Lately I’ve been wondering whether my tastes are genuinely evolving or simply shifting temporarily due to chastity. There are times when T will tell me to edge myself, and occasionally she’ll ask what I was fantasizing about while I did it. This is one way she gets into my head to find out what my current playlist of fantasies is in my ideal little cranial kink-world. For the past few months, those fantasies have been getting more intense and boundary-pushing.
I’ve mentioned before how my limits have evolved over time. Things that were once hard limits for me now are not. Some scenes involving former hard limits are also now some of the hottest memories I have. Even if I wanted them to stop as they were happening, those scenes are incredibly sexy in the rear-view. I can recognize that potential quality in some other forms of play that we’ve been discussing as well. Some of the favorite scenes I look back on are often ones that pushed me hard, though not necessarily with pain. Likewise, a lot of the things that I’ve been fantasizing about lately are also limit-pushing. There seems to be a definite shift happening in that direction.
On the other hand, my fantasies can also get more extreme when I’m not allowed to orgasm. As time goes on, my fantasies and interests become more intense. I’m more willing to have my limits pushed. I’m able to go further. My pain tolerance doesn’t increase, but in pretty much all other areas, I want more. My kink drive increases in both scope and intensity. Since I’m going on six months since I was last allowed to orgasm, it’s very possible that my interests may be growing more intense just because I can’t cum.
Either way, I see no reason not to push those limits while they’re pushable. Whether it’s a temporary change due to chastity or a more long-term shift, pushing limits and exploring new things is almost a fetish in itself for me. And if something works out, then there’s one more thing that can be added to the regular rotation of kinks as often as desired.
But it also creates a conundrum since I have an incredibly difficult time asking for most types of play. It feels like I’m topping from the bottom, even though T has said she doesn’t see it as such. This difficulty is compounded when it’s a type of play I realize that I won’t want in the moment and will most likely regret asking for. I just can’t bring myself to ask for something I know I won’t want as it’s happening. Unfortunately, most of the things I’ve been thinking about (and that we’ve been talking about trying) fall under that category, so I haven’t asked. Sucky communication on my part, I know. I’m unable to shake that feeling of topping from the bottom or being the stereotypical whiny “do this to me then do that” sub. But I also realize she’s not psychic. So doing things like updating the perv list or her asking me what I’m thinking about are pretty solid middle ground. They’re ways for me to get my thoughts and desires out in the open without directly saying, “Can we do this and this and this? Now? How about now? Not yet? Ok, how about now? Now? ”
Aside from the difficulty in asking, there’s still the question of what difference it makes whether this is a temporary chastity-induced shift or something more long-term. I don’t suppose I’ll know for sure until after (if?) I’m allowed to orgasm again. If those boundaries start to drift back to their old locations, then I’ll know it was the chastity. Though if that happens, it opens yet another door. If we do a lot of these types of play while my boundaries are higher/broader than normal, then I know I’m capable of going that far, even if I no longer have the drive to when not in chastity. I have a feeling it could deepen the d/s between us if we were to continue those types of play even after the tides have pulled back some. I suppose it’s a moot point trying to figure it out until that day arrives. Definitely an interesting thought experiment though. And one that I’ll probably keep coming back to.