*Real* Dommes Don’t Make an Effort

There’s a discrepancy in bdsm that I can’t figure out.

When a submissive man does something nice for his dom, it’s seen as submission.  Same thing if it’s a submissive woman doing something for her dom- just a sub submitting.   Pretty straightforward so far.

When a dominant man does something nice for his sub, it’s seen as taking care of his property.  When a dominant woman does something nice for her sub… it’s heresy.  Her sub isn’t really being submissive then.  If she’s doing something and making any effort, it means he failed in his submission.

Why can’t dominant women do nice things for submissive men?  Why does it not get the same “taking care of my property” vibe that comes attached with the maledom crowd?  A dominant woman going out of her way to do something for her sub is often framed up as a reward, if anything; it doesn’t get that automatic “it’s a normal part of the relationship” connotation that typically comes with a dom male doing something for his sub.  In talking about a maledom relationship, you get the impression that it’s a relationship, with both people treating each other well.  There is still d/s, but there’s also a sense of mutual effort.  Yet in many of the femdom groups, it’s much more one-sided.  There’s this haughty sense of expectation and entitlement, but often without the sense of responsibility that comes with power.

Femdom relationships are relationships.  As such, they entail compromise and effort on both people’s parts.  You can’t buy a car and expect it to work for you if you don’t change the oil and tires and keep the gas tank full.  Nearly every relationship I know of (in person) works this way.  Why the discrepancy when the discussion moves online?  In real life, women can be chivalrous too; but online, you’ll be excommunicated if you dare speak the fact that a dominant woman can do sweet things for her sub.  Because, as everyone knows, a submissive man who desires bilateral romance is simply not a Real True Submissive™.  Instead, he’s branded as needy, selfish, and lazy.

With how many people run their mouths online in favor of one-sided romance, it would seem the bdsm world should be flooded with people who think this way.  In reality, it’s rare to run into people like that in the flesh.

Romance is food for relationships.  Don’t starve your partner by deciding that they don’t deserve it because of gender or d/s position.

Deities of Domliness

Welcome to another installment of “Things That Irritate the Fuck Out of Me”.  This week- dommes who call themselves “goddess”.

Are you immortal?  (If you’re not sure, I’ll gladly lend you any of my knives so you can find out.  Just let me clean my fingerprints off of them first.)  Do you have any magical powers?  No?  Then what makes you any better than the rest of humankind?  Is it your laughably inflated ego?  Hey, maybe your superpower is self-delusion.

Would anyone take male doms seriously if they referred to themselves as gods?  Or would people just laugh in their faces?

Being dominant does not make one a deity.  Just being yourself should be enough to make someone want to bow down to you.  Unless you’re a total piece of human garbage, in which case you may want to work on that.  You don’t need to construct some larger-than-life identity to reinforce your dominance.  If you want people to respect you, take the time to build that respect on a solid foundation; giving yourself a lofty title doesn’t guarantee respect.  Nor will it gain you anyone’s submission.  Those who submit bow to humans- people with scars, weaknesses, and faults.  And we love them passionately.



Control Freak ≠ Dominant

I’ve been following a discussion online which made me question some folks’ sanity.

A new domme was asking if other people thought it rude to message an owned sub.  She didn’t want other dommes messaging him at all, for any reason, without going through her first.  Though of course there was nothing stated on either of their profiles about this requirement.

My initial thought is that there appears to be a severe lack of trust in that relationship.  If she feels the need to monitor all of his communication, she doesn’t trust him. And how can you be in a relationship with someone you don’t trust?  Do his actions really require constant supervision?  Or is the domme worried that some other domme will message her sub and hypnotize him into leaving that relationship?  Does she demand he get permission before speaking to the cashier at the store?  Adults should not need micromanaged.  If he does require someone to make these decisions for him, that’s a problem.  And if she wants to micromanage, that says a lot about her as well.

A sub should be able to handle any requests for play, sex, or anything else that comes up.  By the same token, people in vanilla relationships should be able to effectively handle people hitting on them.  It’s going to happen, so if someone doesn’t know how to say no, it’s going to create problems.  Thinking of repercussions, acting in your partner’s best interest, and being responsible are all part of being an adult.  If you can’t do that, do you really deserve that relationship?

Then there’s the issue of expecting other people to adhere to your rules and protocol.  Many will simply pass if they see the “message my domme before communicating with me” thing.  Not only is it an extra hoop to jump through, it also reeks of psycho.  Reasonably, many people want to avoid that drama, so they just won’t message that person then.

Subs and slaves are not children.  We can make our own decisions.  If you don’t trust someone to handle his own life, how can you trust him with your heart?