In a way, I envy people in male-dominant/female-submissive relationships. Not all, of course. But out of the people I know, most of whom are in that type of relationship since the local scene is horribly lopsided, there seems to be more balance.
In male-dominant relationships, the sub does nice things for the dom. She’s a sub. Subs tend to do that. And the dom does nice things for the sub as well. Got to take care of the one you love. Balance.
Gay and lesbian relationships also generally show that balance. You don’t see two lesbians standing at the door staring at each other, each waiting for the other to open the door.
In female-dominant/male-submissive relationships, it’s harder to find people who are open to that balance. The sub is expected not only to fulfill his subbly duties, but also to be responsible for the romance. And the dom is expected to just sit back and tell the sub what she wants. Not only that, but male doms tend to actually talk to someone they’re interested in; the majority of female doms most often expect to be approached, to be wowed while they sit back and critique.
This all comes down to society’s sexist idea of chivalry. They think that chivalry involves men doing nice things for women, ignoring the fact that women are equally capable of (and responsible for) romance. In both types of relationship, the man is expected to take care of the romance, to take care of his lady. Only the female subs are expected to return the effort. The doms are somehow above all this; they can receive romance, but doing something nice for the sub is beneath them.
Some of the other femdomers I’ve run into take this one-sided approach. It’s more common online, but I see it in person too. On the other hand, the majority of male-dominant/female-submissive couples I know tend to have a more egalitarian groove. Obviously this isn’t true for everyone. There are always exceptions. But it’s become enough of a pattern to become easily visible.
I see so many male subs not only submitting and taking care of the doms, but also trying to sweep them off their feet. Meanwhile, she just sits back and says, “Gimmie gimmie gimmie”. Where’s the effort on her part? Where’s the romance? This is nothing more than laziness and greed. I’d rather not be in a relationship with Jabba the Hutt, thank you.
If the relationship is to last (regardless of d/s configuration) both people need to make an effort to court each other. It runs both ways. Love and d/s don’t have to be mutually exclusive.
Love means making an effort. Yes, even if you’re dominant. It’s important to show love, not just receive it. Merely accepting someone’s love, submission, and trust is not enough.
I’ve been in relationships where the (dominant) woman I was with would sometimes open a door for me, as I did for her. I loved the looks people would give me. Vanilla women would glare. The bdsmers would look confused. It was beautiful every time. “*gasp* You’re not following the script!”
I have yet to hear a sensible explanation of why I should buy into the traditional sexist idea of gender-based chivalry. Usually all I hear is, “Because it’s nice” or, “It’s always been done that way”. Hmm. It’s “nice”. So it’s not nice for a woman to be romantic or make an effort? And just because other people, past or present, have done something, what does that have to do with me? Paying women less is something that’s always been done; does that mean we should follow suit? Why should I be a sheep who blindly follows their lead? That’s why I’m not real big on tradition in general. I don’t feel compelled to do things just because others have done them in the past. But when those traditions are sexist, I stand firmly against them.
I refuse to believe that my cock excludes me from being on the receiving end of romance. Being born a certain gender is not an excuse to be treated better or worse than someone else.
I definitely make an effort to treat the one I’m with well. But I expect the same. Romance is important. When you love someone, you show it. Regardless of gender or d/s status.