My Head is Making Too Much Noise

A few friends have been trying to get me to go with them to various bdsm events held in cities about 2-3 hours away.  Some of these are events or groups that I’d been wanting to check out for a while, so it’s probably time.  There’s also a new femdom group that started up in one of those cities, and they have munches and parties.  It may be worth a look, especially since I’ve heard some very positive things so far.  It could prove to be fun.

I’m still doing vanilla dating as well, but there’s something I can’t get out of my head lately.  I went out recently with someone who turned out to be mostly looking for casual sex.  Casual sex isn’t something I do very often though; I’ve got to be in the right mood for it.  So nothing happened with her that night.  What struck me is that in talking with her throughout the night, it became clear that her confidence and self-image relied on how much attention and/or sex she could get from men.  If she wasn’t getting that attention, she felt worthless and isolated; if she did get that attention, she felt good……temporarily.  It seemed like she was trying to fill a larger need with something fleeting and meaningless.  We all feel more confident when we get lots of attention, but to wholly rely on that attention for your entire sense of self-worth seems like setting yourself up for disappointment. It really made me think.  From where do we draw our confidence?  What makes us feel like worthwhile and valuable people?  It’s given me a lot to reflect on.  Do I rely on being loved to feel confident?  Or being valued as a friend?  On being trustworthy, passionate, or giving?  Where do I draw confidence from, and is it coming from the right place?

What’s Happening to My Fantasies???

First, a quick update since my last post.  I’m dating again, with varying degrees of success.  Things are definitely looking up. Still hurting, but that’s fading, as is the awkwardness between G and I.  The sun is coming back out in my life.

But lately, something has been confusing me.  Over the past few days, something has gotten repeatedly stuck in my head.

I’ve only tried creampies once before, and that was my own cum.  (It didn’t work out so well since she used contraceptive film, which had a strong chemical taste and made my tongue numb.)  Overall it was a hot experience, and one I’d always hoped to try again…..with a different form of birth control.

Lately though, the thought of eating someone else’s cum out of the domme’s pussy has crept into my mind.  The idea never appealed to me at all, but now I think I can finally see the potential for some hotness there.  This conflicts me though.  On one hand, cuckolding is a limit for me.  But it’s not so much the sex itself that bothers me; it’s the intimacy, the dating, the feelings shared with the other person.  But if the domme and the other guy were only fuck buddies, that wouldn’t be an issue.  No dating, loving gazes, just “hello, sex, goodbye”. No love between the domme and the other person, just friendship.

I definitely couldn’t go for a traditional cuckolding arrangement.  With regular cuckolding, the domme generally goes out and dates and fucks whenever she likes, with no involvement from the sub.  That would be a big problem for me.  But being made to listen from the closet or the next room and being involved in the aftermath/cleanup could potentially be an intense experience.

I’m not sure why this has suddenly crept into my fantasies.  I’ve already had a few delicious orgasms thinking about it.  I have been thinking a lot lately about dating, relationships, sex, and various arrangements of those, so that may have something to do with it.  Or maybe it’s some sort of coping mechanism.  Maybe it’s temporary.  Or maybe this will be a permanent part of my bdsm repertoire.  Who knows?  In reality, any kind of arrangement like this is incredibly risky for the relationship.  And there’s the whole STD thing.  All I know is that this has eased its way into my head lately and, well, there it is.