Mrs. Reagan Told Me To Just Say No

When someone asks you to play and you’re not interested, how do you say no without feeling like an ass? I’ve posed this question in other places too, and it’s a tough one.

I try to be as gentle and diplomatic as possible, and I still feel like a major prick when I turn someone down. I realize that as long as I’m not rude, the onus is on the other person to not take it personally. But it still bothers me to tell someone no.

If I’ve got other scenes lined up and won’t have time, that’s easy enough to deal with; just be honest, and maybe set something up for another night. But honesty isn’t always the best way to go if that person has major hygiene problems or simply can’t be trusted.

Some may see it as shallow, but I need to be attracted to whoever I’m playing with. I liken it to sex: Would you have sex with someone you’re not attracted to? So if I’m just not feeling it with someone who wants to play, what’s the best way to handle that without hurting her?

I’ve been approached by men wanting to play, and I just tell them that I don’t play with men. It’s a short way of saying that I’m not attracted to men. Pretty simple. And that’s a pretty common response, so they’re used to it. They don’t get offended by my heterosexuality. Can’t blame them for going after something they want; we all do it.

In saying no to anyone, I like dealing with more experienced people. Usually, their approach is clear but open-ended. Something along the lines of, “I’d like to play with you sometime. If you’re interested, you know where to find me.” That’s a much better way to approach someone, and it’s one that I often use if I ask someone to play. That way, the person being asked doesn’t have to say no if they’re not interested. But not everyone uses this approach, and sometimes people can even be pushy. Those are the ones I have trouble dealing with.

One approach I take is an honest approach which sort of puts the blame on me. I’ll say something like, “I need to feel a certain chemistry when I play with someone, and I’m just not feeling that.” Still, I feel mean saying this.

Don’t get me wrong, this is a good problem to have. It’s much better than being involved in a bdsm community which is overrun with pushy, obsequious subs. I’ve heard of this happening in other cities. An event will be loaded with submissive men, and anyone vaguely female who walks in the door is pounced on. That tends to chase women away, which only further skews the ratio.

What are some effective ways of saying no without hurting the one asking?

3 Responses to “Mrs. Reagan Told Me To Just Say No”

  1. Elle Says:

    Awww, I should have read this post before going to that kinky party, now I’m hoping I wasn’t mean to that slave boy/girl. Honestly, we decided to go to the party at the last minute and I never even thought someone could ask me to play, and how I should say no. I guess I thought Boy Toy would be by my side the whole night.

    I don’t think you’re some kind of an ass for wanting to be attracted to whoever you play with. I don’t just liken to sex, to me, it IS sex. What’s more, I wouldn’t play with anyone but Boy Toy. I’m “faithful” lol… Not that it would bother him, but it’s just not something I want to do. Maybe I’m just weird 😉

    As for some effective non-hurtful ways of saying no… Yeah, that’s a delicate one. It’s easy if you have a legitimate reason but what if you don’t? I think your “I’m not feeling any chemistry” response is pretty good. It doesn’t leave the door open for later and if you play with someone else that same night, it won’t look like you lied or something.

  2. pureliquidkink Says:

    You couldn’t have read the post before going because I didn’t write it until after I read your post. Well, I had a draft saved before that, but I didn’t tweak it and post it right away.

    I wouldn’t worry too much- as you said, you had no idea you were going to be approached, so you couldn’t anticipate something like that happening. At least now you can be prepared in case it happens again. And you also have an easy way out, since you don’t play with anyone else.

    And I don’t think that’s weird either. What we do can be intimate, and not wanting to share that intimacy with people outside the relationship is a pretty normal feeling. There are people who are like that in my local scene too.

  3. Elle Says:

    Well, I COULD have read your mind!

    I’m not too worried, I’m not usually a bitch… and I think it was ok in the end since I said I already had a male slave. Doesn’t sound too mean to me! I just hope I didn’t seem too aloof or insensitive or something. I’m just uncomfortable saying no and I must admit I was a bit weirded out. My fault, really, for not anticipating that I could be asked to play by a slave boy/girl. Now I’ll know 😉

    Yay, I’m not weird!

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