Some people incorporate punishment, training, and protocol into their d/s relationships. Others simply dominate on the fly, letting the d/s come more naturally. The latter is more my style. It’s more free-flowing, more of an instinctive, personal feel. I find the former occasionally insulting, unnecessary, and a major burden. A relationship should not be a burden; it should be a release from life’s burdens. A sanctuary. If you weigh it down with all sorts of artificial rules and restrictions, you then become preoccupied with following those rules. It becomes work. So you come home from work and………you work some more. When do you relax? When do you enjoy each other? When do you focus on the more vanilla aspects of your relationship if you’re preoccupied with following the next step in the script?
I see training as insulting when it takes on the air of “I want you to change.” That implies “You’re not good enough and I don’t love you for who you are; I want you to be someone else.” If it’s something small, like nail-biting, that’s understandable, since it’s not an integral part of who that person is or how he/she behaves. But when it comes to larger behaviors, our behavior is an important part of how we identify, a part of who we are. When someone tries to alter that, it can amount to a rejection of a large part of that person. Whether it’s a ‘nilla relationship or a d/s relationship, if whoever I’m with has a problem with me, I expect her to be able to talk about it with me so we can solve any problem as adults. I don’t tolerate the manipulative training that vanilla women often try. And in d/s, I find it insulting to be treated like an animal who can’t understand things on a more cerebral level. If there’s something I want to change, I’ll make an effort and change it. No one has to guide me through it as if I’m some clueless idiot. I can control my own actions without being micromanaged. If a sub wasn’t motivated enough to effect change on his or her own, is that really someone you’d want to be with?
Plus, training implies that the dominant partner always knows better, which is a mentality I despise. Dommes are wrong just as often as subs and ‘nillafolk. Omniscience is not something that comes with the Official Domme Card™.
Protocol strikes me as mostly meaningless and needlessly repetitive. If I say “fuck” in every fucking sentence, after every fucking word, do you see how fucking quickly this fucking word loses its fucking meaning? Same goes for protocol. Having to use a certain title all the time or do a certain thing on cue doesn’t have the same effect or the same meaning as when I do it on my own, and it also doesn’t have the same effect as when it’s forced. It’s a bleak middle ground between the two extremes. It’s just empty repetition to me.
Lots of things seem much more meaningful when they’re not required. For example, if I send flowers on a completely random day, that’s exponentially more meaningful than if I send flowers on Valentine’s day. When something comes from the heart rather than from a learned sense of expectation, it carries so much more meaning. That action is then being done out of love rather than out of fear of punishment.
Likewise, when I want to do something and I fail, the disappointment I feel is punishment enough. There’s no need to add to it. I already feel lousy over failing, and I want to avoid feeling this way again, which leads to more effort next time.
It’s not just d/s. Even during my hard-drinking days, I never understood drinking games. It just seemed like a totalitarian approach to drinking, and it sapped the fun out of what was normally enjoyable. It was always much more gratifying doing it on our own terms. I’m not a big fan of structure or prescribed behavior.
If you want to do a certain type of play, then do it. There’s no need to frame it up as a punishment in order to “justify” doing it. If you’re into it, do it. You don’t need other peoples’ permission. You don’t have to have a reason to cane someone, make him drink your piss, or lock his cock up. Do what you enjoy. Don’t worry about finding some arbitrary reason behind it. Enjoyment is reason enough.