Of Course

Almost immediately after locking me up for what is going to be an extremely long time, G and I both got sick. She got it worse than I did. So we’ve both been out of it for the past week. What a way to start things off. Germs are bastards.

On the plus side, we have had a few moments where we’ve felt better and spent a little time together at bdsm events. We’re both feeling a renewed sense of d/s; I’m not sure where that will take us, but we’re both happy about that.

Happily, the cock cage isn’t getting in the way for some new exercises I’ve been incorporating into my routine. Not new really, but new to me. I always shied away from doing squats and deadlifts; I’m in the medical field, and I’ve dealt with quite a few people who had lumbar injuries from these two exercises. It’s easy to get hurt doing these if you don’t have good form. So I’m starting slow, just using lower weight for now, and trying to build some muscle memory.

Fiction?

On various bdsm sites, one of the more common complaints dominant women have is that of the guys who think bdsm is just like what they read in fictitious stories. These guys have unrealistic one-sided fantasies in their heads, and they expect the dom to fulfill them, regardless of whether she’s into it or not. It’s definitely a valid complaint.

But the other side of that exists, and people don’t often get called out on it. There are plenty of women who think the sub is going to clean their house, do their laundry, change their oil, do the yard work, and myriad other tasks. And he’s going to be magically fulfilled in the process. No need for an emotional connection or any form of physical relationship, no need for anything other than the dom sitting back and saying what she wants. So who’s reading too much fiction now? This is just as one-sided and unrealistic as the color-by-numbers fantasies in the first paragraph. There may be a handful who do that in real life (just like the scripted checklist fantasies above) but they’re exceedingly rare. Because it’s so rare in real life, how can anyone say with any seriousness that this is the way all subs should act?

If you call someone out on this online, you get shouted down because, as everyone knows, all “real” subs get deep fulfillment from doing thankless grunt work and never getting their own desires met. And the internet is dominated by people who don’t actually do this in real life. There are plenty of “cyber-dommes” and their desperate minions, but the majority of them have never had an in-person bdsm relationship. The few who have have had short relationships due to their unrealistic expectations, so they retreat to the internet where they can again be praised and told that they’re always right.

Look at reality. Just looking locally as an example, I know tons of people into bdsm (which includes d/s.) Of them, at least 99% of them do bdsm because they enjoy it. There’s no lopsided distribution of housework involved, no one-sided fantasies. Every couple does what they do because it makes them happy. There’s no one-sided fiction involved. Doms and subs alike realize that being self-centered quickly kills relationships and drives away friends and play partners.

Lots of new subs think, “Am I broken?” when they realize that they don’t gain fulfillment from doing housework and succumbing to the philosophy of the internet dom. Usually the response is, “You’re not broken, you’re just not submissive. You’re a bottom. Go to see a pro-domme.” Wrong. Submission takes many forms. Just because it doesn’t match a particular dom’s particular flavor of d/s, that doesn’t mean it’s not submission. It just means you’re not compatible.

BDSM Boot Camp

Mmmmm boots……

Oh, hello there.

*ahem*

Is bdsm one aspect of your life (among many) that you enjoy, something that flows naturally and freely? Or is it a major undertaking requiring extraordinary effort and causing you anguish?

I ask because there’s an approach to bdsm I’m seeing more and more of, though much more often online than in the local community. People are trying to frame up bdsm as some major personal improvement plan rather than something exciting and sexy. (I know bdsm isn’t always about the sexual side of things, but some deny the sexual aspect completely and turn it into a soulless, bland experience.) So in this setup, the domme is trying to improve the sub in some way, trying to make him a better person overall. It’s a worthy goal, but isn’t self-improvement more solid and lasting when it comes from within? Why do you need someone to tell you that there’s room for improvement? If you’re not motivated enough to do that on your own, it’s important to question why. If you can’t work on your weaknesses without someone guiding you step by step, you’ve got problems. And what domme is going to want a sub who doesn’t have the drive to improve himself?

I’m not looking for a life coach. I’ve got my life together. I see the areas that need improvement, and I work on them. Pretty simple. Simple, but not easy.

This domme-as-personal-trainer approach also contains another flaw. It assumes that the domme is either perfect or able to do her own self-improvements without any help from the sub. So if she’s capable and responsible enough to do that, why isn’t the sub? Does being submissive somehow make people less driven, less capable, or less strong? If he is responsible enough to do it, it’s insulting to insist that he isn’t.

Internet Morons, Volume XXVII

Why do so many people online insist that submission is about giving “without thought to one’s own desires” or something to that effect? Think about it, Sparky- If you weren’t getting your own desires fulfilled, do you really think you’d stay in that relationship? If it has nothing to do with what you want, why do you actively seek this type of relationship? You’re going after what you enjoy, so you’re pursuing your desires. You’re getting something out of it. If you truly got nothing from it, you wouldn’t do it. Quit trying to martyr yourself. Your actions are not selfless; they’re mutually satisfying. Bragging about how selfless you think you are only makes you look like a jackass.

Smooth Operator

Some people compare those who shave their pussies (or cocks) to pedophiles. They say it’s an effort to look like a kid, and to sexualize that. Here’s what I don’t get-

Every time you see an adult with a shaved crotch, *you* think of little kids’ private parts. How exactly does that make *me* a pedophile? I’m perfectly capable of looking at a naked adult and seeing a naked adult. If you’re not able to do that, then it seems you’re the one with the problem.

People shave lots of other body parts- legs, face, head, armpits, etc. So why don’t you think of kids when you see that? Why do you only think of kids when there are genitals involved? Who’s the pedophile here?

Assumptions

I find it odd that in a community of nonconformists, there are so many assumptions commonly held.

For example, if you’re involved in the public scene, you’re generally assumed to be a democrat, non-Christian, and if you’re female, bisexual.

On top of that, people make assumptions about individual style of d/s. You’re submissive, so you must think this way, act this way, and carry yourself this way. After breaking away from the standard way of doing things and embracing this side of ourselves, why do people feel the need to constrain us with further unnecessary rules and restrictions?

Stringing People Along

One of the more common things you’ll see is people looking for NSA (no strings attached) play. And it’s out there if you know where to look. Casual play is done in the local scene all the time. While it’s not as fulfilling as play in a relationship, it’s still fun.

Online, lots of women try to smash that desire by saying that NSA play is unrealistic. They use this as a means of prying something out of the sub, usually money or housework. It’s that whole “pay to play” mentality.

Their hypocrisy is evident when you read a little further. Usually these women are themselves looking for NSA housework. So NSA play is unrealistic, yet getting someone to do your housework NSA isn’t? How much crack do you have to smoke before that makes sense?

Yet Another Femdom Myth

I frequently see people online saying things like, “If you want to play, you have to offer the dom something of value, whether it’s services, money, or a gift.” How about stepping away from the crack pipe a minute and looking for the logic in that statement?

First off, it assumes that play isn’t anything of value. This feeds into the wildly popular internet myth of submissive men outnumbering dominant women by 100-to-1. (Online, that may be true. In the real world, it’s not.) The fact is that submissive men are worth something. So is our effort, our time, and our pain. There are people out there who appreciate these things.

That way of thinking also assumes that she won’t be enjoying it. If that’s the case, then yes, you’ll need to offer something in exchange for her doing something she doesn’t want to do. But I’m going to let you in on a little secret. There are people out there called “sadists”. They actually enjoy bdsm. They don’t need to be paid off in any way. They like to inflict pain or erotic humiliation. It’s pleasurable for them to do so. This means there’s no need for anything to change hands. It’s a mutually beneficial experience. Both people get something out of it. There’s no need for payment in a situation like that.

When you pay a domme in any way for playing, she becomes a pro-domme. Is that the type of relationship you want? If so, go for it. Or would you prefer playing with someone who is more of a regular friend or lover?

There’s no need for bribery. Women who enjoy playing are out there.