The Itch

A friend asked me the other night if I ever had a self-centered attitude towards BDSM.  The reason she asked is because of a conversation she had with another woman earlier in the day.  The other woman expressed irritation at the number of “I want you to do x and y to me” messages she’s been getting.  These messages were coming from self-proclaimed submissive men.  This caused my friend to wonder if I was ever like that and if it was a phase all submissive men go through.

My answer was yes, I did go through something like that.  When I first started out in BDSM, I had no interest in submission, only bottoming.  There were so many things I wanted to try.  Everything was new to me.  And I wanted to try it all.  As soon as possible.  As often as possible.  But even then, I realized that both people needed to be getting something from it in order for it to happen.

Going through this phase is, in my opinion, a form of sub frenzy.  When we first start out, there are so many new and shiny things to do.  We want to try it all.  Often.  Hard.  Some never grow past this phase.  I’ve found that the cure for sub frenzy is to actually experience things, to experiment and try new forms of play.  Not just doing them once and moving on, but incorporating them into your regular play.  Bringing new forms of play into your repertoire can definitely stave off the feeling of overwhelming urgency that leads so many to lose all sense of tact and social skill.

I still feel like I’m in this frenzy phase sometimes.  Even then, I understand that both people need to get something out of it, regardless of whether the “it” is a relationship or a single scene.  What we get out of it can vary, whether it’s catharsis, arousal, challenge, emotional fulfillment, a sense of service, bonding, or something else entirely.  I still have that kid-in-a-candy-store feeling.  I still have a huge list of things I’d like to try (And some that terrify me.  And some that terrify me but that I want to try anyway.)  I still get excited about play.  But I don’t put my desires above all else or demand that everything be done my way.  That’s where the issue lies.  There’s nothing wrong with having a big fetish list, and it’s very much a good thing to own up to one’s desires.  It’s the way you do it that makes all the difference.

I’ve Been Schooled.

T occasionally puts together a schoolgirl outfit to go to a munch or other event.  It’s not a frequent thing, but she’s done it at least a few times since I’ve known her.   A while back, she posted a picture of her in a schoolgirl outfit, with a mischievous-yet-innocent look on her face.  I commented that that picture really made me wish I was bullied in school, and I mentioned something about how she could stuff me into a locker any time.

The other night, I picked her up from work and brought her back to her place so she could change before coming to mine.  Once she changed, she stepped up to me in the schoolgirl outfit and asked, “How do I look?”  After I responded, she got closer.  Her tone changed.  It became much colder and sharper.  She got in my face.  “Good.  Because from now on, I’m that bitch who bullied you in school.  And if you tell anyone that I’m spending time with you, I’ll ruin your ass.  I’ll make life miserable for you.  Now get my bags.”  Then she turned and walked out.  Even the way she moved was pointed and bitchy.  I was stunned.  I wasn’t quite sure how to react to this, and all I could do was stammer and obey.

I put my boots on and followed her out.  She scolded me for not keeping up with her.  The drive to my place is about fifteen minutes, and it was a silent, awkward fifteen minutes.   She kept her arms folded in front of her the whole time, not saying a word.  I was too nervous to say anything.

Once we arrived at my place, T went upstairs and had me strip.  She beat my ass with a ruler while chiding me for not getting her an A on her last homework assignment.  I have to wonder if my neighbor was home and heard that part; the thought of it makes me smile.   At one point she took off the tie she was wearing (which she’d borrowed from me) and choked me with it.  I now have happy memories associated with that tie.  T also kicked me in the balls about a dozen times and then made me kiss her shoes to thank her. She followed this by pissing on my face in the bathtub and then riding a dildo gag she’d strapped in my mouth.  It was twenty pounds of sexy.  Maybe even twenty-five.

I’m focusing less on the physical aspects of play here and more on the other aspects for a reason.  I find them thought-provoking.

For a while it felt nearly like we were really high school students going through this.  Her mannerisms were very much like those of  a spoiled, bitchy teenager in school.  She never broke character.  It stopped feeling like a role-play and became reality; for a while I believed it.  And even though I could throw her if I wanted to, I still felt intimidated by her.  I never knew what to expect next.  She made me feel smaller than her, which I’m sure was at least part of her intention.

Since she made me feel smaller, it also feels like this type of scene has a ton of potential for humiliation.  It felt like I was primed for or somehow predisposed to humiliation during this scene.  This style of scene would probably lend itself rather easily to incorporating the other forms of humiliation that we’ve done as well.  Things like face spitting, licking the soles of her shoes, cum eating, forced feminization, or armpit licking would very easily fit in a scene like this.  But what I find interesting is that other things that I don’t normally find very humiliating can take on a humiliating edge with this kind of scene; when she had me kneel and kiss her shoes, I felt a slight tinge of humiliation, even though I normally don’t feel that when I kiss her shoes.  I feel like sucking her strap-on during this type of role-play would be similar.  The entire time we played, I felt slightly off-balance and more prone to being humiliated.

For my part, I felt a little awkward at times since I wasn’t sure how to react.  I was never bullied, so I wasn’t sure how the person being bullied would normally react.  Plus, I normally get much quieter during scenes, so carrying my weight in a role-play can be even more difficult.  Thankfully T was strongly driving this scene, especially since in this scenario the bully is the one doing most of the talking.

I’ve also never been big on role play, but this really worked well, and it helped improve my thoughts on role play in general.  This scenario in particular has a lot of possibilities as well; I could be not only another student as we just did, but I could also be a teacher, older brother, principal, etc.  And we could easily incorporate any form of play that we do.  There are a lot of ways to go.  It’s got a built-in freshness to it.  Role playing has often felt forced or just silly in my previous experiences with it, but this flowed really well.

Another aspect I find intriguing is that I’ve never gone for the icy bitch type.  Even in fantasy, it never really did anything for me.  Maybe I was okay with this because it was a role-play and not who she is in our daily relationship.  I really, really don’t get along with people like that in real life.  Even if it were someone I met at an event and wanted to play with, I’d pass if she were like that.  But I trusted T and went along with it, and I’m very glad I did.  It turned out to be a wild scene that expanded my horizons.

I’m still chewing on my thoughts on this a few days after it happened, which tells me that my brain got wrapped around something good.

Is It Really That Difficult?

It’s one of the most common complaints heard in femdom groups online: men bemoaning the number of submissive men and the seeming shortage of dominant women.  Listening to them, you’d think there’s an entire army of sub men camped out around each dominant woman’s house, each of them eagerly awaiting his chance.

Most likely some of these guys enjoy thinking this, as it allows them to feel a little humiliation, albeit self-imposed.  Feeling like you’re one of many, just a number, and disposable is sure to make someone feel worthless.  And if you get off on feeling worthless, that’s a plus.

But for those who genuinely complain about the hordes of available subs and lack of dominant women, I offer a little slap of reality to the face.  This past weekend I was at a bdsm event.  It was a mixed crowd, with dominant, submissive, and switch men and women all mixed in with each other.  A local femdom group had a luncheon at this event for anyone who was interested.  Roughly 30 people showed up.  According to Ye Olde Official Internet Statistics, approximately 29 of those people should’ve been sub men.  The actual tally was approximately 25 dominant women and 5 submissive men.  A 5-to-1 ratio…  in the other direction!  A real, face-to-face meeting, with actual fleshy, living, breathing women.  There were no entrance hurdles; it was open to anyone interested in female dominance.  Just show up, have free food, and meet people.  Pretty easy.  This isn’t how the internet told me it would work.

I was supposed to have to cross the desert, scale a mountain wearing nothing but a loincloth, slay a dragon using only a butterknife, find the jade monkey, and finally take a number behind thousands of others so that I might hope to get just a glance from a dominant woman.  Instead, I had to walk through a doorway.  The door was even propped open, so I didn’t have to break a sweat opening it.  The only effort involved was using my legs to walk the distance of a large room.  Oh, and I also had to not be creepy.  Really tricky stuff, right?

It’s pretty simple, guys.  If you sequester yourself behind a computer, your chances go way down.  And you’ll have to compete with lots of others who share your strategy.  But if you get out in the world where the BDSMers congregate, you’re much more likely to find someone you click with.  As an added bonus, you won’t run into nearly as many of the self-centered take-your-money-and-call-it-dominance types as you do online.  Get out there.  Meet people.

But you’re not getting my jade monkey.