No, this isn’t a post about piss play or strap-ons.
It’s a post about peoples’ dumbitude.
Lots of people out there have an interest in some facet of bdsm, and they’re not quite sure how to tell their partners. So they post online asking for advice on how to broach the subject. No problem so far.
Then lots of people end up saying things like, “You should buy this book and give it to her”, or, “Show her this website; it’s got everything she needs to know.”
I’ve got no problem with people learning and using various resources to further themselves in some way. But why not, you know, communicate? Aren’t you in a relationship? Don’t you talk to each other?
Handing someone a book or link and then running away is a timid way to handle the situation.
Plus, they’re other peoples’ words. This is a problem on two fronts. First, it’s very impersonal. It doesn’t come from you. It comes from some shmo who doesn’t know either of you, who doesn’t know a thing about your relationship. Second, those words are only true for the person who wrote them; your relationship, your interests, and your limits are different than the author’s.
It’s important to develop your own style of bdsm. We all have our own flavor. Reading books, going to demos, and checking out websites can all be part of learning what’s out there. But they’re not a substitute for thinking for yourself. Handing someone a prepackaged bundle of words comes across as cold and scripted. It leaves little room for the recipient to feel out his or her own way of doing things. Plus, it adds pressure, which is very un-sexy. Not only that, but what if the recipient has a question? They can’t ask the book, and since you’re obviously not willing to talk, they can’t ask you either. Making someone feel alone and pressured isn’t real conducive to open-minded exploration.
Instead of just trying to hand someone a book, why not take the time to think about why you want to do whatever it is, and then talk about it? Use your words to explain why it appeals to you and what you think she might enjoy about it. Yes, it actually involves a little effort, but it’s more personal, more accurate, and more likely to get the other person interested.