*Real* Dommes Don’t Make an Effort

There’s a discrepancy in bdsm that I can’t figure out.

When a submissive man does something nice for his dom, it’s seen as submission.  Same thing if it’s a submissive woman doing something for her dom- just a sub submitting.   Pretty straightforward so far.

When a dominant man does something nice for his sub, it’s seen as taking care of his property.  When a dominant woman does something nice for her sub… it’s heresy.  Her sub isn’t really being submissive then.  If she’s doing something and making any effort, it means he failed in his submission.

Why can’t dominant women do nice things for submissive men?  Why does it not get the same “taking care of my property” vibe that comes attached with the maledom crowd?  A dominant woman going out of her way to do something for her sub is often framed up as a reward, if anything; it doesn’t get that automatic “it’s a normal part of the relationship” connotation that typically comes with a dom male doing something for his sub.  In talking about a maledom relationship, you get the impression that it’s a relationship, with both people treating each other well.  There is still d/s, but there’s also a sense of mutual effort.  Yet in many of the femdom groups, it’s much more one-sided.  There’s this haughty sense of expectation and entitlement, but often without the sense of responsibility that comes with power.

Femdom relationships are relationships.  As such, they entail compromise and effort on both people’s parts.  You can’t buy a car and expect it to work for you if you don’t change the oil and tires and keep the gas tank full.  Nearly every relationship I know of (in person) works this way.  Why the discrepancy when the discussion moves online?  In real life, women can be chivalrous too; but online, you’ll be excommunicated if you dare speak the fact that a dominant woman can do sweet things for her sub.  Because, as everyone knows, a submissive man who desires bilateral romance is simply not a Real True Submissive™.  Instead, he’s branded as needy, selfish, and lazy.

With how many people run their mouths online in favor of one-sided romance, it would seem the bdsm world should be flooded with people who think this way.  In reality, it’s rare to run into people like that in the flesh.

Romance is food for relationships.  Don’t starve your partner by deciding that they don’t deserve it because of gender or d/s position.

3 Responses to “*Real* Dommes Don’t Make an Effort”

  1. Stabbity Says:

    “Because, as everyone knows, a submissive man who desires bilateral romance is simply not a Real True Submissive™”

    Of course! Everyone knows Real True Submissives™ don’t have any needs of their own, with that kind of handicap they can’t hope to prove they’re the most submissivest of them all and one day earn a real live dom of their very own.

    “Why can’t dominant women do nice things for submissive men? Why does it not get the same “taking care of my property” vibe that comes attached with the maledom crowd?”

    I wonder if female dom/male sub dynamics are just seen as more precarious than the more easily accepted male dom/female sub. That is, if a man being the dominant is the natural order of things, he has a little more leeway to be nice to his sub without appearing submissive himself. A dominant woman, on the other hand, is clearly unnatural and any kindness on her part is tantamount to climbing down off her rickety pedestal and buckling the collar around her own neck.

    Maybe we’re so scared of losing the dominant version of the kind of submissive olympics posturing that goes on online that we just don’t talk about the nice things we do for our partners.

    Or maybe I’m just making shit up and it’s something else entirely 🙂

  2. Amai Says:

    It’s this sort of stereotype that contributed to my not identifying as a dominant woman until very recently. The thought had occurred to me as far back as my early twenties, but I just didn’t see any alternative models to Ice! Queen! Femdom! – certainly none that resonated with me. I’m glad that seems to be changing even if, as you noted, it’s still pretty entrenched in places.

    I for one love making romantic gestures. I’m courting a boy right now, and (if all goes according to plan) I’m looking forward to the romantical stuff just as much as all the other stuff.

  3. Shadowlady Says:

    I can only speak for myself of course. I love my boy. I always take care of him the way I see best. Only that way he blossoms to be the submissive I want him to be and even exceeds it. The trust (as you describe) makes the relationship grow further and solidifies both the relationship and the kink element.

    If that means that in the eyes of some my relationship does not meet their criteria of a FLR/FemDom relationship then this their problem not mine.


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