My body is strange.
We played at a party last night, and I noticed that my reactions were in line with a pattern I’ve been seeing for a while. I can’t seem to take as much pain when we play publicly. Whatever it may be- impact, biting, scratching, cbt, or anything else- I just can’t take as much as I can in private. This is even true for things that aren’t painful, like strap-on sex.
It’s not a body issue; I’m comfortable with my body. And I’m comfortable being naked in front of others, especially friends. I’m in decent shape, and I’m ok with what I see in the mirror, so I know that’s not it.
I also typically don’t get hard during public play either. For example, ball-kicking will usually get me standing at attention when done in private; but in public, even that won’t do it.
Lack of adequate rest the night before can impact this, as well as normal hormonal fluctuations. But even when these factors aren’t causing any problems, the public aspect can still cause me to lose a bit of masochism somehow. It’s incredibly frustrating. I enjoy playing, whether public or private. I’m not an exhibitionist, but I’m also not weirded out by being on display. I’ve been playing publicly for about five years now, and I’m not sure how to get around this problem. My masochism doesn’t drop by a huge amount, but it’s definitely noticeable. I’d say it’s about a 25% drop in what I can take. And when you play hard, that 25% can be a lot. I get frustrated with myself sometimes. I want to take more.