Cleanup on Aisle Three

At a munch a little while back, I was talking with someone about all the different relationship dynamics that exist out there.  He mentioned cuckolding as one of those dynamics.  I realized then that I haven’t clearly elucidated my evolving thoughts on cuckolding, not even to myself.  This post is also for me to straighten out my own thoughts and finally put them down in a more tangible form.

Cuckolding has always been a limit for me, as has everything to do with it.  And I mean this about every form of cuckolding.  The most common form of cuckoldry is when the woman has sex with others but the man doesn’t.  However I’ve also seen cuckoldry applied in the sense of one-sided polyamorous relationships, one-sided restrictions on casual play, or d/s relationships in which the woman has multiple subs yet the subs are all completely monogamous to her.  So there are a lot of varieties of cuckolding.

Anything vaguely related to this type of dynamic has always been a limit as well, whether we’re talking about eating another man’s cum, watching my partner’s sexual activities with someone else, or even teasing about it.  My only guess is that these things hit a little too close to home after having been cheated on about a year before I got into the BDSM community.  The woman who cheated on me had been interested in cuckolding me, but I wouldn’t go for it.  She did it anyway without my consent.  Which, of course, ended that relationship.

In the next relationship after that happened, I was with someone (my previous partner, G) who had an interest in the cuckolding dynamic, but I wouldn’t even consider anything to do with it because the thought of it was just too painful.  I couldn’t imagine going through something like that and seeing it as erotic.  My reaction was essentially a brick wall.  I instantly shut that idea down every time she brought it up.  It was just too much of a sensitive issue for me.

This all slowly started to morph into something else over the years though.

Not long before my last relationship ended, some of this was beginning to transition into more of a soft limit for me.  In other words, things I’d be willing to do with the right person under the right circumstances.  T and I have even taken our first foray into this type of play a while back when she made me lick another man’s cum from her feet.  That’s not something I ever thought I’d be able to do, and it was one of the more difficult yet incredibly sexy scenes I’ve ever been a part of.  Even during the year that’s elapsed since that scene, things have changed.  When we did that scene, I was not ok with seeing who it was; it was essentially anonymous cum from my perspective, though she obviously knew who it came from.  The anonymity in this kind of scene is no longer a need for me.  T has teased me about making me watch her fuck someone else and then having me clean her up, and my reaction was not like it would’ve been years ago.  Instead of instant repulsion and anger, my reaction was more along the lines of cognitive dissonance, my brain both getting aroused and slowly backing away at the same time.  (Admit it, you now have a mental image of my brain with little legs, gently walking backwards.)

This sensitive issue of my partner having sex with other men has slowly changed into something still powerful, but no longer riddled with negative emotions.  It seems to have a different air about it now; obviously consent makes a difference.  Doing this type of play is a way of turning it around, humiliating me, rubbing my face in it, and delighting in it… not hiding it.  That’s a world apart from infidelity.  It takes sex with others from being something shameful and hidden to something more erotic, a shared experience, a form of play.

Our relationship is semi-open, or monogamish, whatever you want to call it.  We each have a short list of people we can be intimate with.  Definitely not a cuckolding setup; we each have the same freedom.  During that aforementioned conversation at a munch a few months back, I was asked about whether cuckolding would ever work for me.  In the future, I have no idea, since my kink has evolved over the years.  I can’t say with any certainty that I’ll never do X or Y.  As for right now, the only way cuckolding would work for me would be if I were involved every single time.  If I were to agree to complete sexual monogamy while she didn’t, I’d need to be part of every one of those encounters in some way, whether it’s watching, cleanup, or something else; otherwise, I think I’d grow resentful.

Just reading that last sentence, I’m a little startled at the change from when I first started out in BDSM, or even just 3-4 years ago.  It’s not something I ever thought I’d find myself saying.  It also makes me wonder what other areas will open up for me in the coming years.  Yay for growth!

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