1. I identify (and present) as male, and I don’t consider myself androgynous at all. But I also don’t feel obligated to follow the socially proscribed behaviors that come attached to one’s sex. I see no reason for the apelike chest-beating guys often engage in. I don’t subscribe to the “real men should always do this or that, and never do x or y” crap. Masculinity itself has become a caricature. We’re expected to aspire to these played-out clichés and try to show that we’re the most alpha-take-charge-manly-man guy in the room. We’re supposed to be the crotch-scratching, money-throwing, willing-to-do-anything-for-sex, drunken, sports-team-cheering types who aren’t able to have conversations about how we feel and what we need. Personally, I refuse to be that. It’s not who I am. For me, masculinity has two faces. There’s the sexy, comfortable side, and there’s the prefabricated stereotypical sludge that others push on us. Game-playing and one-upmanship are not masculinity.
2. To me, bdsm play is sexual in nature, even if the actions themselves aren’t. (D/s may or may not be sexual, depending on the situation.) The play doesn’t have to directly involve sex of any kind, but there’s an underlying vibe of sexuality during a scene. It’s sexy and usually turns on those who are doing the playing.
3. When it comes to sexual partners, I prefer quality over quantity.
4. I am a heterosexual cisgendered man. I refuse to let anyone make me feel guilty about that.
5. I’m not one of those people who always knew they had an interest in bdsm. I developed that interest when I was in my early 20s. I do have a foot fetish though, which I recognized fairly early on. I can remember checking out some of my classmates’ feet as early as 5th grade. When I say “fetish” I don’t mean the obsessive “I need this in order to get off” type fetish. Rather, I see a fetish as simply one interest I have.
6. I was kicked in the balls once in high school. It made me lightheaded, and I didn’t enjoy any aspect of it. Now, I find ball-kicking incredibly sexiful. Cringe-inducing and intense, but sexiful. I highly doubt the fact that it turns me on is related to the high school incident though. Just goes to show that fetishes can evolve over time. For the longest time, the thought of ball-kicking was off-putting to me; now, it’s something that gets me hot.
7. Exclusivity is valuable to me, whether it’s emotional exclusivity or sexual exclusivity. Giving something to your partner, something you’re not giving to anyone else, speaks volumes about your feelings for that person. It’s a way of *showing* them that they’re special. It means a lot more than something store-bought. If anything, I place more value on emotional exclusivity than sexual exclusivity.
8. Because I value exclusivity, I’ve occasionally felt like a pariah in the bdsm community. “Bi-poly-switch-swinger” sometimes seems to be the standard. But I realize that these folks are simply more vocal, and in talking with lots of people, I’ve found there are a very large number who feel the same way I do.
9. Many things in bdsm carry a dual nature for me. A certain form of play might make my brain scream “yes” and “no” at the same time. I genuinely want it to stop when it’s happening, but later on I might look back on it and think, “wow, that was really hot!” as well as, “wow, that really sucked!” This is true for lots of activities/fetishes, and play that has this two-pronged contradictory quality is the play I get off on the most.
10. “Dominating the mouth” is powerful. The mouth is one of the most guarded, almost sacred parts of the body. We protect our mouths carefully. Being made to take something into it has a strong effect on me. Foot/armpit worship, spit, cum, sock gags, piss, strap-on fellatio… they all hit me hard. This kind of play is horrible, dirty, and sexy.
11. I’ve never orgasmed from oral. It feels fantastic, but it’s not enough to get me off.
12. Enforced chastity doesn’t mean we don’t have sex. My Mistress keeps the key around her neck, so we can have sex whenever she likes. She just makes sure I don’t orgasm when we do. Chastity doesn’t suppress the sex drive; rather, it enhances it to an almost intolerable level.
13. I didn’t lose my virginity until after high school. There were opportunities for casual sex, but I passed on those. And I was too preoccupied with partying to pursue a meaningful relationship at the time.
14. Blood play turns me on. Obviously in non-vital amounts. So primal and feral. Having blood forcibly removed from my body while I can only struggle and watch is a powerful experience.
15. For that matter, force in general is one of the hottest things ever. Adding force, bondage, or helplessness of some form increases the sexitude of just about anything.
16. I’m a firm believer that there need to be more birth control options for men. Our reproductive systems are simpler than women’s, so I don’t understand why nothing has been developed yet. Men would be able to take more responsibility for birth control, plus it would give us control over our own reproductive rights. Currently our only non-surgical option is to slap a balloon on it. And this balloon desensitizes quite a bit, while having a less-than-stellar failure rate compared to other methods of birth control.
17. I currently consider myself hetero, but would be open to playing and/or sex with another man if I ever found one I was attracted to. I have yet to meet one. I can generally tell when a guy would be considered attractive by others, even if I’m not attracted to him myself.
18. The internet almost scared me away from getting involved in the local bdsm community. I saw so much about protocol, ritual, and structure, that it put me off of the idea of going to any local events. From those I talked with online, it seemed like the majority of bdsmers were deeply into these things, and that’s definitely not my style of submission. But once I got involved locally, I realized that the majority of people aren’t heavily into these.
19. Being pushed hard is a fetish for me. Being made to take more than I think I can take is an all-encompassing experience. “Intense” doesn’t even begin to describe it. Even in spite of the strong “no” I feel at the time, there’s a sense of catharsis afterward. And in a relationship, being pushed that hard can strengthen the d/s between us. It adds to the extent of her power over me; she’s still doing what she wants to do even if I’m screaming “no” into the gag and thrashing against the bonds with everything I’ve got.
20. After typing that last bit, I’m now rather turned on.
21. It’s extremely rare for me to be able to get off when using a condom. My PA desensitized my cock head a little, so it’s difficult to feel enough to orgasm when wearing a condom. In spite of that, the intimacy is still really important to me.
22. I’m curious about slave branding. For me, a stable, long-term relationship is prerequisite. And we’d have to get rid of my ability to safeword if we were to do this. Scary. Intimidating. Sexy.
23. I’m extremely visual. This is a big part of why blindfolds don’t do much for me. It’s also one reason I really enjoy woman-on-top sexual positions; the point of view is incredible. (Plus there’s the control aspect, but that’s another topic.)
24. I am multi-orgasmic. This is a learned ability, not an inherent one. The trick is in learning to separate orgasm from ejaculation. The “drop” most men feel after orgasm comes from hormones released after cumming. Once you learn to orgasm without cumming, you’re golden. When I masturbate to orgasm, I typically don’t cum unless I’m told to.
25. For a while, I considered myself “byproduct-curious”. I had a mild curiosity about my Mistress making me eat other mens’ cum from her pussy, soles, or asshole when we first started seeing each other. We also talked about her snowballing other men’s cum with me, or gagging me with her cum-drenched panties or socks. The other men involved would essentially be sperm donors who left after getting off. But after she started making me eat my own cum, I remembered how much I dislike eating cum. Hot in my head, eew in reality. So I started having second thoughts. And this only made her want to do it even more. 99% of the time, I’m firmly on the “no” side, though when I’m on the edge of orgasm, it sounds like a hot idea. She taunts me occasionally that this will become a frequent, regular part of our play. That thought kind of makes me nervous, mainly because I know it’s not an idle threat.