Plenty of Popular Porn Posturing

Complaints are frequently aired about submissive men who confuse femdom porn with reality.  Understandably so.  It’s unrealistic to expect your partner to wear leather or latex every single day, keep you in a cage whenever she’s not beating or fucking you, and never have an off day.

But there’s another aspect to this that I see frequently with women who are new to dominance or topping.  They can also confuse porn with reality.

I saw glimmers of this with two different women last night at a party, and it’s something that has popped up many times for as long as I’ve been involved in the local community.  There seems to be an initial expectation on their part that they have to be Princess IcyBitch.  Maybe they feel it’s what’s expected or what they think the sub gets off on.  Or it could be that they’ve simply read too much of the wankery in message boards and watched some femdom porn.  Or maybe they feel that it shows confidence.

To the latter point I say that it actually shows more confidence to be oneself, to laugh and smile and enjoy the scene without putting on a mask.  (Role-play scenes can be fun, but if that aspect of the scene isn’t negotiated, it can be a little unsettling to the other person.)  When I see a top scowling, using a sharp tone, and trying to be mean, I see it as a lack of confidence.  To me, the confident ones are the ones who seem at home in the scene, the ones who are comfortable doing what they do without acting.  If I want to play with you, I want to play with you.  The you I know from munches and other events.  I want to play with you because I enjoy who you are and how we interact.  If you’re glaring at me and using a dismissive tone, it makes me think you don’t want to be there playing with me.  But a top who smiles and laughs and shows that she’s actually enjoying what we’re doing is a huge pleasure to play with.  (As an aside, laughter is also incredibly hot, especially when said laughter is caused by the bottom’s pain or humiliation.)  There’s no need to be anyone other than you.  Unless you’re a total crackhead, in which case you may want to work on that first.

I get that some bottoms enjoy that mean, cold I-don’t-care vibe.  They have every right to get into that.  But it shouldn’t be the default setting for everyone.  There are other options.  Finding one’s own style of dominance or topping takes time, and so a lot of newer tops fall into meanicybitch mode when they first start out.  It’s important to keep in mind that these women in femdom porn are usually actresses.  They’re acting.  Playing a role.  It’s what they do.  And many don’t engage in BDSM in their personal lives, in which case they have no idea how things typically go or what’s possible.  They do what sells.  The people who consume BDSM porn most frequently (especially pay sites) often don’t have much overlap with those who do BDSM.  So when people try to carry this fictional online erotica over into the real world, it doesn’t always translate well.

One Response to “Plenty of Popular Porn Posturing”

  1. Georgeanna Bingley Says:

    I just started reading your blog – backwards the way all archives should be read and this is the post that made me have to pause to say “This!!” over and over again. I feel the same way although I’m a female usually playing with male Doms. I’d much rather someone chuckle at me when I wince than yell at me. I think the latter would cause me to really freak out and, like you said, wonder if the guy didn’t actually want to be there and was just angrily taking out his frustrations on me.

    I love this blog! Now on to keep reading more 🙂


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