Dominance vs. Communication

A thread on Fetlife got my synapses moving.  Someone had asked how “demanding” most dommes are.  This opened up a whole slew of thoughts for me, though most of them had to ferment a bit first.

My first reaction is that “demanding” has such a negative connotation.  It brings to mind the spoiled, whiny, princess type that I can’t stand. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who is demanding.

“Demanding” can also be uses synonymously with “challenging”.  I do get something out of being pushed, in being made to take more than I think I can take, going further than I’m comfortable with simply because she enjoys it.  Even if I desperately want whatever it is to stop, I do derive pleasure from knowing I’m making her happy.

But this doesn’t hold true in all areas of my life.  Some things are off limits to d/s- family, career, finances, health, etc.  I work on improving myself, so I don’t need a life coach.  And I’d become severely irritated with being micromanaged.

While I don’t go for the icy robobitch type, passively sitting back and making one’s desires known is not dominance either.  Communicating what you want does not make you a domme.  This is a balancing act; I don’t feel a domme should have to force everything, but some force, some dominance, is necessary.  There is plenty of room for subtle, quiet dominance.  There is also room for taking what you want.  Both styles have a place, and I prefer a blend of these.  24/7 is simply not feasible if the dominance is all the “taking what you want / using force” variety.  That would grow tiring for both people.  But the more genteel dominance would be boring if that’s all there was.  It would feel like submission without dominance.  Both of these styles of dominance are necessary in a relationship.

When it comes to being attentive and doing nice things, this is something that should be done for both and by both.  A d/s relationship is still a relationship, and it doesn’t mean one person should give up on receiving romance and effort.

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Eye Juice

Last night, T and I spent some more time together. I picked her up from work and we went to dinner.  (For dessert, we had deep-fried cheesecake, which rather confused my mouth.)  Then it was kink time.

After having me strip, she ordered me to my knees.  She fastened a collar around my neck, had a seat, and told me to lick her boots.  Once I was done, she had me remove them.  This was followed by lots of biting and scratching.

Sometimes my pain tolerance varies from one day to the next.  The things she was doing felt very intense, so I assumed I was just having an off night.  It’s happened before, so I thought nothing of it.  Later she told me that she felt extremely sadistic that night and was pushing me harder than usual, so it wasn’t just me.

T told me to sit in a chair, and she straddled my lap.  More biting and scratching, as well as some knife play. Doing knife play with her is unlike the knife play I’d experienced prior, which was admittedly limited.  T digs down with the knife, and I can never tell if she’s actually cutting me or just scratching deeply unless I watch.  She hasn’t really cut me.   Yet.  But she’s mentioned wanting to.  I’m glad I’m current on my tetanus booster.  (Yes, she’s experienced in this, and we use my knives, which aren’t used on anyone else.)

She can be vicious with her nails.  She was relentless in the pain she inflicted.  Her bites were brutal.  And she gave me no recovery time; after each bite or dig of the nails, she moved immediately to another.  This went on for what felt like ages.  She grabbed a handful of flesh on each side of my abdomen and sank her nails in.  I gasped and tried to process the pain.  I writhed, I spat out nonsensical syllables, I growled, I shook.  As I looked at her face, she dug in with twice the intensity, and her eyes, growing larger, were the eyes of a predator.  My whole body became tense and I threw my head back.  As she released her grip, I noticed that I could feel tears running down my face.  Our eyes met again, and when she saw that she’d pushed me to the point of tears, her face lit up.  She licked the tears away with a huge smile.  At that moment, I felt so incredibly submissive to her.  I felt broken, humbled.  Although she’s tiny, she became huge at that moment.

No one has ever pushed me to the point of tears in a scene.  (I’m not counting a prior scene that involved an impact implement wrapping and accidentally catching me in a really bad spot.)  I’d been pushed a couple times to the point of getting a bit watery-eyed, but never actual tears coming down my cheeks.

I’m still processing this.  No problems, just wrapping my head around this since I wasn’t expecting that to happen.  It’s amazing that she can push me to that point.  And terrifying.  Looking back on the moment, I find it really hot, although at the time, I wanted nothing more than for her to stop.

The d/s aspect of this is intriguing.  I now know she’s capable of and willing to bring me further than I want to go.  She takes what she wants.  That’s dominance.  This instills both fear and excitement in me.  I shudder when I think about her applying this level of intensity to other forms of play or other things we’ve been talking about trying.  There are so many other forms of play that can be pushed to this degree (and not just pain) that it makes me nervous to think about her pushing me this hard in these other areas.

Maybe it’s best not to think about that.

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A Natural Cocktease

Last night, I spent the night with T.  It was gobs of fun.  We went to a Christmas party with some friends, then off to someone else’s house for a movie, and finally back to T’s place.

It’s been about a month and a half since she last let me orgasm.  As we were laying in bed, she decided to get me all hornified by making all sorts of tasty, sexy sounds right in my ears while she was laying on top of me.  If I turned my head to get away, she’d either hold down forcefully on my head or dig a finger into a pressure point beneath the jaw, keeping me in place.  She followed that by lightly stroking the bits of skin that were exposed from the slots in the cock cage, and then a caged blowjob.  Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck That woman is a natural cocktease!  My balls were literally aching by the time she was done.  She teased me for at least an hour.  I wanted to beg her to let me orgasm, but I suck at begging and feel really self-conscious when I do it.  Still, I came very close to trying. When I get that worked up, I can’t help but claw at the cage in frustration.  Her laughter as she teased me added to the desperation exponentially.  The sound of her laughter as she torments me is one of the sexiest sounds I’ve ever heard.  I love knowing how much she gets out of making me suffer.

We went to sleep after that, but an hour or two later, I woke up and rolled over.  She was still asleep.  About five minutes later, her hand came down and brushed up against the cock cage, making my still-desperate cock twitch.  She started to run her hand up and down the cage, giving me a slow caged hand-job.  She kept this up for probably ten minutes.  And I know that she was asleep the whole time because her breathing is a little different when she’s asleep.  Even in her sleep, she still gives me blue balls.

Dominating the Mouth

There are lots of forms of play I’m into- pain, humiliation, bondage, etc., but one form always defied easy description.  For a while I was going with “erotically disgusting”, although the more I think about it, “dominating the mouth” is more apt.

We guard our mouths closely.  They’re important to us.  They’re valuable.  We watch what goes into them and what comes near them.  We flinch when someone makes a sudden move toward them.  What better target for dominance than something so valuable and guarded?

There’s a certain humiliation edge with some forms of mouthular dominance.  Being made to drink the domme’s piss (bleh) or lick her ass certainly qualifies.  Even letting spit fall into the sub’s mouth can have a bit of humiliation to it since spitting has derogatory connotations associated with it.  Having to kneel and suck the domme’s strap-on cock can have a humiliating edge to it as well.

Taste and smell are closely related, and other forms of mouthitudinal dominance focus more on these senses.  Having to kneel and lick the domme’s feet after she’s been working or wearing boots all day is one of the more erotic forms of dominating the mouth.  For me, it definitely creates that yes/no dichotomy so prevalent in bdsm, and it’s one of the biggest things that can drive me up a wall.  Taking the domme’s socks that she’s been wearing all day and using them as a gag has a similar effect.

Gags in general are a common way to dominate the mouth, whether it’s a store-bought gag or a pair of panties or socks.  Taking away the ability to speak can be powerful.  Moaning (or even screaming) into a gag drives home the helplessness the sub often feels when being pushed hard.

Cum play crosses a few of these lines; it’s both humiliating and not real pleasant to eat.  The taste and texture are just plain nasty to me.  This gives it more of a d/s edge when I’m made to do it, since it’s not really something I want to do at the moment.  T has been occasionally taunting me about how she intends to make me eat other guys’ cum while keeping me locked up.  And the way she’s phrasing it, there is no room for discussion here.  It will happen.  I’m already shaking inside.  It’s not something I really want to do, but it’s also not a limit (as long as the guys are clean) and I can see the potential for it being a hot experience.  And I’m pretty sure something like this would deepen the d/s between us.  Very intense dominance of the mouth here that also reaches into the rest of my being.

There are a couple forms of mouth play that I’m mildly curious about.  One is something I heard about at an event a few months ago.  A group of dommes tied the sub down.  They then chewed some food fairly thoroughly, spit it into his mouth, and made him eat it.  It sounds kind of nasty.  The other one I’m slightly curious about is armpit licking.  I have to wonder if it’d have a similar vibe to doing foot play, though honestly I doubt it.  Then there’s the problem of deodorant- it’s not made to be ingested, so it’d have to be skipped.

All these things can have a fairly high level of intimacy about them depending on how they’re done.  Personally I think it’s a beautiful way of playing and expanding the d/s.


I’ve been dating someone for a couple months now.  Let’s call her T.  We had the relationship conversation recently and decided that we are now in one.  This makes me really happy.  I very much enjoy all the time we spend together, no matter what we’re doing.


For Pee

There’s an upcoming event in January (Pittsburgh Play Partners Party, or 4p as it’s also known) that promises to be a fantastic time.  It’ll be held in a hotel, and there will be a play party, vendors, demos, and lots of pervitude.

In honor of the 4p event, I might end up setting up a piss play scene with four women while there.  4 pee?  Yes?  You may now pause to marvel at my extreme cleverness.

I’m still undecided on this though.  It could potentially be fun.  I haven’t floated the idea by very many people because I’m not sure if I want to do this or not.  Some days I’m pretty enthusiastic and entertained by the idea, and others I’m a bit more apathetic toward the idea.

A New Category

In talking with some friends, I mentioned how sometimes limits can change over the years.  Things that were limits can become doable, and things that were done previously can become limits.

We got to talking about specific examples, and I mentioned cum play.  I’d been made to eat my own cum plenty of times before, but never anyone else’s.  The latter was always a limit for me.  Eating my own is hard enough.  Bleh.

I have yet to meet a man I find attractive, and playing (especially intimately) with people I’m not attracted to is still a limit, so forced bi is out.  Certain things have been popping into my head periodically though in regard to cum play.  The one that jumps into my head the most is being made to lick the cum (from one guy or especially multiple guys) from the domme’s soles and toes.  The idea of doing it while locked up is even more intense.  The idea completely petrifies me.  But it also petrifies my cock.

It’d take a pretty strong amount of d/s between myself and the domme to make this happen; if this were to happen, I’d want nothing more at that moment than to get out, get away.  I also know I’d look back on it later and have some incredibly powerful orgasms thinking about it.  That yes/no dichotomy again. There’s also the humiliation factor, and the knowledge that I’d be licking up cum without even getting the pleasure of the orgasm that created it.

Obviously we’d have to be sure the guys are clean if we were to do this.  It’s sort of a mild back-burner curiosity for me, not an up-front I-really-need-to-do-this-right-now kind of thing, so it’s not something I’m pushing for. It is something different for me though, and that evolution is worth writing about.

But someone I’ve been seeing recently used the phrase “when we do this…”


And she’s been keeping my cock in a cage since not long after we first started seeing each other.  That one word, “when”, makes me incredibly nervous, almost terrified.  I know she’s not bluffing either.  Eep.

So in this conversation about limits, we realized I’m not interested in the guys in any way, just in their cum.  They’d be sperm donors.  This means that I’m not bi-curious; I’m byproduct-curious.