When someone asks you to play and you’re not interested, how do you say no without feeling like an ass? I’ve posed this question in other places too, and it’s a tough one.
I try to be as gentle and diplomatic as possible, and I still feel like a major prick when I turn someone down. I realize that as long as I’m not rude, the onus is on the other person to not take it personally. But it still bothers me to tell someone no.
If I’ve got other scenes lined up and won’t have time, that’s easy enough to deal with; just be honest, and maybe set something up for another night. But honesty isn’t always the best way to go if that person has major hygiene problems or simply can’t be trusted.
Some may see it as shallow, but I need to be attracted to whoever I’m playing with. I liken it to sex: Would you have sex with someone you’re not attracted to? So if I’m just not feeling it with someone who wants to play, what’s the best way to handle that without hurting her?
I’ve been approached by men wanting to play, and I just tell them that I don’t play with men. It’s a short way of saying that I’m not attracted to men. Pretty simple. And that’s a pretty common response, so they’re used to it. They don’t get offended by my heterosexuality. Can’t blame them for going after something they want; we all do it.
In saying no to anyone, I like dealing with more experienced people. Usually, their approach is clear but open-ended. Something along the lines of, “I’d like to play with you sometime. If you’re interested, you know where to find me.” That’s a much better way to approach someone, and it’s one that I often use if I ask someone to play. That way, the person being asked doesn’t have to say no if they’re not interested. But not everyone uses this approach, and sometimes people can even be pushy. Those are the ones I have trouble dealing with.
One approach I take is an honest approach which sort of puts the blame on me. I’ll say something like, “I need to feel a certain chemistry when I play with someone, and I’m just not feeling that.” Still, I feel mean saying this.
Don’t get me wrong, this is a good problem to have. It’s much better than being involved in a bdsm community which is overrun with pushy, obsequious subs. I’ve heard of this happening in other cities. An event will be loaded with submissive men, and anyone vaguely female who walks in the door is pounced on. That tends to chase women away, which only further skews the ratio.
What are some effective ways of saying no without hurting the one asking?