Last night, T and I spent some more time together. I picked her up from work and we went to dinner. (For dessert, we had deep-fried cheesecake, which rather confused my mouth.) Then it was kink time.
After having me strip, she ordered me to my knees. She fastened a collar around my neck, had a seat, and told me to lick her boots. Once I was done, she had me remove them. This was followed by lots of biting and scratching.
Sometimes my pain tolerance varies from one day to the next. The things she was doing felt very intense, so I assumed I was just having an off night. It’s happened before, so I thought nothing of it. Later she told me that she felt extremely sadistic that night and was pushing me harder than usual, so it wasn’t just me.
T told me to sit in a chair, and she straddled my lap. More biting and scratching, as well as some knife play. Doing knife play with her is unlike the knife play I’d experienced prior, which was admittedly limited. T digs down with the knife, and I can never tell if she’s actually cutting me or just scratching deeply unless I watch. She hasn’t really cut me. Yet. But she’s mentioned wanting to. I’m glad I’m current on my tetanus booster. (Yes, she’s experienced in this, and we use my knives, which aren’t used on anyone else.)
She can be vicious with her nails. She was relentless in the pain she inflicted. Her bites were brutal. And she gave me no recovery time; after each bite or dig of the nails, she moved immediately to another. This went on for what felt like ages. She grabbed a handful of flesh on each side of my abdomen and sank her nails in. I gasped and tried to process the pain. I writhed, I spat out nonsensical syllables, I growled, I shook. As I looked at her face, she dug in with twice the intensity, and her eyes, growing larger, were the eyes of a predator. My whole body became tense and I threw my head back. As she released her grip, I noticed that I could feel tears running down my face. Our eyes met again, and when she saw that she’d pushed me to the point of tears, her face lit up. She licked the tears away with a huge smile. At that moment, I felt so incredibly submissive to her. I felt broken, humbled. Although she’s tiny, she became huge at that moment.
No one has ever pushed me to the point of tears in a scene. (I’m not counting a prior scene that involved an impact implement wrapping and accidentally catching me in a really bad spot.) I’d been pushed a couple times to the point of getting a bit watery-eyed, but never actual tears coming down my cheeks.
I’m still processing this. No problems, just wrapping my head around this since I wasn’t expecting that to happen. It’s amazing that she can push me to that point. And terrifying. Looking back on the moment, I find it really hot, although at the time, I wanted nothing more than for her to stop.
The d/s aspect of this is intriguing. I now know she’s capable of and willing to bring me further than I want to go. She takes what she wants. That’s dominance. This instills both fear and excitement in me. I shudder when I think about her applying this level of intensity to other forms of play or other things we’ve been talking about trying. There are so many other forms of play that can be pushed to this degree (and not just pain) that it makes me nervous to think about her pushing me this hard in these other areas.
Maybe it’s best not to think about that.