt their beliefs rather than doing things your own way, you do so at the expense of your own identity.

I (and many others) broke away from the “normal” or vanilla way of doing things in order to be involved with bdsm. I decided that I have no reason to be restricted by their arbitrary rules. So why should I adopt another set of rules that I don’t agree with? Isn’t that just trading one inconvenience for another? I’d much rather be true to who I am without having to worry about whether I’m acting and thinking in a way that will be approved of by the bdsm tribunal.

Assumptions

I find it odd that in a community of nonconformists, there are so many assumptions commonly held.

For example, if you’re involved in the public scene, you’re generally assumed to be a democrat, non-Christian, and if you’re female, bisexual.

On top of that, people make assumptions about individual style of d/s. You’re submissive, so you must think this way, act this way, and carry yourself this way. After breaking away from the standard way of doing things and embracing this side of ourselves, why do people feel the need to constrain us with further unnecessary rules and restrictions?

Wheeee Growth!

I feel old. And I’m not even 30 yet.

At a munch last month, I was talking with someone, and we realized that we are the old-timers in our group. Not necessarily by age, but by the amount of time we’ve been involved in the community. We’ve been a part of these groups and events longer than 90-95% of the people there.

A large part of that is due to the huge influx of people we’ve had this past year. One of the munches is now being run by someone else, and it’s breathed new life into the scene. She’s using sites like fetlife to promote the group and holding well-attended events at the dungeon once a month. Along with her, I co-host a casual newcomers’ meeting for people new to the public scene, new to bdsm, or new to the city. Because of all these things, our community has grown rapidly. One of the munch groups ran out of room and had to move somewhere more spacious. And I think it’s awesome that there are so many people getting involved now; we’re consistently getting at least a couple new people each month.

A year ago, a certain munch averaged about 20 people. Now it averages 50.

With this flood of new faces comes a fresh spirit. Most of them haven’t been brainwashed by all the whiny, unrealistic propaganda you see so often online. They generally seem to understand that bdsm is a very individual experience and that there is no universal way to do things.

Another positive aspect to this growth is that we’re finally starting to gain a slight modicum of balance in the scene. As long as I’ve been in the local scene, the community has been lopsided in regard to maledom vs. femdom people. That’s slowly changing.

We’re not real sure how far this growth will go or what kinds of problems will accompany it. Will we need to split some of the munches into smaller groups? Keep looking for larger venues? With so many more people coming in, will lots of drama and politics creep in as well? Will an army of penguins invade and make us all learn to yodel? I guess we’ll find out soon enough.

Mrs. Reagan Told Me To Just Say No

When someone asks you to play and you’re not interested, how do you say no without feeling like an ass? I’ve posed this question in other places too, and it’s a tough one.

I try to be as gentle and diplomatic as possible, and I still feel like a major prick when I turn someone down. I realize that as long as I’m not rude, the onus is on the other person to not take it personally. But it still bothers me to tell someone no.

If I’ve got other scenes lined up and won’t have time, that’s easy enough to deal with; just be honest, and maybe set something up for another night. But honesty isn’t always the best way to go if that person has major hygiene problems or simply can’t be trusted.

Some may see it as shallow, but I need to be attracted to whoever I’m playing with. I liken it to sex: Would you have sex with someone you’re not attracted to? So if I’m just not feeling it with someone who wants to play, what’s the best way to handle that without hurting her?

I’ve been approached by men wanting to play, and I just tell them that I don’t play with men. It’s a short way of saying that I’m not attracted to men. Pretty simple. And that’s a pretty common response, so they’re used to it. They don’t get offended by my heterosexuality. Can’t blame them for going after something they want; we all do it.

In saying no to anyone, I like dealing with more experienced people. Usually, their approach is clear but open-ended. Something along the lines of, “I’d like to play with you sometime. If you’re interested, you know where to find me.” That’s a much better way to approach someone, and it’s one that I often use if I ask someone to play. That way, the person being asked doesn’t have to say no if they’re not interested. But not everyone uses this approach, and sometimes people can even be pushy. Those are the ones I have trouble dealing with.

One approach I take is an honest approach which sort of puts the blame on me. I’ll say something like, “I need to feel a certain chemistry when I play with someone, and I’m just not feeling that.” Still, I feel mean saying this.

Don’t get me wrong, this is a good problem to have. It’s much better than being involved in a bdsm community which is overrun with pushy, obsequious subs. I’ve heard of this happening in other cities. An event will be loaded with submissive men, and anyone vaguely female who walks in the door is pounced on. That tends to chase women away, which only further skews the ratio.

What are some effective ways of saying no without hurting the one asking?

Well That Didn’t Take Long

Any kind of bdsm social site or message board can’t seem to exist very long without being overrun with morons.

A while back, some friends in the local scene turned me on to Fetlife. (If you know what I go by online, I have the same name on that site.) It’s a relatively new site, though it’s been around long enough to become really established. Overall, I like it there. It’s very customizable, and there are a few different local groups on there where we can post event announcements and poke each other. There are tons of other groups of every category. But in looking around in a lot of the other groups, the online fantasy mentality infests most of the conversations. Other groups are plagued by drama. Even groups that at first glance seem to be filled with levelheaded people who actually do bdsm in real life are quickly pounced on by wannabe doms and webcam subs. All the classic myths are presented as not only reality, but as the ultimate truth. There’s the “the sub’s desires don’t matter” line, the “orgasm denial makes you a better person” approach, the “all bdsmers are non-Christians and democrats” lie, and of course, “subs should do whatever they’re asked without question or independent thought”.

I do really like the site. But I recently pared down my groups because of all the stereotypical internet wankery. I have no interest in living by someone else’s absurd rules and arbitrary protocol, nor do I believe my sexuality and identity can be molded to some arrogant assbagel’s one-sided fantasy. I partake in bdsm in the real world. That’s where my interest lies. Not in having the same circular arguments with Her Royal Highness Princess WhinyBitch and her pathetic army of puppets.

Fetlife is great as a community bulletin board. And it’s fun. It’s very much a useful site as long as you watch your step for all the verbal excrement being spewed by some people.

Yet Another Femdom Myth

I frequently see people online saying things like, “If you want to play, you have to offer the dom something of value, whether it’s services, money, or a gift.” How about stepping away from the crack pipe a minute and looking for the logic in that statement?

First off, it assumes that play isn’t anything of value. This feeds into the wildly popular internet myth of submissive men outnumbering dominant women by 100-to-1. (Online, that may be true. In the real world, it’s not.) The fact is that submissive men are worth something. So is our effort, our time, and our pain. There are people out there who appreciate these things.

That way of thinking also assumes that she won’t be enjoying it. If that’s the case, then yes, you’ll need to offer something in exchange for her doing something she doesn’t want to do. But I’m going to let you in on a little secret. There are people out there called “sadists”. They actually enjoy bdsm. They don’t need to be paid off in any way. They like to inflict pain or erotic humiliation. It’s pleasurable for them to do so. This means there’s no need for anything to change hands. It’s a mutually beneficial experience. Both people get something out of it. There’s no need for payment in a situation like that.

When you pay a domme in any way for playing, she becomes a pro-domme. Is that the type of relationship you want? If so, go for it. Or would you prefer playing with someone who is more of a regular friend or lover?

There’s no need for bribery. Women who enjoy playing are out there.