Stop the Skeezy!

Countless submissive men have asked, both online and in person, how to find a domme who is actually interested in bdsm rather than in their cash.  While there are a lot of pro-dommes out there, if they’re all you’re attracting, it’s time to look at your presentation and approach. Women who enjoy bdsm in real life are out there.  If you’re consistently failing at interacting with them, it’s time to realize this: It’s not them.  It’s you.

First off, take a shower.  Shave.  Put on some clean clothes without holes in them.  Dress like an adult.  That ball cap makes you look like you’re still in high school.

About that cock picture on your profile.  And the other cock picture on your profile.  And the one next to that.  Not the best idea, especially considering you don’t have any other pictures of yourself posted.  If you present this penis as the totality of who you are, people will naturally think you’re a dick.

Likewise, how about writing something in your profile?  “I want to be tied down and gang-raped by women with strap-ons and made to guzzle cum” doesn’t count.  Write about who you are, what you like, and what shapes you as a person.  Do not mention the size of your penis, even if it is exceptionally large.  Don’t forget to use that newfangled spell-check contraption.  It’s automatic in most internet browsers.  Alternately, once upon a time there were these mythical tomes called “dictionaries” in which you could look up the correct spelling of words.  You can even use books and the internet to research the difference between “you’re” and “your”.   “ur” is not a word; using it in your profile makes you appear lazy and uneducated, neither of which are qualities that appeal to Mistress Right.

When you initially talk to a dominant woman, do not lead with, “May I lick your boots?”  This approach is entirely dismissive of all the other facets of who she is.  It’s objectifying.  Objectification can be fun, but there’s that whole “consent” thing.  If she doesn’t consent to being objectified, then don’t do it!

Don’t ignore that conservatively-dressed and soft-spoken woman.  She may be the one to take you places you’d never dreamed of.  Not all dommes wear latex or leather.  Those who do don’t wear it all the time.  They’re not going to come snarl at you to get on your knees.  Before all those things happen, you have to actually get to know each other first.  The first step in this process is to begin what we refer to as a “conversation”.  One that doesn’t involve whipping, boot licking, strap-on sex, or your cock.  Do not say (or imply) that she’s not “real” because she’s not dressed the way you want her to be dressed or acting the way your script says she should act.

STOP CALLING EVERYONE “MISTRESS”!!!!  This is a meaningful title, and when you toss it at anyone with a vagina, you water down the meaning behind it.  Titles are earned.  She is not your Mistress unless you both agree to it.  Stop trying to force her into a role she doesn’t want to be in. If she wants to be this to you, she’ll do it at her own pace.

Take no for an answer.  If she shoots you down, respect the fact that it’s over with that person.  You may be able to start a friendship, but don’t delude yourself into thinking it’ll evolve into something more intimate.  When she says she’s not interested, don’t keep pestering her or trying to convince her to dominate you.  It won’t work.  If you claim to be submissive and interested in doing what she wants you to do, then obey her: leaver her alone when she tells you to.

Getting Gauche about Gender

Gender is confusing.

I grew up with the gender binary; there were men and there were women.  Pretty easy.

Then I got involved in the bdsm community.  People there mostly fell into the binary as well.  Over the years though, our community has grown and become much more diverse.  With that diversity, we’ve gained people all over the gender and sexuality spectra.  Queer, trans, asexual, and genderfluid all became fairly common flavors.  With that came a lot of confusion over how to address people.  Do you use masculine or feminine pronouns?  Or do you just try to avoid pronouns altogether?  It was, and is, a learning process.

Most people are pretty mellow if you simply ask them how they want to be addressed.  Often they’re appreciative that you’re asking rather than assuming.  When people incorrectly assume how someone identifies, some gently correct them and others flip out.  Obviously gender is important.  It’s an integral part of who we are, so it’s not surprising that people can be passionate about it.  At the same time, how far is too far?  Does being in a minority group give one the right to toss aside all decorum in responding to someone’s mistake?

A while back, there was a local workshop on orgasms.  Someone occasionally interrupted with comments like “some women have prostates” and other remarks that were intended to make the presenter more aware of the language she was using to describe people.  The presenter was referring to those with vaginas as women and those with penii as men.  She also added a disclaimer that she would be doing this simply because it was what she was used to, and that everyone should translate her words into whatever terms they preferred.  A handful of people were offended by her not constantly saying “people with penises” and “people with vaginas”;  instead, she used “men” and “women”, which a couple people found offensive.    The frequent interruptions flustered the presenter and threw her off of her rhythm.

They kept talking about this online for a couple weeks after the workshop.  Someone was even offended by the terms “people with penises” and “people with vaginas”.  How can you have a demo on orgasms without ever using any words to refer to someone’s gender or genitalia?  You need to be able to talk about the parts you’re dealing with in some way.

It makes sense that some people would be angry or frustrated to a certain extent when people address them in a way they’re not comfortable with.  As someone there said, it’s about making everyone comfortable.  But if this is really true, what about all the people who are afraid to speak because they’re worried someone will tear their heads off for daring to use a pronoun or a common word like “woman”?  If someone wants to make conversation but chooses to remain silent for fear of being publicly reprimanded, is that person comfortable?  I’m definitely not advocating a “needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few” approach; what I’m saying is that we all need to be not so quick to unsheathe our tempers.

There should be a balance between making everyone (regardless of how they present or identify) comfortable and making sure people aren’t afraid to talk, ask questions,  or be social.  No one should have to bend over backwards to make either of these things happen.  This isn’t something that can be effectively mandated via group rules.  Instead, it has to be an individual effort by everyone involved.