Sheeple

I’m all for learning lessons from the past. If I (or others) can benefit from someone else’s experience and mistakes, that’s definitely a good thing. But I fail to see the sense in clinging to tradition. Why should I structure my relationships a certain way or restrict myself in some way just because others have done it in the past? How exactly does this benefit anyone? I see no sense in playing follow-the-leader, especially when the “leaders” aren’t living their relationships in a way that I’d like to.

That’s not to say that there’s nothing of value to be learned from others’ experiences. There is. Still, learning from what they’ve done is a lot different than trying to mimic their attitudes, beliefs, ways, and values. You can learn from the past without getting rid of your individuality. But when you try to replicate others’ experiences and adopt their beliefs rather than doing things your own way, you do so at the expense of your own identity.

I (and many others) broke away from the “normal” or vanilla way of doing things in order to be involved with bdsm. I decided that I have no reason to be restricted by their arbitrary rules. So why should I adopt another set of rules that I don’t agree with? Isn’t that just trading one inconvenience for another? I’d much rather be true to who I am without having to worry about whether I’m acting and thinking in a way that will be approved of by the bdsm tribunal.

The founders of the bdsm community should be lauded for what they’ve done in building an in-the-flesh community of individuals with similar interests. Commended, but not revered as deities. Yes, they accomplished something great. But we don’t need to parrot their actions and attitudes. We can keep the foundations of the community they started without sacrificing ourselves in the process.

The demographics of the community were different then. At first, it was all gay veteran bikers. Now, the scene is made up of various sexualities and genders with a wide range of interests and styles. Lots of hetero and bi people saw the gay leather community and wanted one for themselves, so they started with that framework that the leathermen had built and tweaked it to fit them. The two communities are still very different, so it’s absurd to think that we should all adhere to the old guard way of doing things.

More Heresy

I’m all for learning lessons from the past. If I (or others) can benefit from someone else’s experience and mistakes, that’s definitely a good thing. But I fail to see the sense in clinging to tradition. Why should I structure my relationships a certain way or restrict myself in some way just because others have done it in the past? How exactly does this benefit anyone? I see no sense in playing follow-the-leader, especially when the “leaders” aren’t living their relationships in a way that I’d like to.

That’s not to say that there’s nothing of value to be learned from others’ experiences. There is. Still, learning from what they’ve done is a lot different than trying to mimic their attitudes, beliefs, ways, and values. You can learn from the past without getting rid of your individuality. But when you try to replicate others’ experiences and adopt their beliefs rather than doing things your own way, you do so at the expense of your own identity.

I (and many others) broke away from the “normal” or vanilla way of doing things in order to be involved with bdsm. I decided that I have no reason to be restricted by their arbitrary rules. So why should I adopt another set of rules that I don’t agree with? Isn’t that just trading one inconvenience for another? I’d much rather be true to who I am without having to worry about whether I’m acting and thinking in a way that will be approved of by the bdsm tribunal.

Bland BDSM

C’mon, people, why so serious and dull?

What happened to bdsm being fun, sexy, and cathartic? Instead, so many turn it into something bland. A struggle. Mundane.

They talk of tasks, housework, protocol, and structure, and then they wonder why their sex drives are nil. Restricting yourself with these things is no different than restricting yourself to missionary-only sex. Remember the spark you had when you first started exploring bdsm? And all the things that turned you on? What happened? They’ve been replaced by some staid script, a rule book.

If you remove the sexiness from your relationship, is it really any wonder that things tend to get dull? Even though you still talk about living “the lifestyle”? You’ve got a big toy bag full of toys, yet you only use them to enforce the scripted nature of the relationship rather than using them for bonding, fun, or love. Do you need a reason to play? Really? Does it always have to drive some point home, to be a punishment or reward? What happened to doing something because you enjoy it? If you’re both into it, do it. You don’t need an excuse. You don’t have to wait for a reason.

Bring back the things that brought you into bdsm, and the flame will return. Life is better when you eliminate the extraneous.

All Your Femdom Are Belong to Us

For a while, I’ve been considering joining one of the big bdsm sites out there like alt or collarme. One thing is holding me back: unrealistic assbuckets who don’t know what bdsm is like in real life.

In the local scene, all my friends take a very realistic approach to bdsm. We experience it. We know what it’s like, and we work it into our lives.

Online, it’s different. People are obsessed with d/s. Some “dominant” women online expect a sub to jump through all sorts of pointless hoops just for the supposed privilege of talking with them. Huge egos are common.

They often expect that the sub will have a housework fetish; if not, then he’s not “really” submissive. So many of these supposedly dominant women try to use d/s as an excuse to justify their own personal laziness and greed. They don’t realize that there’s a difference between “dominant woman” and “lazy, conceited, selfish twat”. Lots of them have an unrealistic gorean expectation that the sub will be “on” most (if not all) of the time, and that all they have to do is sit back and make their desires known. Don’t contribute. Don’t dominate. Don’t make an effort. After all, he’s submissive, making effort is his responsibility.

Rather than adding bdsm to a loving relationship, they sometimes try to eliminate the loving foundation and base it on “I’m dominant, you’re submissive. So we do things my way.” That just doesn’t work for a long-term relationship.

It’s not just the doms though. There’s the whole “subbier-than-thou” attitude exhibited by many. The constant one-upmanship is an ineffectual attempt at impressing the doms. These guys are constantly trying to gain ground at the expense of others. Contrast that with the local scene, where subs (well, everyone, really) try to help and support each other. The subs see it as a cutthroat competition. And the doms often foster that attitude since it benefits them.

I’m a pessimistic bastard. I realize this. And I’m sure there are a lot of quality people out there who know what bdsm is like in an actual in-the-flesh relationship. But the number of overly idealistic role-players out there make me wonder if it’s worth it to join a site like that.

Taking the Sexy out of Femdom

I keep running across phrases like “application to serve” and “contract negotiations”.  While I understand what people mean when they say them, these words carry a distant, unemotional feel.  These people seem to forget one basic truth though: it’s a relationship, not a business transaction.

Femdom is sexy.  Femdom is fun.  It’s not about some emotionless interaction.  It’s not about mundane “tasks”.  It’s not about some unrealistic gorean expectation that the sub will magically derive pleasure from doing housework.

The sub stoically struggling against the pain he’s feeling, enduring more for the dom’s pleasure,  the dom laughing and enjoying the torment, sweat and blood dripping down, muscles tensing and straining against the bonds, the confident air about the dom, the smile on her face as the cane tears into the sub’s flesh, the look of fear and anticipation in the sub’s eyes………yeah.  That’s sexy.  That’s femdom.

There’s no need for S/strange C/capitalization or bland, repetitive protocol.  No need to forsake love just because d/s entered the equation.  No need for “service”; after all, in a relationship, both people serve each other, regardless of d/s.

Sure, it may feel like an interview when you first go out with someone, or when you’re trying to set up a scene.  But why turn it into a cold, soulless business meeting?  We’re not talking about expense ratios and profit margins.  We’re talking about real, tangible, intimate bonds.  Why not treat it as such rather than taking all the sexy out of it?  With some people, it’s like going to H&R Block……fill out this form, list your experiences here, provide references, fill out form 162b in triplicate, pay a processing fee, blah blah blah…

Lots of people are passionate about femdom.  That’s not a bad thing.  But all the talk of applications, service, and contracts tends to stifle that enthusiasm in many.

Scripted Behavior

Some people incorporate punishment, training, and protocol into their d/s relationships.  Others simply dominate on the fly, letting the d/s come more naturally.  The latter is more my style.  It’s more free-flowing, more of an instinctive, personal feel.  I find the former occasionally insulting, unnecessary, and a major burden.  A relationship should not be a burden; it should be a release from life’s burdens.  A sanctuary.  If you weigh it down with all sorts of artificial rules and restrictions, you then become preoccupied with following those rules.  It becomes work.  So you come home from work and………you work some more.  When do you relax?  When do you enjoy each other?  When do you focus on the more vanilla aspects of your relationship if you’re preoccupied with following the next step in the script?

I see training as insulting when it takes on the air of “I want you to change.”  That implies “You’re not good enough and I don’t love you for who you are; I want you to be someone else.”  If it’s something small, like nail-biting, that’s understandable, since it’s not an integral part of who that person is or how he/she behaves.  But when it comes to larger behaviors, our behavior is an important part of how we identify, a part of who we are.  When someone tries to alter that, it can amount to a rejection of a large part of that person.  Whether it’s a ‘nilla relationship or a d/s relationship, if whoever I’m with has a problem with me, I expect her to be able to talk about it with me so we can solve any problem as adults.  I don’t tolerate the manipulative training that vanilla women often try.  And in d/s, I find it insulting to be treated like an animal who can’t understand things on a more cerebral level.  If there’s something I want to change, I’ll make an effort and change it.  No one has to guide me through it as if I’m some clueless idiot.  I can control my own actions without being micromanaged.  If a sub wasn’t motivated enough to effect change on his or her own, is that really someone you’d want to be with?

Plus, training implies that the dominant partner always knows better, which is a mentality I despise.  Dommes are wrong just as often as subs and ‘nillafolk.  Omniscience is not something that comes with the Official Domme Card™.

Protocol strikes me as mostly meaningless and needlessly repetitive.  If I say “fuck” in every fucking sentence, after every fucking word, do you see how fucking quickly this fucking word loses its fucking meaning?  Same goes for protocol.  Having to use a certain title all the time or do a certain thing on cue doesn’t have the same effect or the same meaning as when I do it on my own, and it also doesn’t have the same effect as when it’s forced.  It’s a bleak middle ground between the two extremes.  It’s just empty repetition to me.

Lots of things seem much more meaningful when they’re not required.  For example, if I send flowers on a completely random day, that’s exponentially more meaningful than if I send flowers on Valentine’s day.  When something comes from the heart rather than from a learned sense of expectation, it carries so much more meaning.  That action is then being done out of love rather than out of fear of punishment.

Likewise, when I want to do something and I fail, the disappointment I feel is punishment enough.  There’s no need to add to it.  I already feel lousy over failing, and I want to avoid feeling this way again, which leads to more effort next time.

It’s not just d/s.  Even during my hard-drinking days, I never understood drinking games.  It just seemed like a totalitarian approach to drinking, and it sapped the fun out of what was normally enjoyable.  It was always much more gratifying doing it on our own terms.  I’m not a big fan of structure or prescribed behavior.

If you want to do a certain type of play, then do it.  There’s no need to frame it up as a punishment in order to “justify” doing it.  If you’re into it, do it.  You don’t need other peoples’ permission.  You don’t have to have a reason to cane someone, make him drink your piss, or lock his cock up.  Do what you enjoy.  Don’t worry about finding some arbitrary reason behind it.  Enjoyment is reason enough.