Scripted Behavior

Some people incorporate punishment, training, and protocol into their d/s relationships.  Others simply dominate on the fly, letting the d/s come more naturally.  The latter is more my style.  It’s more free-flowing, more of an instinctive, personal feel.  I find the former occasionally insulting, unnecessary, and a major burden.  A relationship should not be a burden; it should be a release from life’s burdens.  A sanctuary.  If you weigh it down with all sorts of artificial rules and restrictions, you then become preoccupied with following those rules.  It becomes work.  So you come home from work and………you work some more.  When do you relax?  When do you enjoy each other?  When do you focus on the more vanilla aspects of your relationship if you’re preoccupied with following the next step in the script?

I see training as insulting when it takes on the air of “I want you to change.”  That implies “You’re not good enough and I don’t love you for who you are; I want you to be someone else.”  If it’s something small, like nail-biting, that’s understandable, since it’s not an integral part of who that person is or how he/she behaves.  But when it comes to larger behaviors, our behavior is an important part of how we identify, a part of who we are.  When someone tries to alter that, it can amount to a rejection of a large part of that person.  Whether it’s a ‘nilla relationship or a d/s relationship, if whoever I’m with has a problem with me, I expect her to be able to talk about it with me so we can solve any problem as adults.  I don’t tolerate the manipulative training that vanilla women often try.  And in d/s, I find it insulting to be treated like an animal who can’t understand things on a more cerebral level.  If there’s something I want to change, I’ll make an effort and change it.  No one has to guide me through it as if I’m some clueless idiot.  I can control my own actions without being micromanaged.  If a sub wasn’t motivated enough to effect change on his or her own, is that really someone you’d want to be with?

Plus, training implies that the dominant partner always knows better, which is a mentality I despise.  Dommes are wrong just as often as subs and ‘nillafolk.  Omniscience is not something that comes with the Official Domme Card™.

Protocol strikes me as mostly meaningless and needlessly repetitive.  If I say “fuck” in every fucking sentence, after every fucking word, do you see how fucking quickly this fucking word loses its fucking meaning?  Same goes for protocol.  Having to use a certain title all the time or do a certain thing on cue doesn’t have the same effect or the same meaning as when I do it on my own, and it also doesn’t have the same effect as when it’s forced.  It’s a bleak middle ground between the two extremes.  It’s just empty repetition to me.

Lots of things seem much more meaningful when they’re not required.  For example, if I send flowers on a completely random day, that’s exponentially more meaningful than if I send flowers on Valentine’s day.  When something comes from the heart rather than from a learned sense of expectation, it carries so much more meaning.  That action is then being done out of love rather than out of fear of punishment.

Likewise, when I want to do something and I fail, the disappointment I feel is punishment enough.  There’s no need to add to it.  I already feel lousy over failing, and I want to avoid feeling this way again, which leads to more effort next time.

It’s not just d/s.  Even during my hard-drinking days, I never understood drinking games.  It just seemed like a totalitarian approach to drinking, and it sapped the fun out of what was normally enjoyable.  It was always much more gratifying doing it on our own terms.  I’m not a big fan of structure or prescribed behavior.

If you want to do a certain type of play, then do it.  There’s no need to frame it up as a punishment in order to “justify” doing it.  If you’re into it, do it.  You don’t need other peoples’ permission.  You don’t have to have a reason to cane someone, make him drink your piss, or lock his cock up.  Do what you enjoy.  Don’t worry about finding some arbitrary reason behind it.  Enjoyment is reason enough.

8 Responses to “Scripted Behavior”

  1. Elle Says:

    Sounds like this one is a pet peeve of yours or something 😉

    Still, I like your take on things. It sounds much more appealing that the D/s stuff happens when we feel like it.

    But there must be some protocols that won’t end up feeling repetitive, insulting or meaningless, or… You get my drift.

    Boy Toy and I, for instance, have a cigarette contract. You may have read about it already, I posted it a while back. While some other contracts and protocols of ours have fallen flat and all but got forgotten, this one, we keep at it. I like it. I love that he has to strip and kneel EVERY TIME he smokes and I’m around. Does that come into what you thought of as protocols?

    I was thinking of implementing protocols for Owner Fridays. Nothing complicated, because then that becomes too much work, as you say, and it isn’t fun anymore. Since it’s a once a week thing, could be that it’s not… too much. You know. Besides, trying it doesn’t mean I have to keep at it if I find I don’t enjoy it as much as I thought I would…

  2. pureliquidkink Says:

    It can be a pet peeve, sure. Especially when people keep yammering on about training, protocol, and “service” like they’re some kind of gold standard. Grr. What about love? To me that’s much more important.

    I haven’t yet found any protocol that doesn’t strike me negatively. That’s probably due to the very nature of doing something every single time. Sort of like when people in customer service say, “Have a nice day.” But when I don’t do something all the time (for example, using a title) then it’s more likely to hold meaning to me.

    And I understand that protocol does have meaning to some people. It’s an individual thing.

    “Does that come into what you thought of as protocols?”
    Yes. Original, but still protocol. It has meaning to the two of you though, and that’s what counts. If it were me, it would feel routine after a while. If rules and structure appeal to you, go with it. As you said, you don’t have to stick with anything that’s not working. Unless we’re talking about shoving raisins up your nose while wearing a chicken suit. That’s mandatory.

  3. Elle Says:

    I’ll skip the raisins, I think. And I don’t have a chicken suit, too bad.

    Hmmm well I don’t find the stripping to smoke has gotten to feel like routine, yet, for some strange reason. I enjoy looking at him. Whenever he says he wants to smoke a cigarette, I happily sit in my regular spot and stare at him until he blushes. For him, the feelings of mild humiliation and submission certainly don’t seem to have subsided. So it still serves its purpose. But it’s probably an exception. Like I mentioned, we had rules for other things too but none of them have survived 😉

  4. Tom Allen Says:

    I’m not a big fan of structure or prescribed behavior.


    I disliked drinking games when I was in college – and not because Ii didn’t do well at them (I was rather passable most of the time), but simply because when I want a beer/shot/margarita/whatever, then I want it at my own pace.

    Likewise, Mrs. Edge and I don’t have any rules for chastity play, both of us believing that pre-set rules actually remove the power from her.

    I did have a lover with whom we had some protocols, though – but just a few, and it worked more as a reminder or foreplay than as anything that needed compliance. For us and our play, it worked rather well.

    The thing is, some people love protocols and rules :cough:goreans:cough: and for them, that’s okay, too. They like the legalese and the twists and turns of obeying one while being – sort of – out of compliance with another. Perhaps it gives structure to their lives, I don’t know. I do know that every group always seems to have at least one person who knows the chapter and subchapter of every rule and subclause of every exception – and this goes for your local munch or your local library board.

    It takes all types, you know?

  5. pureliquidkink Says:

    Elle- No chicken suit? And you call yourself a dominant woman? You’ll never be a Real True Domme® with an attitude like that.

    Tom- I agree about rules removing power from the dominant partner. Some would argue that she can always override those rules, but then what’s the point of having them? I just skip the whole thing.
    What really gets me are the people who try to push their own personal protocol preferences on others, and look down on those who don’t do it the same way. But that’s not so much a gripe with rules and structure as it is a gripe with narrowminded conformity.

  6. Elle Says:

    Ok, I just told Boy Toy I need to get a chicken suit 😛

    And seeing your comment to Tom, I think I understand why it sounded like a pet peeve. But you know, whatever I do, I’d never push it on anyone else and I would certainly not judge anyone for doing differently than me. To each their own, I say!

  7. pureliquidkink Says:

    Elle- Can you imagine the look on his face if you tied him down, got him all worked up, then came back in wearing a chicken suit?

    My problem with people who push their personal preferences (yay for alliteration!) on others is really a different rant altogether. My issues with protocol and training themselves are what I was going after with this post. It’s a pet peeve because of all the reasons I mentioned in the post itself.

  8. To Err is Human, to Punish is Sometimes Advisable | Dilo Keith: Writing About Erotic Dominance & Submission Says:

    […] failure works better for them, as a way of preventing recurrences, or maybe the submissive simply finds the dominant’s disappointment so crushing that punishment is superfluous. For me, talking lapses through is useful and a dominant’s […]

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