Reservation and Hesitation about Exploration Leads to Less Gratification.

People worry about trying too many new things.  There’s a concern of reaching the end of BDSM.  “Congratulations!  You’ve done it all!  There is no more BDSM left.”  Their main worry seems to be getting bored or reaching a level of intensity where the only new thrill comes from mutilation and dismemberment.

So to avoid flying too high, they choose to barely leave the ground.  To avoid trying too many new things, they stick to what they know.  Out of fear of potential boredom in the future, they create boredom now.

I feel these fears of running out of BDSM are unfounded.  While there may be a finite amount of possible activities, who’s to say they will ever get boring?  I still enjoy lots of entry-level things that I got off on from the start: bondage, impact, foot worship, etc.  I do breath play without being rendered unconscious.  I get into impact without being beaten to the point where I have fractures.  You don’t have to keep ratcheting up the intensity in every type of play in order to get something out of it.  These things don’t get old when you enjoy them.

Adding more items to the menu only helps stave off boredom; you have so many more things to choose from.  You can pull different activities from your repertoire for each scene.  And you avoid the typical “rack-and-whack” boredom trap some fall into.  When you’re only doing a few different types of play, there aren’t many combinations or ways to keep things fresh.  But when you add more and more to the mix, your options multiply exponentially.  A restaurant that served only five items would get old pretty quickly; one that serves five hundred items never gets old.  I see no reason to avoid exploring this vast buffet of BDSM.

We all have a list (either physical or mental) of the things we’d like to try.  Looking at my list, the majority of things that we’ve tried have worked out incredibly well.  If you try some new forms of play like that, why not do those things again and again?  It’s just one more flavor to add to the mix.  We don’t stop doing other things just because we tried something new.

Another reason I don’t understand the aversion to exploration is that sometimes tomorrow doesn’t come.  You end up regretting all the missed opportunities.  Whether it’s due to illness, someone moving, accident, the relationship ending, or any other life-ish stuff, things sometimes end far sooner than we’re prepared for.  You may end up saying goodbye not only to that person, but also to all the what-ifs, all the things that you wanted to do “someday”.

Every day is an opportunity.  Don’t wait for a special occasion.  “Someday” is now.

Plenty of Popular Porn Posturing

Complaints are frequently aired about submissive men who confuse femdom porn with reality.  Understandably so.  It’s unrealistic to expect your partner to wear leather or latex every single day, keep you in a cage whenever she’s not beating or fucking you, and never have an off day.

But there’s another aspect to this that I see frequently with women who are new to dominance or topping.  They can also confuse porn with reality.

I saw glimmers of this with two different women last night at a party, and it’s something that has popped up many times for as long as I’ve been involved in the local community.  There seems to be an initial expectation on their part that they have to be Princess IcyBitch.  Maybe they feel it’s what’s expected or what they think the sub gets off on.  Or it could be that they’ve simply read too much of the wankery in message boards and watched some femdom porn.  Or maybe they feel that it shows confidence.

To the latter point I say that it actually shows more confidence to be oneself, to laugh and smile and enjoy the scene without putting on a mask.  (Role-play scenes can be fun, but if that aspect of the scene isn’t negotiated, it can be a little unsettling to the other person.)  When I see a top scowling, using a sharp tone, and trying to be mean, I see it as a lack of confidence.  To me, the confident ones are the ones who seem at home in the scene, the ones who are comfortable doing what they do without acting.  If I want to play with you, I want to play with you.  The you I know from munches and other events.  I want to play with you because I enjoy who you are and how we interact.  If you’re glaring at me and using a dismissive tone, it makes me think you don’t want to be there playing with me.  But a top who smiles and laughs and shows that she’s actually enjoying what we’re doing is a huge pleasure to play with.  (As an aside, laughter is also incredibly hot, especially when said laughter is caused by the bottom’s pain or humiliation.)  There’s no need to be anyone other than you.  Unless you’re a total crackhead, in which case you may want to work on that first.

I get that some bottoms enjoy that mean, cold I-don’t-care vibe.  They have every right to get into that.  But it shouldn’t be the default setting for everyone.  There are other options.  Finding one’s own style of dominance or topping takes time, and so a lot of newer tops fall into meanicybitch mode when they first start out.  It’s important to keep in mind that these women in femdom porn are usually actresses.  They’re acting.  Playing a role.  It’s what they do.  And many don’t engage in BDSM in their personal lives, in which case they have no idea how things typically go or what’s possible.  They do what sells.  The people who consume BDSM porn most frequently (especially pay sites) often don’t have much overlap with those who do BDSM.  So when people try to carry this fictional online erotica over into the real world, it doesn’t always translate well.