The Cream and the Crop

I’m finally solidifying my thoughts on T making me eat another man’s cum a couple weeks ago.  It took a while for the thoughts and feelings to ferment since it’s something so new to me and something I never thought I’d do.  My feelings on this have been whirling around, randomly scattered throughout my cerebrum, so it took some time to yank them down and line them up.

One thing I’ve realized is that I’m not quite as concerned with anonymity as I was before.  She had me stay in the bathroom with ear plugs so I wouldn’t know who the other man was.  After that scene, I’m not too worried about keeping the other men anonymous now.  I’m not real sure why that is though.  I’ll have to chew on that thought a bit more.  Maybe I was just worried I wouldn’t be able to clean up the cum if I saw where it came from; not being attracted to men, I thought that might be off-putting.

As we were cuddling after that scene was over, T mentioned a conversation she’d had with another domme previously.  In regard to eating other mens’ cum, this other woman said, “That’s how you know a slave is really serious about serving, if he’s willing to do that.”  That statement stuck with me.  It makes me realize that T values the fact that I’m willing to do this even though it pushes me hard.  Having your actions appreciated feels really good.

I’m trying to wrap my head around this being a regular part of our play now.  Part of me is still screaming “I DON’T WANNA I DON’T WANNA I DON’T WANNA!!!!” but another part of me knows that only makes her want to do it even more.  When I asked her what she enjoyed about this scene, the first thing she mentioned was “that you didn’t like it.”  Gulp.  One on hand, I like the fact that she gets off on pushing me so hard, and that she gets so much out of doing things to me that I don’t always like.  It’s powerful.  It adds a lot to the d/s between us.  But at the same time, when she pushes me hard, I want it to stop.  I just want to bury my head like an ostrich and hope that she doesn’t see me.

For a while I even considered pretending to be super-enthusiastic about being made to eat other mens’ cum, acting as if the yes/no dichotomy didn’t exist for this type of play.  But I know she wouldn’t fall for that.  Besides, I think I’d have a hard time pulling that off; I’m not a good liar.  I’m slowly coming to the realization that I may just eventually need to accept this as part of our dynamic.  But… I DON’T WANNA!!!!

There is still the unknown hanging over my head as well.  She’s floated various ideas for this type of play- creampies, snowballing after going down on someone else, making me lick cum from her armpit or off her shoe, gagging me with her socks or panties after someone cums on them, etc.  At one point she even mentioned wanting to have a gangbang and make me clean up all the other mens’ cum one by one as they shoot their loads.  That last one especially makes me want to back away slowly; it’s like the human equivalent of the pimp cup idea*shudder*  It’s an incredibly intimidating concept.  

She makes me worry.  Quite a lot sometimes.  But in the end, I love that she pushes me hard.  Even if I just want to run away as it’s happening.

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