I took part in a discussion online recently that made my brain start running on its hamster wheel.
Someone had asked whether being denied an activity/fetish/interest you enjoy can be just as arousing as the activity itself. She gave the example of foot fetish; if the sub has a foot fetish, does keeping her feet hidden away in boots or shoes (and not doing any kind of foot play) cause arousal or a stronger desire for this type of play? Though really this question applies to any activity at all.
For some people, this does cause stronger desire, though I don’t understand it. I suppose some people want even more what they can’t have. It’s akin to a dog sitting on the kitchen floor, staring at the cabinet where the dog food is stored.
Personally, the opposite is true for me. Actually doing the particular activity is far more powerful and arousing than being denied it. This is true for every bdsm interest I have. I see being denied something like that as a punishment (if we had a punishment/reward dynamic rather than actual communication.) I can also see being denied an activity we enjoy as a wasted opportunity.
Let’s go back to the foot fetish example. If she gets home from work or being out somewhere all night, her feet will be sweaty and warm- prime time for foot worship. If she pulls her boots and socks off and then continues on with more mundane activities, that’s not a turn-on from being denied; it’s an opportunity lost. The woman who posted this was wondering if that kind of thing would be arousing instead, to be denied what you want so badly. It just doesn’t work that way with me.
The only exception I see to this is orgasm control. Being denied orgasm does make me far more aroused. But I doubt we could really consider orgasm to be a fetish, so I’m not even sure that counts in this discussion.
Talking about an activity is one step above this. It’s more enthralling than simply not doing something, but it doesn’t come close to actually doing it. Talking about a certain scenario can get both people worked up in anticipation as long as it’s not overdone to the point of crying wolf. Much like fear play, both people have to believe that it’s a credible threat; this is usually accomplished by carrying out the things talked about. Again, it comes back to doing, which is why we’re all here.
Obviously couples don’t play every single time they see each other. That doesn’t mean they can’t have little scenelets now and then. It’s like the bdsm equivalent of a quick kiss- just a choke, or a few quick ball kicks, or a few minutes of foot worship, or face-spitting, etc. before moving back to real life can be a powerful way to rev up the sexy as well as quickly reinforce the d/s. Denying various activities, at least with me, has the exact opposite effect.