Short-Sighted Dominance

Why is it that so many people don’t seem to understand that there’s a difference between service and taking advantage of someone?  There are those who use submissives as unpaid laborers.  Then they wonder why they can’t manage to keep a sub for very long.  They must not really be submissive.  Of course, that’s it!

If you expect someone to submit to your will, you need to make sure their needs are being met as well.  The relationship can’t be one-sided.  If the domme is the only one who benefits, what reason is there for the sub to stay?  Most likely, he’ll move along and find someone who does care about a mutually fulfilling relationship.  There is a certain amount of responsibility involved with being dominant; sitting back and communicating one’s desires does not make someone dominant.  There’s a lot more to it than that.

It would be tempting for a dominant to think, “I don’t like doing this particular thing, so I’ll pawn it off on my sub and call it d/s.”  This is an unfortunately common occurrence in some relationships.  Being dominant does not preclude someone from dealing with their responsibilities or from doing things they don’t like.  Same goes for being submissive.  If you’re alive, you’re going to have to do things you don’t want to do.  If you’re in a relationship, you’re going to have to do things you don’t want to do.  Being in a d/s relationship does not give anybody a free pass to abdicate their responsibilities.

That’s not to say that submission is always easy.  Sometimes it does involve doing very difficult things or a dreaded, unpleasant task.  But if that effort goes unappreciated, or if the unpleasantness is a daily companion for the sub, that relationship will fall.  Submission doesn’t mean constantly doing things you don’t want to do.  Submission is ceding authority to another.  It’s very possible to do that without being taken advantage of or being someone’s grunt.

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Titles and Meaning

Some people place a lot of importance on titles in the bdsm community.  And why not?  Titles can carry a lot of power.  But too often, titles are abused, misused, or rendered weak through overuse.

There are people who use titles when introducing themselves to others, expecting other people to use that title when referring to them.  Let’s be clear on this, Your Highness Sir Master DragonLionWolf: Just because you bestow a title on yourself, that doesn’t obligate me to use it.

Titles are often a form of power exchange. When you use a title in referring to someone, you are acknowledging their role (or potential role) in relation to you.  I’m not going to call you Mistress unless we’re in a committed d/s relationship and you require that of me.  Once your collar is on me, then we’ll talk.  Until then, I’m referring to you by your name.  And I’m treating you as an equal.

When I use titles, I mean them.  Every time.  Titles carry a lot of significance with me, which is why I can’t just throw them around casually.  Using a title is an acknowledgment of a power exchange between us, and every time I use a title, I’m reaffirming that power exchange.  If I were to use titles with every dominant person I know, it would severely devalue those titles.  It would feel really watered down and weak.  The titles would lose their power.  When you give something to one person only, it carries much more meaning than when you give it to a group of people.

Giving Blood

I gave blood last night for a worthy cause-  T’s enjoyment.  She put me on my knees, then got out a knife.  We’d done knife play before, but never any cutting.  She had scratched me with the blade before, causing red or pink lines to form, though there was never any blood.  Last night, she went further.

As she dragged the blade across my flesh, I felt the same scratching sensation as before.  But at one point I looked down, and there was a small amount of blood filling some of the lines.  Not bleeding actively, just barely coming to the surface.

She carved “HxCL” into my chest and back, a reference to how I’m a “hardcore legend”, a running joke between some friends and I.  In addition, she also cut me in a few locations on the chest, abdomen, shoulders, and back.  The sensation wasn’t much different than the normal scratching she’d done previously, which I found surprising.  It added another dimension to the emotional aspect of knife play since now she had the option of actually cutting me.

When I look in the mirror, most of the cuts are still visible, but one stands out on my left shoulder and chest.  It’s bolder, stronger than the other cuts she made.  I’m still processing everything, but I get pleasant feelings when I see that.

A little while after carving the sub, we tried out a new toy I got.  I bought a white canvas straitjacket a couple weeks ago that I’d been itching to try.  The price surprised me- $40, and it’s machine washable.  Which is a good thing, considering we got it a little bloody during its first use.  It held up well.  Once she had me strapped in, T gagged me before proceeding to strap on a massive dildo, bend me over, and fuck me.

For 40 minutes.

Ack.  That was brutal.  I couldn’t even beg her to stop since I was gagged.  (We did have a safe-signal set up in case of emergency.)  At one point, I thought she was done, and I relaxed, letting out a long sigh of relief.  At that point, T put me on my back and kept going.  By then, all I could do was struggle against the straitjacket and whimper incomprehensibly into the gag.  I was pleading with my eyes for her to stop.  She towered over me, smiling and laughing at my torment, knowing I was unable to stop her.  That image is still cemented firmly in my head.  Her pleasure was clearly evident in her face, and her smile had a slight mocking quality to it.  Her power and my lack of control as she violated me were mind-boggling.  Such intense feelings.

After we were done, we got some of the toys cleaned up and cuddled for a while.  After lots of talking and cuddlification, when we were about to get to bed, she told me to get the bed warmed up and that she’d be right in.  Soon she was walking toward me, and she had a cup of water.  That was nice of her.  But she also had a wicked look in her eyes.  I wondered why since we’d been done playing for a while by then.  As she crawled onto the bed, I realized that it wasn’t water, and the “oh shit” alarm went off in my brain.  She handed me the cup and made me drink her piss.  Disgusting.  And with every grimace and shudder, her smile got bigger, and that reminded me why I was doing it.

Humiliation or Entertainment?

There was recent discussion over a femdom group having a series of games at a party.  The games involve the male subs doing things like genital tug-of-war, group masturbation, and other activities.  The opinions of those in the conversation were heavily polarized.

Personally, if I were at this party, I wouldn’t participate.  Debasing myself for the amusement of a bunch of random people isn’t my thing.  I need to feel a connection with those I play with.  I can understand the lighthearted, goofy nature of it, but it’s also something personal and intimate, not something I share with everybody.  I can see doing certain types of public humiliation, but this particular variety gives me nothing but negative feelings.

There’s a big difference between erotic humiliation and being “entertainment” for the evening.  Erotic humiliation can have a huge d/s edge to it; knowing that the one I submit to has the power to humiliate me and make my face red (at any time) is pretty powerful, and a reminder of our d/s positions.  On the other hand, jumping through a bunch of pointless hoops for the amusement of people I don’t even submit to strikes me as desperate and empty.

I realize that bdsm doesn’t have to be über-serious all the time and that there is plenty of room for goofiness and jokes.  But to throw myself out there and share this side of myself with everybody would cheapen it when I give the same in a relationship.