For a while, I’ve been considering joining one of the big bdsm sites out there like alt or collarme. One thing is holding me back: unrealistic assbuckets who don’t know what bdsm is like in real life.
In the local scene, all my friends take a very realistic approach to bdsm. We experience it. We know what it’s like, and we work it into our lives.
Online, it’s different. People are obsessed with d/s. Some “dominant” women online expect a sub to jump through all sorts of pointless hoops just for the supposed privilege of talking with them. Huge egos are common.
They often expect that the sub will have a housework fetish; if not, then he’s not “really” submissive. So many of these supposedly dominant women try to use d/s as an excuse to justify their own personal laziness and greed. They don’t realize that there’s a difference between “dominant woman” and “lazy, conceited, selfish twat”. Lots of them have an unrealistic gorean expectation that the sub will be “on” most (if not all) of the time, and that all they have to do is sit back and make their desires known. Don’t contribute. Don’t dominate. Don’t make an effort. After all, he’s submissive, making effort is his responsibility.
Rather than adding bdsm to a loving relationship, they sometimes try to eliminate the loving foundation and base it on “I’m dominant, you’re submissive. So we do things my way.” That just doesn’t work for a long-term relationship.
It’s not just the doms though. There’s the whole “subbier-than-thou” attitude exhibited by many. The constant one-upmanship is an ineffectual attempt at impressing the doms. These guys are constantly trying to gain ground at the expense of others. Contrast that with the local scene, where subs (well, everyone, really) try to help and support each other. The subs see it as a cutthroat competition. And the doms often foster that attitude since it benefits them.
I’m a pessimistic bastard. I realize this. And I’m sure there are a lot of quality people out there who know what bdsm is like in an actual in-the-flesh relationship. But the number of overly idealistic role-players out there make me wonder if it’s worth it to join a site like that.