On various bdsm sites, one of the more common complaints dominant women have is that of the guys who think bdsm is just like what they read in fictitious stories. These guys have unrealistic one-sided fantasies in their heads, and they expect the dom to fulfill them, regardless of whether she’s into it or not. It’s definitely a valid complaint.

But the other side of that exists, and people don’t often get called out on it. There are plenty of women who think the sub is going to clean their house, do their laundry, change their oil, do the yard work, and myriad other tasks. And he’s going to be magically fulfilled in the process. No need for an emotional connection or any form of physical relationship, no need for anything other than the dom sitting back and saying what she wants. So who’s reading too much fiction now? This is just as one-sided and unrealistic as the color-by-numbers fantasies in the first paragraph. There may be a handful who do that in real life (just like the scripted checklist fantasies above) but they’re exceedingly rare. Because it’s so rare in real life, how can anyone say with any seriousness that this is the way all subs should act?

If you call someone out on this online, you get shouted down because, as everyone knows, all “real” subs get deep fulfillment from doing thankless grunt work and never getting their own desires met. And the internet is dominated by people who don’t actually do this in real life. There are plenty of “cyber-dommes” and their desperate minions, but the majority of them have never had an in-person bdsm relationship. The few who have have had short relationships due to their unrealistic expectations, so they retreat to the internet where they can again be praised and told that they’re always right.

Look at reality. Just looking locally as an example, I know tons of people into bdsm (which includes d/s.) Of them, at least 99% of them do bdsm because they enjoy it. There’s no lopsided distribution of housework involved, no one-sided fantasies. Every couple does what they do because it makes them happy. There’s no one-sided fiction involved. Doms and subs alike realize that being self-centered quickly kills relationships and drives away friends and play partners.

Lots of new subs think, “Am I broken?” when they realize that they don’t gain fulfillment from doing housework and succumbing to the philosophy of the internet dom. Usually the response is, “You’re not broken, you’re just not submissive. You’re a bottom. Go to see a pro-domme.” Wrong. Submission takes many forms. Just because it doesn’t match a particular dom’s particular flavor of d/s, that doesn’t mean it’s not submission. It just means you’re not compatible.

7 Responses to “Fiction?”

  1. Tom Allen Says:

    This is one of the reasons that I do not list myself as submissive in group profiles – I’m obviously doing it wrong. My wife does most of the laundry, we shop together, I cook most of the dinners, she vacuums, I clean the bathroom (and not with a toothbrush or in a french maid uniform).

    Mrs. Edge freaks a little bit when she sees what subs are “supposed” to be like, according to the pervasive BDSM memes that are found online.

    I’ve also been astounded at the pro web sites on which dommes outwardly tell you that they expect financial contributions, gifts, and free labor. It’s all messed up, isn’t it?

  2. pureliquidkink Says:


    It’s a big chunk of messed up. We’re “supposed to” give so much only to be told we’re inferior and not worth her time? Yeah, I’ll pass.

  3. lissy Says:

    Excellent Post! What is it with some dominants and housework, because a lot of male dom types similarly have the “you will scrub my house with a toothpick and then give me a blowjob and you will be pleased with that bitch” fantasy crap? Did they never learn how to do their own dishes?

    But of course I only ask these questions because I am not a twue sub – housework is one of my hard limits. If I was twue sub I would be totally happy to take orders from someone who can’t take care of themselves…

  4. Tom Allen Says:

    Part of the “selling points” on trying to convince one’s wife/gf to support the use of male chastity devices is the amount of housework you can make your man do for the privilege of earning an orgasm.

    Doesn’t that make it sound so sexy?

  5. pureliquidkink Says:

    Yeah, bribery with mundane stuff is just the ticket to get someone to do something. So much better than doing it because you both find it sexy, loving, and bonding.

  6. Stabbity Says:

    Augh! The ‘housework as a selling point’ thing is one of my many pet peeves. A decent person would help out around the house without his poor vanilla partner having to bribe him with the prospect of play – how is this supposed to appeal to a vanilla woman?

    I had the crazy idea that the really satisfying part of kink was the connection with your partner. No-strings housework, as convenient as that would be (I hate cleaning), just doesn’t mean anything to me.

  7. Andrew Cole Says:

    I know this post is a few years old, but I thought I would throw my two cents in. I’m one of those rare subs who is actually fulfilled by doing grunt work; it allows me to express my desire to serve women I am sexually attracted to. If I come over to your house and clean your bathroom, I’ve relieved you of the responsibility of doing it yourself. I don’t like doing chores more than anybody else does, but I would much rather do them if it means she doesn’t have to. That, to me, is what submission and service is about. I don’t need a reward for raking your yard because doing the work for you IS my reward.

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