On various bdsm sites, one of the more common complaints dominant women have is that of the guys who think bdsm is just like what they read in fictitious stories. These guys have unrealistic one-sided fantasies in their heads, and they expect the dom to fulfill them, regardless of whether she’s into it or not. It’s definitely a valid complaint.

But the other side of that exists, and people don’t often get called out on it. There are plenty of women who think the sub is going to clean their house, do their laundry, change their oil, do the yard work, and myriad other tasks. And he’s going to be magically fulfilled in the process. No need for an emotional connection or any form of physical relationship, no need for anything other than the dom sitting back and saying what she wants. So who’s reading too much fiction now? This is just as one-sided and unrealistic as the color-by-numbers fantasies in the first paragraph. There may be a handful who do that in real life (just like the scripted checklist fantasies above) but they’re exceedingly rare. Because it’s so rare in real life, how can anyone say with any seriousness that this is the way all subs should act?

If you call someone out on this online, you get shouted down because, as everyone knows, all “real” subs get deep fulfillment from doing thankless grunt work and never getting their own desires met. And the internet is dominated by people who don’t actually do this in real life. There are plenty of “cyber-dommes” and their desperate minions, but the majority of them have never had an in-person bdsm relationship. The few who have have had short relationships due to their unrealistic expectations, so they retreat to the internet where they can again be praised and told that they’re always right.

Look at reality. Just looking locally as an example, I know tons of people into bdsm (which includes d/s.) Of them, at least 99% of them do bdsm because they enjoy it. There’s no lopsided distribution of housework involved, no one-sided fantasies. Every couple does what they do because it makes them happy. There’s no one-sided fiction involved. Doms and subs alike realize that being self-centered quickly kills relationships and drives away friends and play partners.

Lots of new subs think, “Am I broken?” when they realize that they don’t gain fulfillment from doing housework and succumbing to the philosophy of the internet dom. Usually the response is, “You’re not broken, you’re just not submissive. You’re a bottom. Go to see a pro-domme.” Wrong. Submission takes many forms. Just because it doesn’t match a particular dom’s particular flavor of d/s, that doesn’t mean it’s not submission. It just means you’re not compatible.

Teaching Them to Torment Testicles

Did I mention I have an alliteration fetish?

In February I’ll be co-teaching a class/demo on cbt. It’ll be in the Pittsburgh scene, so most of the attendees will be people I know. This will be a two-part demo, with the first half being on cbt and the second on female genitorture. I won’t be involved with the second half, so my part will be about 45-60 minutes. Most likely it’ll involve about 20-40 minutes of talking about various forms of cbt, followed by a demonstration. These demos usually bring in about 30-60 people.

Remember that cliché nightmare about being naked in front of a classroom full of people?

It’s hard to believe that 5-6 years ago, when I was first starting out in the public bdsm scene, I was so shy. I wasn’t able to play in public and I had a very hard time even talking about my interests with people in the community. Now here I am about to get nekkid and talk in detail about one of my interests. While I’m not insecure about my body, I’m just not real comfortable being the center of attention. Public speaking has always been hard for me. But the fact that these will mostly be friends and people who’ve seen me play before should make it easier.

BDSM Boot Camp

Mmmmm boots……

Oh, hello there.


Is bdsm one aspect of your life (among many) that you enjoy, something that flows naturally and freely? Or is it a major undertaking requiring extraordinary effort and causing you anguish?

I ask because there’s an approach to bdsm I’m seeing more and more of, though much more often online than in the local community. People are trying to frame up bdsm as some major personal improvement plan rather than something exciting and sexy. (I know bdsm isn’t always about the sexual side of things, but some deny the sexual aspect completely and turn it into a soulless, bland experience.) So in this setup, the domme is trying to improve the sub in some way, trying to make him a better person overall. It’s a worthy goal, but isn’t self-improvement more solid and lasting when it comes from within? Why do you need someone to tell you that there’s room for improvement? If you’re not motivated enough to do that on your own, it’s important to question why. If you can’t work on your weaknesses without someone guiding you step by step, you’ve got problems. And what domme is going to want a sub who doesn’t have the drive to improve himself?

I’m not looking for a life coach. I’ve got my life together. I see the areas that need improvement, and I work on them. Pretty simple. Simple, but not easy.

This domme-as-personal-trainer approach also contains another flaw. It assumes that the domme is either perfect or able to do her own self-improvements without any help from the sub. So if she’s capable and responsible enough to do that, why isn’t the sub? Does being submissive somehow make people less driven, less capable, or less strong? If he is responsible enough to do it, it’s insulting to insist that he isn’t.