Unclean! Unclean!

Brace yourself.  I’m going to say something terrifying.  Something that will make you run screaming from the room.
Ready?  Here goes-

“topping from the bottom”

While we wait for those who fled in terror to return and those who fainted to gain consciousness, let’s talk about this.  Topping from the bottom is reviled, jeered at, and the antithesis of the One True Way™.  But I don’t think it deserves quite the level of disdain that it gets.  In reality, it’s simply a communication issue, just like the myriad other communication issues out there.

Having desires, needs, and wants is not “unsubmissive”.  A bunch of online doms with no real-time experience may scream at you for daring to voice your desires, but don’t listen to them.  It doesn’t mean you’ve failed as a slave.  Your card is not being revoked.  You have desires.  Own them.  Vocalize them.  Otherwise, you’ve got no one to blame when you have unfulfilling scenes that don’t push any real buttons for you.  If the other person doesn’t know what you want, how do you expect to find any common ground?  When you just flop down and say, “Do whatever pleases you”, you’re saying you’ll be happy with whatever the dom does.  But will you really be happy with that?  Or do you have those certain desires scratching away at the back of your head, those things you yearn to do with her, the things that make your eyes glaze over?  Yeah.  Those things.  Tell her.

However, in the middle of a scene is not the time to tell her what you’d like to do.  At that point, she’s driving.  If you try to grab the wheel and turn the car in a different direction, she won’t be too appreciative.  Outside of the scene is the time to talk about this stuff.  Maybe over dinner, maybe cuddling in bed, laying on the couch, or out for a walk.  Or maybe saying it in person is awkward for you; if that’s the case, try e-mail, instant messenger, text, or a phone call.  You could save a document on your computer (and continually update it) and give her access to it.  You could journal, either in a physical paper journal or online.  How about a handwritten note?  There are tons of ways to communicate what your secret and not-so-secret desires are.

We all have that list of things we want to try, as well as those things that scare us but we can’t quite shake the thought of.  How do you expect to live it if you won’t do your part?  Your dom is not psychic; you can’t expect her to jump into your brain and pull out all the sexy bits.  If you’d like to live your fantasies, the first step is to take those fantasies out of your head and share them.  Just be sure to pick your timing; don’t start making demands in the middle of a scene.

Even bringing things up or asking for certain things outside of a scene can sometimes feel like topping from the bottom, at least for me.  It can be difficult to ask for what you want, especially if you’ve faced negative reactions or apathy when doing this in the past.  It is worth it though.  When you’re with a partner who listens, cares, and wants to have mutually mind-blowing scenes, communication is the only way to make this happen.

Making your desires known without being pushy or annoying doesn’t have to be a difficult balance.  I see a lot of people on both extremes- Some take the me-me-me approach and don’t care about what the dom wants; others refuse to let any tidbits of their desires out lest they be accused of the dreaded topping from the bottom.  Neither approach is sustainable long-term.

By seeing topping from the bottom as some horrible incurable disease, people make the problem worse than it already is.  Topping from the bottom is not leprosy.  Rather, it’s a simple communication problem requiring just a minor tweak.

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