Just Freakin’ Brilliant

One of the more common things I hear in regard to teasing & denial comes mostly from the guys; they say that they’re more attentive when they’re locked up.

I call bullshit.

How about taking some responsibility for your actions, wheezy? You control your actions. How much attention you give is entirely in your own hands. It has nothing to do with whether or not your cock is in a cage. The lack of a chastity device does not prevent you in any way from treating your partner well. If you choose to be less attentive when you’re not locked up, that’s your own choice, and you should be held accountable for it.

This is simply manipulative behavior. People use this as an excuse to engage in the type of play (t&d) that they enjoy. “Oh, I’m not being attentive……you’d better lock me up.” This is no different than a parent buying a toy for a kid who’s screaming and throwing a tantrum; rewarding negative behavior only reinforces that behavior.

If you love the other person, treat him/her well. Period. It has nothing to do with gender, d/s orientation, or whether or not your cock is locked up.

Femdom Myth #492

The bdsm crowd online is different in a lot of ways from the in-person/real-time bdsm crowd.  Even in regard to philosophy, there are tons of differences between the two.

One example is the myth that chastity makes a man more submissive.  This is no different than saying that drinking makes you more outgoing.  You may feel more outgoing while you’re drinking, but the next morning, you’re back to normal.  It doesn’t change you.  The percieved effect only lasts as long as the drug.  Same with t&d.  It doesn’t actually change the person; it only changes the way they feel temporarily.

I think part of this faulty reasoning comes from the fact that lots of people feel they have to somehow justify their kinks or interests.  These people feel they have to come up with some sort of reason or validation for the things they’re into.  Instead, why not do the things you’re into without having to think up a list of fake reasons?  Isn’t enjoyment enough?  Why not just admit you’re into it (or curious about it) and have fun?

I’ve seen guys write things like, “I want to get into chastity because I don’t treat my wife as well as I should” or some variant of that.  How about taking some personal responsibility for your actions there, sparky?  If you want to treat her better, do it. It’s that simple.  If you want to be more submissive, more attentive to her needs, or more willing to try new things, do it.  You don’t need to be locked up in order to be a loving partner.  If you’re submissive, submit.  If you’re a lover, love.  If you need chastity to be a decent human being, you don’t deserve a relationship.

Others get into t&d because they claim their constant masturbation is hurting their relationships.  I don’t understand how someone with that much of a lack of self control even has a relationship (or a job) to begin with.  If you can’t control your own actions, you’ve got problems that a chastity device isn’t going to fix.  Same goes for the “I don’t treat my wife right” guys.

And of course, there are those who talk about how, after an orgasm, they become lazy, selfish, and rude.  What strikes me is that they realize that there’s a problem, yet they refuse to do anything about it.  They don’t make an effort to treat their ladies right.  Instead, they try to pawn off the responsibility for their actions on someone else by saying, “lock it up.”

As a side note, yes, that “crash” after orgasm is a hormonal thing.  But hormones don’t give anyone the right to treat others poorly, especially those they claim to love.  Whether it’s PMS or a post-orgasm drop, the feelings are very real, but there still exists a responsibility to treat others right.  Your actions are yours; you can’t pass them off on someone else.  You can’t drive drunk, hit a pedestrian, then say, “It’s not my fault- I was drunk.”

Chastity is not going to fix a bad relationship.  It’s not a magical solution to your own personal shortcomings.  When you buy a chastity device, there’s no leprechaun who jumps out of it and fixes your flaws.  Unless you buy the deluxe model.  Just be sure to remove the leprechaun from the device before you put it on.  We can’t be having any squished leprechauns.  The leprechaun union would have a fit.  And all those leprechaun entrails would make the cock cage smell bad.

Short-Term Spunk Stoppage

I overheard someone saying, “If I want to punish my sub, I don’t let him cum at the end of the scene.”  It made me chuckle to myself.  I’ve got no problem with them doing things that way, but it made me laugh because most of the time when I play, I don’t orgasm at all.  That’s normal for me.  Plus, whenever my cock has been locked up, it’s usually been for weeks at a time.  So the threat of going an entire scene without orgasm doesn’t exactly have me quaking.  It’s like threatening to spank me with a jelly bean.

When I orgasm, it takes me out of subspace a little.  It eats away a chunk of that high I’m feeling.  Non-ejaculatory orgasms don’t have this effect nearly as much as “regular” orgasms, but the effect is still there.  When I have a choice, I’d much rather enjoy my mild floatiness and orgasm later.

And if I’m playing with a friend, we usually aren’t getting directly sexual anyway.  So no orgasm there either.

But her comment also made me think.  That kind of very short-term teasing and denial is common.  For example, look at strip clubs.  Even the most vanilla guys go there for short-term t&d.  They get all worked up for a few hours, and they obviously can’t play with their joysticks right there in the club.  Even if they don’t call it t&d, and even if it’s not framed up in a d/s context, it is still very much t&d.  (Of course, that makes me wonder how most women working there would react if they knew a guy was locked up, incredibly horny, and unable to do anything about it.  Some might be creeped out, but others might get into it.)

I realize that everyone has different time scales for t&d.  For some, a few hours is enough, while for others, going over a year isn’t uncommon.  I prefer variety somewhere between those two extremes.  Everyone has their own way of doing that, and that keeps things interesting and nicely mixed.  Still, I got a smile out of hearing her say that.  It makes me smile almost as much as jelly bean play.

You sank my battleship! You asshole!

In my last post, I explained why chastity devices get me hot.  But there’s a problem.  Well, a series of problems really.

Some of the devices just aren’t that sturdy.  Others are hard to keep clean.  Still others are horribly expensive, and if they don’t fit properly, you can’t get a refund.

I’ve been thinking about getting something along these lines-

They both seen pretty secure.  The 2(d)ni (the pic on the left) also has a bar to hook a PA to, which is a bonus for me.  It looks like it’d be easy to maintain hygiene with, too.

I also looked at a cage from Steelwerks-

Again, the PA attachment is a plus.  But I’ve got a few problems with this design.  First off, it looks like it pivots (judging by the pics) and would allow access to the underside of the cock.  (I could be wrong, but it’s hard to tell from the pics.)  When I have access to that spot underneath at the base, I can bring myself off.  The S-screw also looks like it could be opened with a pair of awls and a little fidgeting.  Even if it can’t be, if the locking system is totally tamper-proof, what happens if the relationship ends?  You can’t just snip a lock off and move on.  And they charge $100 for the special key, which looks like something any entry-level machinist could bang out in five minutes.  Plus, this device is close to $1000.

There are some issues with all three of these, as well as with most other devices out there.  With some devices, I can get off while wearing it.  Kind of defeats the purpose.  I can orgasm while flaccid, so the design is important in preventing this.  Another problem is sizing.  Most cock cages are offered in different sizes, but how can you be sure you have the right size?  Do you measure while hard or flaccid?  How can you be sure you have an accurate measurement?  How much wiggle room should you leave?  A few companies offer an in-person sizing session as part of the purchase; they measure and get the proper device for that person, like a tailor.  I like that.  It pretty much guarantees a good fit.

Maybe a way around this problem would be to offer a sizing kit for sale.  It would just be some cheap plastic tubes and rings to decide which of the sizes works best for that person.  The price of the kit would be refunded with the purchase of any device.  That way, the company wouldn’t lose money, and customers wouldn’t have to pay extra just to get the right fit.

As much as t&d interests me, these basic problems keep popping up, preventing the experience from being as intense as it could be.  The simple fact is that cocks are different.  Size, shape, proportion, how much they grow, etc.  So there is no one-size-fits-all solution.  But there’s also no way to know for sure if a certain device will work without actually taking an expensive risk and buying the device.  There’s no way to take one for a test drive.  Because of that, I think the companies that make chastity devices lose out on some business.

cock cages – pure sexy on a stick

Among those who do teasing and denial, the method is pretty evenly split.  Some use a chastity device, while others use a no-touching or no-orgasm rule.  The latter just doesn’t appeal to me for a few different reasons.

If I’m doing it on willpower alone, then I’m essentially denying myself.  It feels like there’s no involvement from the one supposedly denying me.  It’s no different than spanking myself.  To me, t&d is about the connection between two people, not about what I can do to myself.  I’d much rather be under someone else’s control than decide to deny myself.

There there’s the issue of intensity.  With a cock cage, I’m forced to go further than I’d be able to go on my own.  I’m made to feel a higher level of arousal than I’d be able to achieve using only a rule.  There’s no choice, no way out; I have to keep going until she decides.  And that’s a sexylicious feeling.

A penis prison also serves as a reminder of the one who has me locked up.  Even when we’re apart, it constantly makes me think of her.  Every time I shower, pee, brush up against something, or get nekkid for any reason, she immediately jumps into my head.  Plus, any time I attempt to stimulate myself at all, it’s like having her hand there to block me.  It’s almost like playing with each other even when we’re not in the same location.

In a way, it also feels like a symbol of ownership.  Like a miniature collar around my goodies.  A way of saying, “This is mine.  You won’t get relief unless I say.”

Plus, a chastity device is like a portable form of bondage.  And bondage is just plain hot.  Struggling against bondage is an incredible experience.  It’s a wonderfully helpless feeling, being brought to an achingly hard state, then clawing desperately at the device in the vain hope of getting even a little relief.  The knowledge that no matter how hard I try, I won’t be able to orgasm unless the domme unlocks me, makes me realize that I’m totally at her mercy.  The power imbalance is delicious.  With a rule, this doesn’t happen; I can orgasm whenever I want to if I’m not locked up.

Another side benefit of using a device is that it’s incredibly sexy to look across the table and see the key dangling from her necklace.  It’s almost like she’s rubbing it in my face, taunting me with the fact that she can orgasm all she wants while denying me the same pleasure.

The key on the necklace also stimulates interesting conversations with others, so there’s potential for leading into some erotic humiliation, or even turning others on to t&d.

hot and cold

Teasing and denial is much more potent and sexy when it’s infused with variety.  Some people I talk with online are locked up constantly, only to get an orgasm occasionally, then go right back into the cock cage.  For me, that approach would lose its appeal pretty quickly.  It would suppress the libido, which in my opinion is the opposite of what t&d is about.

I liken it to being outside on a hot day.  If you’re outside all day, you eventually get used to the heat.  But if you’re going back and forth from the air-conditioned house, to the heat outside, then back in, back out, the heat is much more noticeable.  Same way with t&d.  If the sub knows exactly what he’s missing, it only makes him long for it even more when he doesn’t have it.  If it’s static, unchanging, you get (more or less) used to it.  When you rarely have orgasms, you stop missing them since you hardly remember what they were like.  You get used to chastity.  If you throw some variety in there though, it has a much more powerful effect.  For example, instead of one monthly orgasm, why not go for a month of t&d, then be free for a week or two, locked up for one week, out for one orgasm, locked for two months, out for a few days, locked for a couple weeks, etc.  Mix it up.

To me, not knowing when my release will be adds to the thrill factor.  It could be today, it could be over a month from now.  This keeps the anticipation high.  Knowing that I’m at the mercy of the one holding the key is soooo much hotter than going by a schedule or point system.  And it’s much simpler.

In regard to the one-orgasm-a-month approach, having one orgasm isn’t enough for some, especially if they’re multi-orgasmic.  (Yes, men can have multiples.  I highly recommend this book if you want to learn how.)  While it can be hot to occasionally be locked back up without full relief, doing it regularly only serves to deflate the sex drive.  And isn’t t&d about increasing the sex drive rather than suppressing it, bringing the sub’s desire to a height they’d normally not achieve on their own?  This desperate hornification can be more easily attained if the sub periodically gets the opportunity for full relief, the total freedom to have orgasm after orgasm.  Then, when he gets locked back up, it’s much more of a torment since he’s had a full taste of what he’s being denied.  He knows exactly what he’s missing, and it increases the intensity of the denial.

why so complicated?

I hear lots of people talking about the latest teasing and denial “game” they’ve come up with.  Most of them are so complex that they take the fun out of t&d.  They usually require at least four paragraphs to explain.  “Draw a card and edge the sub that number of times unless it’s clubs or a 7, roll three eight-sided dice on odd-numbered days, and multiply by the number of days since last orgasm….” or some such drivel.  And don’t forget to spin around three times and sacrifice a chicken under the light of a full moon.

These games take the spontaneity out of teasing and denial.  And they require so much effort and concentration that they distract from the erotic nature of the situation.  It’s almost like stopping in the middle of an erotic moment to assemble a piece of furniture.

Not only that, but games like this take control out of the hands of the domme.  Why should she have to follow some complex plan?  Why not just let him orgasm if she feels like it, and if not, then he stays horny?  Pretty simple.  And it allows for so much more improvisation, not to mention allowing both people to fully immerse themselves in the situation.  But if they’re distracted by doing arithmetic, rolling dice, worrying about colored marbles, and playing cards, that (at least partially) takes them out of the situation.  “You know what would be really hot?  If we did some math!”

Some say, “But the domme doesn’t have to follow the rules of the game; she can let him orgasm anytime or deny him anytime, so control is still hers.”  Why even set up all these rules to begin with then?  It makes no sense.  If she’s just going to do things on a whim, why even pretend to abide by rules?

Spontaneity is exciting.  Not knowing when your next orgasm will be is sexy.  It could be today, it could be months from now.  I’d much rather that decision be constantly in the hands of whoever I’m with than in the hands of an inanimate object.