Control Freak ≠ Dominant

I’ve been following a discussion online which made me question some folks’ sanity.

A new domme was asking if other people thought it rude to message an owned sub.  She didn’t want other dommes messaging him at all, for any reason, without going through her first.  Though of course there was nothing stated on either of their profiles about this requirement.

My initial thought is that there appears to be a severe lack of trust in that relationship.  If she feels the need to monitor all of his communication, she doesn’t trust him. And how can you be in a relationship with someone you don’t trust?  Do his actions really require constant supervision?  Or is the domme worried that some other domme will message her sub and hypnotize him into leaving that relationship?  Does she demand he get permission before speaking to the cashier at the store?  Adults should not need micromanaged.  If he does require someone to make these decisions for him, that’s a problem.  And if she wants to micromanage, that says a lot about her as well.

A sub should be able to handle any requests for play, sex, or anything else that comes up.  By the same token, people in vanilla relationships should be able to effectively handle people hitting on them.  It’s going to happen, so if someone doesn’t know how to say no, it’s going to create problems.  Thinking of repercussions, acting in your partner’s best interest, and being responsible are all part of being an adult.  If you can’t do that, do you really deserve that relationship?

Then there’s the issue of expecting other people to adhere to your rules and protocol.  Many will simply pass if they see the “message my domme before communicating with me” thing.  Not only is it an extra hoop to jump through, it also reeks of psycho.  Reasonably, many people want to avoid that drama, so they just won’t message that person then.

Subs and slaves are not children.  We can make our own decisions.  If you don’t trust someone to handle his own life, how can you trust him with your heart?

4 Responses to “Control Freak ≠ Dominant”

  1. Stabbity Says:

    “Then there’s the issue of expecting other people to adhere to your rules and protocol.” Yes! I didn’t agree to be part of your scene, so how about leaving me out. If you want to structure your relationship in a way that makes no sense to me, go nuts! But don’t whine and cry about how people who aren’t in a relationship with you aren’t following your rules. That makes as much sense as going to another country and complaining about the rules of etiquette being different.

    I can understand being irritated with people messaging your sub if and only if their profile clearly states that they want people to contact their mistress first, but couldn’t that level of control just as easily be achieved by telling your sub to show you the message when someone messages them? Of course, that wouldn’t let you look ‘domlier than thou’, which is terribly important 🙂

    And again, needing to look ‘domlier than thou’ comes down to insecurity too. It’s like there’s a theme here or something 🙂

  2. Ferns Says:

    But but… SHE WILL STEAL HIM!!!

    Geez, don’t you get it?!

    They’re everywhere, damn poachers! Ima gonna git my gun!!


  3. Quietlisten Says:

    Going off the rails with self-important protocol is just soooooo annoying and stupid when viewed from outside the relationship. One of the first times I went to a “lifestyle” event alone, I joined a group of half a dozen strangers at a table outside the dungeon. I took the initiative by going around the table introducing myself as the newbie, asking a little about each person and answering questions about myself. One woman wasn’t making eye contact with me — slight social alarm bells, but I took it as preoccupation — and when I extended my hand as I had with the others and said “we haven’t met yet,” the guy next to her responded: “no and you’re not going to.” Everyone at the table got really quiet and he positively bristled. He was very obviously pissed off at me for addressing his sub as a human being, and without asking him first. Silly me! Lesson #1 of many that “the lifestyle” has it’s share of children stuck in grown-up bodies, churning up drama as fast as humanly possible. Well, I’m just thankful that he didn’t suck his thumb right in front of us.

  4. pureliquidkink Says:

    @Stabbity- That’s exactly it; it’s just personal preference being forced on others. And you’re probably right, a large part of it probably is just for show.

    @Ferns- It is true that many of the uber-dommes have the magical power to steal subs simply by messaging them online. However, for 3 easy payments of $399.99, I can provide a talisman to ward off their evil attacks. And, um, no refunds.

    @Quietlisten- That guy was a twat, plain and simple. I don’t know if I would’ve been able to resist laughing in his face.

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