More Rhetoric from the Femdom Police

So often I see online (and occasionally in person) someone saying that d/s is all about the domme’s desires or some variation on that.  “It’s not about what you want.  Your desires don’t matter.”  Um, yeah.  About that.

That kind of idealistic gorean approach may work in some chat room role-play, but in flesh-and-blood relationships, it doesn’t fly.  In a real-world d/s relationship, both people are important.  It’s not about one person.  If the sub isn’t getting his or her needs met, why stick around?  The sub will instead find someone who does care, rather than staying with some whiny, self-centered fucknoodle.

Lots of subs fall into this way of thinking too.  Some who are in relationships often try to make themselves out to be martyrs by proclaiming that they put the domme’s desires first and forsake their own.  In reality, both people in those relationships are shooting for the same target.  They want the same thing.  It could just as easily be said that they’re chasing their own desires first since they want the same thing the dommes want.  So how can these subs say that they’re putting their own desires last when they’re going after exactly what they want?  How can they justify this “all about the domme” attitude?

This is often answered with more flimsy propaganda which anyone capable of independent thought can see through.  “A sub is supposed to derive pleasure from serving, not from having their own needs met.”  Can you say “bullshit”, boys and girls?  Very good!  Being submissive does not eliminate basic human qualities from one’s being.  We still have our own thoughts, feelings, needs, and faults.  If we aren’t getting our needs met, if we’re not happy in our relationships, doing some housework isn’t going to fix anything.  “Serving” cannot fill the voids in other areas.  It’s not going to magically make all our desires disappear.

While I advocate seeking the things you enjoy, don’t take it to an extreme.  We’ve all come across the subs who think all dominant women are dominance machines who are always up for anything.  “I want to do this and this and this, and I don’t care what you want.”  That selfish approach isn’t good, whether you’re dominant or submissive.  (Yet it’s often tolerated among those who call themselves dominant.  Probably because there are so many online wankers who are desperate enough to put up with it.)  This is just as bad as the “dominant” men and women who think that TPE is the default setting, and that the sub should do almost anything without question.  In real life, compromise happens.  Yes, even when there’s d/s involved.  A d/s relationship is not a take-it-or-leave-it situation.  Same goes for casual play.  Both people need to work out what they want from the experience and what things they’re more flexible with.  Being dominant does not give anybody a monopoly on having their needs met.

It is about you.  It’s also about the other person.  It’s about the two of you.  Is that really such a hard concept?  All the other aspects of the relationship are not thrown out just because d/s becomes a part of it.

There’s nothing wrong with having needs and desires.  And there’s nothing wrong with pursuing those desires.  Even if you’re submissive.  If you don’t go after what you want, you’ll probably never find it.  Don’t listen to those who say that it’s not about your desires or that you shouldn’t go after what you want.  You are the main character in your life.  Make it what you want it to be.

8 Responses to “More Rhetoric from the Femdom Police”

  1. Lady Julia Says:

    What a great, common sense post. Nicely done 🙂

  2. pureliquidkink Says:

    Thank you! I just wish common sense were more common.

  3. Elle Says:

    hehe yeah, you always do make a lot of sense, while using funny little words like fucknoodle. I love that 😉

  4. pureliquidkink Says:

    Thanks, Elle! I usually have strange little nuggets of strange floating around in my head, and sometimes they make their way into my writing.

  5. Mykey Says:

    I always find Me/me I/i Him/him etc rather funny. Its seems contrived, and a bit geeky. You ever noticed how many of the ‘cool’ or ‘alternative’ lifestylers are huge geeks in disguise. People think of IT or Physics as geekery but try hanging around with

    — Bikers (motorbikes) can reel off model numbers all night. Trust me I know. Used to run a bike club.
    — Kinksters, can be overwhelmingly obsessively into the ‘lifestyle’
    — Swingers, need I say more
    — Goths/Indie kids, music and clothing and being ‘different’ just like their friends (again I know, ’nuff said)
    — Clubbers, music and the best DJ in town

    Yeah its true, find any cool or semi-cool subset of society and you will probably find camoflaged geeks.

    M

  6. pureliquidkink Says:

    Absolutely! Our local bdsm community (Pittsburgh) is crawling with geeks. And I like it that way.

    T/the C/capitalization T/thing strikes me as self-important and nit-picky rather than geeky. And reading it makes me feel dyslexic.

  7. Mykey Says:

    What makes me smile is the lack of awareness. Most bikers, most clubbers and many swingers I have known didn’t realize they were exhibiting the same traits. The geek label just isn’t associated with those activities. I wouldn’t say I like or dislike it as such, but I must confess that I am one 🙂

  8. Elle Says:

    Oh, oh, oh! I confess too! I’m a geek 😀

    (in case you hadn’t noticed yet)


Leave a reply... or squirrels will eat your face.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: