A thread on Fetlife got my synapses moving. Someone had asked how “demanding” most dommes are. This opened up a whole slew of thoughts for me, though most of them had to ferment a bit first.
My first reaction is that “demanding” has such a negative connotation. It brings to mind the spoiled, whiny, princess type that I can’t stand. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who is demanding.
“Demanding” can also be uses synonymously with “challenging”. I do get something out of being pushed, in being made to take more than I think I can take, going further than I’m comfortable with simply because she enjoys it. Even if I desperately want whatever it is to stop, I do derive pleasure from knowing I’m making her happy.
But this doesn’t hold true in all areas of my life. Some things are off limits to d/s- family, career, finances, health, etc. I work on improving myself, so I don’t need a life coach. And I’d become severely irritated with being micromanaged.
While I don’t go for the icy robobitch type, passively sitting back and making one’s desires known is not dominance either. Communicating what you want does not make you a domme. This is a balancing act; I don’t feel a domme should have to force everything, but some force, some dominance, is necessary. There is plenty of room for subtle, quiet dominance. There is also room for taking what you want. Both styles have a place, and I prefer a blend of these. 24/7 is simply not feasible if the dominance is all the “taking what you want / using force” variety. That would grow tiring for both people. But the more genteel dominance would be boring if that’s all there was. It would feel like submission without dominance. Both of these styles of dominance are necessary in a relationship.
When it comes to being attentive and doing nice things, this is something that should be done for both and by both. A d/s relationship is still a relationship, and it doesn’t mean one person should give up on receiving romance and effort.