K, Bi Now!

I’ve got a confession to make.  I’ve got a severe case of the hetero.

It’s amazing how many women in the local community, my Mistress included, want to watch me kiss or have some form of sex with another guy.  I’m not opposed to the idea as long as I’m attracted to him.  (Playing with or having sex with people I’m not attracted to is a limit for me.)  The problem is that I have yet to meet a guy I’m attracted to; this, I believe, is what they call “being heterosexual”.  For some, it’s a chronic condition.

Bisexuality used to be taboo for men in the local bdsm scene.  It was ok for women to be bi, but men instantly lost social status if they admitted to being bi.  So the men who were bisexual usually kept this information under very tight wraps.  Thankfully a lot has changed since then.  We’ve got quite a few openly bi men in our groups now, and their orientation doesn’t cause any problems.

While I do get turned on by strap-on sex, that’s still with a woman.  It’s not about the cock itself, it’s about the person on the other end of that cock.  And in my case, the person on the other end of the cock is always a woman.  The thought of sex with a man simply does nothing for me.

An ex once told me that she thinks I’ll be full-on bisexual at some point, that it was just a matter of time.  Maybe, maybe not.  People tend to evolve over time.  Some of the things that used to be limits for me are now things that get me hot.  Other former hard limits are now things that I’d be willing to do, provided there was enough persuasion or force.  Limits and interests can change over the years.  It’s hard to say how things will be 5 or 10 years from now.

Someone we know does erotic hypnosis.  T came up with the idea of having him hypnotize me to become bisexual.   The other day I asked him, “Does hypnosis work on people who don’t believe in hypnosis?” and he said yes.  I’m open to trying it, though honestly I doubt its efficacy.  While I’m happy with my sexuality and who I am, I see no harm in potentially adding some more options to the table.

Dominating Former Presidents

Want to start an argument?  Just say the phrase “financial domination”.  Done.

There are fewer contentious topics in bdsm.  However this is yet another area where I see a disconnect between the people I know in the local bdsm community and the people online.  In reality, very few people practice any form of financial domination.  Online, it’s rampant.

I’m not talking about being in a relationship and spending money on your partner.  That’s a totally different situation.

I was recently reminded of just how polarized people are on this issue because of a conversation online.  The fact is that most people in the flesh-and-blood bdsm community do not see this as a legitimate fetish/kink/interest.  Based on the numbers you see online, munches should be bursting with practitioners of financial domination.  Yet they’re not.  Just the opposite really.

The resistance against accepting this as a fetish partially stems from there being so many “findommes” who simply take advantage of subs.  Yes, the money is given willingly.  But the money was often given by someone who hasn’t had much luck in finding a relationship with a dominant woman, and they often think that they’re winning her over.  Many of these women string the men along, making them think there is potential for something more……someday.  One guy used the phrase “unlocking her heart”.  Once the money runs out, you’ll see just how unlocked her heart is.  You can’t buy your way into someone’s heart.  Especially if it’s someone you’ve never met who lives across the ocean.  Will she still be there for you when it’s just the two of you?  When no money changes hands?

Does any good ever come of financial domination?  Are there any success stories?  It’s common to hear about people draining their bank accounts, going through inheritances, or selling some of their possessions in order to send money or “gifts” to someone.  And do you think the woman they sent all this money to is going to stick around when it’s over?

Another aspect of my resistance to this comes from the uncertainty of retirement.  Most people currently working won’t be able to rely on Social Security and most likely won’t be able to retire at all – ever –  unless we have some form of savings and investments.  For any type of behavior, it’s generally considered a mental illness if that behavior interferes in a major way with your life.  Losing your retirement account definitely interferes with your life.  Because of this, I feel that most practitioners of financial dominance (at least among those I’ve talked with) aren’t doing this in a remotely healthy way.

25 Things About My Sexuality

T did one of these a little while back, and she asked if I’d do one as well.  These may not all seem directly sex-related, but for me every one of them is related to my sexuality in some way.The idea for this was taken from the blog 25 Things About My Sexuality.

1. I identify (and present) as male, and I don’t consider myself androgynous at all.  But I also don’t feel obligated to follow the socially proscribed behaviors that come attached to one’s sex.  I see no reason for the apelike chest-beating guys often engage in.  I don’t subscribe to the “real men should always do this or that, and never do x or y” crap.  Masculinity itself has become a caricature. We’re expected to aspire to these played-out clichés and try to show that we’re the most alpha-take-charge-manly-man guy in the room.  We’re supposed to be the crotch-scratching, money-throwing, willing-to-do-anything-for-sex, drunken, sports-team-cheering types who aren’t able to have conversations about how we feel and what we need. Personally, I refuse to be that. It’s not who I am.  For me, masculinity has two faces. There’s the sexy, comfortable side, and there’s the prefabricated stereotypical sludge that others push on us. Game-playing and one-upmanship are not masculinity.

2. To me, bdsm play is sexual in nature, even if the actions themselves aren’t.  (D/s may or may not be sexual, depending on the situation.)  The play doesn’t have to directly involve sex of any kind, but there’s an underlying vibe of sexuality during a scene.  It’s sexy and usually turns on those who are doing the playing.

3. When it comes to sexual partners, I prefer quality over quantity.

4. I am a heterosexual cisgendered man.  I refuse to let anyone make me feel guilty about that.

5. I’m not one of those people who always knew they had an interest in bdsm.  I developed that interest when I was in my early 20s.  I do have a foot fetish though, which I recognized fairly early on.  I can remember checking out some of my classmates’ feet as early as 5th grade.  When I say “fetish” I don’t mean the obsessive “I need this in order to get off” type fetish.  Rather, I see a fetish as simply one interest I have.

6. I was kicked in the balls once in high school.  It made me lightheaded, and I didn’t enjoy any aspect of it.  Now, I find ball-kicking incredibly sexiful.  Cringe-inducing and intense, but sexiful.  I highly doubt the fact that it turns me on is related to the high school incident though.  Just goes to show that fetishes can evolve over time.  For the longest time, the thought of ball-kicking was off-putting to me; now, it’s something that gets me hot.

7. Exclusivity is valuable to me, whether it’s emotional exclusivity or sexual exclusivity.  Giving something to your partner, something you’re not giving to anyone else, speaks volumes about your feelings for that person.  It’s a way of *showing* them that they’re special.  It means a lot more than something store-bought.  If anything, I place more value on emotional exclusivity than sexual exclusivity.

8. Because I value exclusivity, I’ve occasionally felt like a pariah in the bdsm community.  “Bi-poly-switch-swinger” sometimes seems to be the standard.  But I realize that these folks are simply more vocal, and in talking with lots of people, I’ve found there are a very large number who feel the same way I do.

9. Many things in bdsm carry a dual nature for me.  A certain form of play might make my brain scream “yes” and “no” at the same time.  I genuinely want it to stop when it’s happening, but later on I might look back on it and think, “wow, that was really hot!” as well as, “wow, that really sucked!”  This is true for lots of activities/fetishes, and play that has this two-pronged contradictory quality is the play I get off on the most.

10. “Dominating the mouth” is powerful.  The mouth is one of the most guarded, almost sacred parts of the body.  We protect our mouths carefully.  Being made to take something into it has a strong effect on me.  Foot/armpit worship, spit, cum, sock gags, piss, strap-on fellatio… they all hit me hard.  This kind of play is horrible, dirty, and sexy.

11. I’ve never orgasmed from oral.  It feels fantastic, but it’s not enough to get me off.

12. Enforced chastity doesn’t mean we don’t have sex.  My Mistress keeps the key around her neck, so we can have sex whenever she likes.  She just makes sure I don’t orgasm when we do.  Chastity doesn’t suppress the sex drive; rather, it enhances it to an almost intolerable level.

13. I didn’t lose my virginity until after high school.  There were opportunities for casual sex, but I passed on those.  And I was too preoccupied with partying to pursue a meaningful relationship at the time.

14. Blood play turns me on.  Obviously in non-vital amounts.  So primal and feral.  Having blood forcibly removed from my body while I can only struggle and watch is a powerful experience.

15. For that matter, force in general is one of the hottest things ever.  Adding force, bondage, or helplessness of some form increases the sexitude of just about anything.

16. I’m a firm believer that there need to be more birth control options for men.  Our reproductive systems are simpler than women’s, so I don’t understand why nothing has been developed yet.  Men would be able to take more responsibility for birth control, plus it would give us control over our own reproductive rights.  Currently our only non-surgical option is to slap a balloon on it.  And this balloon desensitizes quite a bit, while having a less-than-stellar failure rate compared to other methods of birth control.

17. I currently consider myself hetero, but would be open to playing and/or sex with another man if I ever found one I was attracted to.  I have yet to meet one.  I can generally tell when a guy would be considered attractive by others, even if I’m not attracted to him myself.

18. The internet almost scared me away from getting involved in the local bdsm community.  I saw so much about protocol, ritual, and structure, that it put me off of the idea of going to any local events.  From those I talked with online, it seemed like the majority of bdsmers were deeply into these things, and that’s definitely not my style of submission.  But once I got involved locally, I realized that the majority of people aren’t heavily into these.

19. Being pushed hard is a fetish for me.  Being made to take more than I think I can take is an all-encompassing experience.  “Intense” doesn’t even begin to describe it.  Even in spite of the strong “no” I feel at the time, there’s a sense of catharsis afterward.  And in a relationship, being pushed that hard can strengthen the d/s between us.  It adds to the extent of her power over me; she’s still doing what she wants to do even if I’m screaming “no” into the gag and thrashing against the bonds with everything I’ve got.

20. After typing that last bit, I’m now rather turned on.

21. It’s extremely rare for me to be able to get off when using a condom.  My PA desensitized my cock head a little, so it’s difficult to feel enough to orgasm when wearing a condom.  In spite of that, the intimacy is still really important to me.

22. I’m curious about slave branding.  For me, a stable, long-term relationship is prerequisite.  And we’d have to get rid of my ability to safeword if we were to do this.  Scary.  Intimidating.  Sexy.

23. I’m extremely visual.  This is a big part of why blindfolds don’t do much for me.  It’s also one reason I really enjoy woman-on-top sexual positions; the point of view is incredible.  (Plus there’s the control aspect, but that’s another topic.)

24. I am multi-orgasmic.  This is a learned ability, not an inherent one.  The trick is in learning to separate orgasm from ejaculation.  The “drop” most men feel after orgasm comes from hormones released after cumming.  Once you learn to orgasm without cumming, you’re golden.  When I masturbate to orgasm, I typically don’t cum unless I’m told to.

25. For a while, I considered myself “byproduct-curious”.  I had a mild curiosity about my Mistress making me eat other mens’ cum from her pussy, soles, or asshole when we first started seeing each other.  We also talked about her snowballing other men’s cum with me, or gagging me with her cum-drenched panties or socks.  The other men involved would essentially be sperm donors who left after getting off.  But after she started making me eat my own cum, I remembered how much I dislike eating cum.  Hot in my head, eew in reality.  So I started having second thoughts.  And this only made her want to do it even more.  99% of the time, I’m firmly on the “no” side, though when I’m on the edge of orgasm, it sounds like a hot idea.  She taunts me occasionally that this will become a frequent, regular part of our play.  That thought kind of makes me nervous, mainly because I know it’s not an idle threat.

Mentors and Massive Marine Mammals

In our local scene, there is talk of starting up a mentoring program to help people (who are interested in participating in the program) navigate the bdsm world.  The idea of helping new people is close to my heart since I had a difficult time getting into the community.  I run a monthly gateway meeting for new folks where I (along with a rotating co-host) give information on local groups and events, as well as answering any questions they may have.  Lots of people who started at these meetings have expressed gratitude.  But individual mentoring is more personal and time-consuming.

I wouldn’t mind volunteering as a mentor in this program if it comes to pass.  To clarify, this would not involve play or sex, but simply conversation.  Most likely I’d be a decent mentor for someone who is submissive.  Quite a few dominant women have asked me for advice though, and I’ve also helped dominants and switches of various genders who were trying to find their way in bdsm.  So I don’t believe that mentoring necessarily has to be sub-to-sub or dom-to-dom.  But it’s probably better to match the mentor with a mentee who is of the same d/s position since there’s less opportunity for abuse of power.

And for the record, every time I type “mentee”, I think of manatees, and it makes me chuckle.  Sea cows.  Yeah.

One guy in the local community came to me early on.  He was new and submissive.  He was reading a lot online, and he kept coming across all the crap that says, “real subs do this and that, and if you want do be a good slave you have to do x and y.”  None of the propaganda struck him as legitimate, and he was confused.  So he asked me if he could ask a few questions about femdom.  We talked.  I answered his questions and pointed him toward some resources online.  I answered his questions and made sure he knew that my experience was only my preferred flavor of femdom.  I recommended getting information from multiple sources.  Month after month, we had a lot of conversations which slowly helped him remove his training wheels.  He told me that he considered me a mentor.  While that felt wonderful to hear that he valued my opinion so highly, it also made me cringe a little; the mentorship programs I’d seen before typically were very rigid and resulted in either brainwashing or the mentee thinking they weren’t really cut out for bdsm.  These programs often carried an implication of  “if you don’t do things this way, you’re not really submissive.”

Mentor, role-model, friend… whatever you want to call it, he’s now off and running on his own.  We’re good friends, and he still occasionally comes to me for advice.  It feels good to help.

Stabbity wrote in a recent post that all these actions attributed to mentors are things that friends should do for each other.  I agree wholeheartedly.  Everything should be done with the goal of helping the mentee find their own way of doing things.  This takes time.  Still, some friends might get annoyed if one friend kept coming to them over and over again with questions and concerns that required detailed answers.  And maybe even *gasp* some thinking and effort on the part of the person being asked.  So it seems to me that a mentor is someone who consents to giving that bit of extra effort, to having long conversations about the minutiae of what we do.

Everyone has their own learning style.  Some learn better is a highly structured environment, while others thrive in a more free-form situation.  In learning about oneself, learning style is still important to take into consideration.  Those who prefer structure may be better off with a highly-involved mentor or three.  Someone who doesn’t do well with structure might just need a few people now and then to bounce an occasional idea off of.  Mentoring can be successful as long as everyone involved keeps their wits about them and doesn’t try to take advantage of the mentees.