A friend asked me the other night if I ever had a self-centered attitude towards BDSM. The reason she asked is because of a conversation she had with another woman earlier in the day. The other woman expressed irritation at the number of “I want you to do x and y to me” messages she’s been getting. These messages were coming from self-proclaimed submissive men. This caused my friend to wonder if I was ever like that and if it was a phase all submissive men go through.
My answer was yes, I did go through something like that. When I first started out in BDSM, I had no interest in submission, only bottoming. There were so many things I wanted to try. Everything was new to me. And I wanted to try it all. As soon as possible. As often as possible. But even then, I realized that both people needed to be getting something from it in order for it to happen.
Going through this phase is, in my opinion, a form of sub frenzy. When we first start out, there are so many new and shiny things to do. We want to try it all. Often. Hard. Some never grow past this phase. I’ve found that the cure for sub frenzy is to actually experience things, to experiment and try new forms of play. Not just doing them once and moving on, but incorporating them into your regular play. Bringing new forms of play into your repertoire can definitely stave off the feeling of overwhelming urgency that leads so many to lose all sense of tact and social skill.
I still feel like I’m in this frenzy phase sometimes. Even then, I understand that both people need to get something out of it, regardless of whether the “it” is a relationship or a single scene. What we get out of it can vary, whether it’s catharsis, arousal, challenge, emotional fulfillment, a sense of service, bonding, or something else entirely. I still have that kid-in-a-candy-store feeling. I still have a huge list of things I’d like to try (And some that terrify me. And some that terrify me but that I want to try anyway.) I still get excited about play. But I don’t put my desires above all else or demand that everything be done my way. That’s where the issue lies. There’s nothing wrong with having a big fetish list, and it’s very much a good thing to own up to one’s desires. It’s the way you do it that makes all the difference.