I’ve been involved in the local bdsm community for seven years now. When I think of the nervous guy who showed up at that first munch, it hardly seems like me. The super-skinny guy with bad hair and horrible shyness has been updated.
The shyness. Blah. I was shy my whole life, and it took a few years for that to change once I got involved with the bdsm crowd. I’m still on the quiet side, but no longer shy; I may not speak every single thought that enters my head, but I’m no longer nervous about talking to anyone. Even public speaking in front of crowds, which used to terrify me, is now a matter of routine. I went from staying in my shell to running groups and helping others out of their shells.
And now I have an image in my head of a bunch of naked turtles running around. It’s a rather entertaining picture. Welcome to my head.
I can play in public, displaying my vulnerability (as well as my naked body) for all to see. While I still greatly prefer the intimacy of private play, public play is also something I do on a semi-regular basis.
And the play… lots of progress there as well. Every form of play has seen some growth in intensity. Impact has gotten more intense (and occasionally bloody.) The different forms of oral domination have gotten more diverse and more intense. Chastity gradually keeps getting longer and more frustrating. Knife play has gone from scratching (white-lining) to actual cutting. I could barely take much cbt at first; but now, ball-kicking (something I never thought I could go for) is by far my favorite form of cbt.
Humiliation. It used to be a limit. Slowly, very slowly, that wall came down. The intensity of the humiliation is now much more than I ever thought possible. The public aspect of humiliation is something else I never thought I’d delve into. Ever.
D/s has been brought to a new level too. Initially, the line between d/s and the rest of life was very clear, and it ended at the edge of the bed. No longer. It went from being small and confined, to being a gentle background hum, and now it’s something more present, something I’m nearly always aware of.
I can’t take credit alone for the progress I’ve made. T likes to push me in a lot of different areas, and she is responsible for part of that growth. Things can get very intense with her. My ex also helped ease me along in some areas, and a handful of casual play partners have stretched those edges a little too.
When I look back at where I was and compare it to now, I’m much happier here. This all-around level of intensity fits well. It also leaves room for growth. And for scary things. There’s still plenty of room to push boundaries and explore new avenues. I have to wonder where all this will stand in another seven years. What will I be into then that terrifies me today? Will limits be destroyed? Will I be pushed further than I currently fathom? I can say with confidence that the answer is a firm “maybe”.