People Fill Me with Grr

I saw a post today on a chastity/t&d discussion group. Of course, I responded. A woman was asking what penalty most dommes/keyholders give when the sub argues. And yet so many dominant women accuse men of having unrealistic expectations and fantasies. This is further proof that it happens on both sides of the d/s spectrum.

Say it with me, boys and girls:

Chastity is not a solution to relationship problems.

Very good!

Why do people continue to think that chastity or d/s will solve their relationship problems? When you have a fight, you need to work it out as a couple. Just because there’s d/s or chastity in the equation, that doesn’t mean that you don’t have to compromise. A d/s relationship is still a relationship. You still have to deal with all the vanilla problems that everyone else has.

Let’s say that a hypothetical couple has a fight. She’s got him locked in chastity. Using this approach of penalizing the sub for not agreeing with everything the domme says, she punishes him in some way. The next time he disagrees, he’s reluctant to say so. He’s reluctant to communicate out of fear of punishment. Now he can no longer express his own needs and desires, which means he can no longer get those needs filled since she doesn’t know what they are. Why would he stay in this relationship when he could easily find someone who actually cares about his happiness?

Relationships, even if they involve chastity or d/s, are based on love, trust, respect, and communication. Eliminating any of these elements, or making any of them one-sided, will destroy the relationship.

8 Responses to “People Fill Me with Grr”

  1. Tom Allen Says:

    I suspect that you and I were reading the same group.

    How sad – this feeds into the idea that men are slaves to their penises… er, penii… er, whatever the plural is. And again, this also feeds into the idea that denial is about punishment.

    I hope you chimed in and gave your opinion on that.

  2. pureliquidkink Says:

    I did. Unfortunately, most of the others who responded are sticking with the internet propaganda rather than reality.

  3. Mykey Says:

    I suspect you read it wrong, or perhaps I did. There us a difference between making your needs known, strongly if you have to, and arguing. I know my wife hates arguments, which in her parlance means shouting, defensiveness, being too aggressive for her. But she is open to discussions, even if they are strongly worded at times, and uncomfortable. The key is wether there is care and consideration in the tone.

    I could well believe she might one day punish arguments. But not the meaning of the word argument as you define it. I interpreted that same discussion as my wifes definition, not yours.

    I have learnt, due to her and my very different use of language, to be careful in assuming somebody else means the same as me even for a simple common word.


  4. pureliquidkink Says:

    The problem is that regardless of the definition, the domme is still free to shout or say nasty things while the sub gets punished for doing the same. And that’s not okay in my book.

  5. pureliquidkink Says:

    Very true, at least in reality. There are lots of people out there pushing this sort of borderline abusive d/s online, so I have to wonder how many new people get confused. The “it’s all about her” approach is prevalent on the internet, and it most likely screws a lot of people up.

  6. Mykey Says:

    Yeah I know what you mean. My wife is starting to get more serious and needs to do some Reading. I have warned her to watch out for the fantasists. They sure make this one think to itself that it’s all a bit over the top 🙂

  7. pureliquidkink Says:

    Definitely. That’s one of the beautiful things about bdsm- you can take what you like and leave what you don’t. It’s a buffet. But it’s also hard for new people to realize that; lots of them are pressured into believing the official party line. It’s also hard for new people to cut through the stereotypes. At least your wife has you there to help cut through the crap.

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