Alright, Body, I Demand a Refund.

My body is strange.

We played at a party last night, and I noticed that my reactions were in line with a pattern I’ve been seeing for a while.  I can’t seem to take as much pain when we play publicly.  Whatever it may be- impact, biting, scratching, cbt, or anything else- I just can’t take as much as I can in private.  This is even true for things that aren’t painful, like strap-on sex.

It’s not a body issue; I’m comfortable with my body.  And I’m comfortable being naked in front of others, especially friends.  I’m in decent shape, and I’m ok with what I see in the mirror, so I know that’s not it.

I also typically don’t get hard during public play either.  For example, ball-kicking will usually get me standing at attention when done in private; but in public, even that won’t do it.

Lack of adequate rest the night before can impact this, as well as normal hormonal fluctuations.  But even when these factors aren’t causing any problems, the public aspect can still cause me to lose a bit of masochism somehow.  It’s incredibly frustrating.  I enjoy playing, whether public or private.  I’m not an exhibitionist, but I’m also not weirded out by being on display.  I’ve been playing publicly for about five years now, and I’m not sure how to get around this problem.  My masochism doesn’t drop by a huge amount, but it’s definitely noticeable.  I’d say it’s about a 25% drop in what I can take.  And when you play hard, that 25% can be a lot.  I get frustrated with myself sometimes.  I want to take more.

Grrrrrr.

I Don’t Understand Me

My head is a confusing place.  I’ve been trying to figure out a contradiction in my head for a while now involving two types of play.

Foot worship is one of my absolute favorite forms of play.  I could do it every day and not tire of it.  And it gets me ten times hotter when she’s been wearing boots for a long time or working all day.  The longer the better.  It triggers that “yes/no” reaction where it really turns me on yet I want it to stop.  Incredibly sexy.  So sweat, yes; dirt, no.  Foot worship after walking around barefoot has always been very off-putting to me, and it strikes me as completely unerotic.

At the same time, I’ve been having fantasies lately of being out somewhere and T spitting on the pavement or floor, stepping in it, and grinding her shoe/boot into the spit…… then making me kneel and lick all the spit off the sole of her shoe.  (This would probably be more successful in a parking lot or somewhere where there aren’t likely to be a lot of random passerby.)  This is just as nasty and dirty as the dirty-foot thing, so I can’t understand why I find this scenario so hot while at the same time being turned off by dirty foot worship.  How can one get me hot while I find the other sort of anti-sexy?

BDSM is My Extreme Sport

Recently I’ve been thinking about trying some things just to experience them.  I’ll be doing fire-walking with a group of friends next month.  It should be intense and fun.  On the more extreme end, I’ve been contemplating doing a hook suspension at some point.  Not in a bdsm sense though; I wouldn’t find that erotic at all.  More just to experience it and feel that rush that most people feel during this.  Some even consider it a spiritual experience.  That could be worth a try.  I’ve read accounts of those who’ve tried it.  “Intense” doesn’t even start to cover it.

This got me thinking.  Some people regularly do extreme sports.  They bungee jump, ski on nearly vertical slopes covered in jagged boulders, climb sheer cliffs, skydive, or any number of other things that would make most people question their sanity.  They get a high from it as well as a sense of accomplishment and camaraderie.  The same could be said of bdsm.  When we play hard, we can get some odd looks.  Some of the activities in bdsm that I get off on the most are the ones where she’s pushing me the hardest or taking me to a level I never thought I could (or would) go.  I sometimes get a form of high from it; I can get into some degree of floaty headspace during or after some scenes.  Then there’s the “Wow, I can’ t believe we just did that” factor.  And the camaraderie among bdsm practitioners can be strong.  This all runs parallel to extreme sports.

Fortunately with bdsm, just like extreme sports, practice makes perfect.  And this is some very sexy practice.