Bring Back BDSM!

When did bdsm turn into a crusade?

Over the past year, a lot more people have become all about one or two causes and nothing else.  I see it both online and locally.  Yes, activism can accomplish a lot.  I commend those who do so for a worthy cause, as well as those quietly working behind the scenes to make things better in their daily lives.  But when it’s all you talk about, when your contribution to every conversation at a bdsm event (or website) revolves around who’s a victim of what, you drive people away.

It seems there’s almost a competition going to see who can be more offended, more oppressed, more outraged.  If you don’t work yourself into a frenzy at the mere mention of a certain word or situation, you’re seen as one of them, one of the hate-mongers, terrorists, apologists, and nefarious doo-doo heads.  How did bdsm go from fun and sexy to accusatory and bitter?

Having a cause or twelve is terrific.  And there’s nothing wrong with being public about your cause.  But don’t push everyone away just because they’re not willing to invest as much energy in your pet cause as you are.  Not everyone feels the same way.  Not everyone had the same problems, the same upbringing, the same experiences.  We have varied political and religious beliefs.  We’ve led different lives.  People put different priorities on things than you do.  That doesn’t make them bad people.  It just means you’re different in some way…  You know, diversity and all that stuff we’re constantly preaching.

When I go to an event, I go to have fun, to learn, socialize, and/or get kinky.  And that’s what I intend to keep doing.  I’ll continue supporting (through various means) the causes I believe in without ramming them down everyone else’s throats.  I do hope you’ll join me.

Growth in the Kinkosphere

Our fantasies and interests change over time.  At least for most of us.  For many, they become more varied and more intense.  This can happen over the course of years; it can also happen after the first time trying something new.

I’m no exception to this.  I’ve seen my palette expand to include things I never would’ve imagined.  I’ve done things I never thought I’d do.  Things that were hard limits before.  The example that sticks out most prominently in my memory is being made to eat another man’s cum.  Other areas we’ve delved into that I never would’ve seen myself doing include full forced feminization in public, blood play, long-term chastity… Actually, every form of play for me has grown more intense over time, and new forms of play have come into the picture as well.  We’ve each got a list of things we’re curious about, want to try, or have a slight fascination with, and I’m a firm believer in continuing to try new things, push harder, and add new things to your “curious” list.  There’s an exhilaration that comes with being pushed further than ever before, whatever the activity may be.  I’ve often said that I have a fetish for being pushed hard.  Your interest in something may grow over time.  You may want to push (or be pushed) further.  Fantasies can go from “kind of hot in my head but probably wouldn’t try it” to something you reeeeeeeally want to experience in real life.  Someone on another blog even recommended that dommes “assume his fantasies are evolving and take them to the next step yourself” and that she can always back off if it’s too much.  This approach makes sense considering that the domme is the one in the driver’s seat.  It can also help the sub avoid feeling like he’s topping from the bottom.    I know I sometimes struggle with this feeling when initiating play or asking for a new form of play.

Before taking this approach though, it’s vital to know each other well.  Sit down and talk about your fantasies and where you want your play to go.  If you feel awkward doing that, try typing out (or telling) a story.  Write up a list of things that really push your hot buttons.  And don’t just sit on that list; discuss it with your partner.  And be sure to keep checking things off of it.  You won’t regret it.