The Prequel

One of the classes I teach is  “How to Find a Partner“.  After my first time teaching this class, I posted the class material on fet, and it shot to the top of Kinky & Popular, so apparently this is much-needed advice.  Because it started off as a class on how to be a non-creepy submissive man, most of the material is aimed in that direction.  However, many people don’t know that final copy I posted was the most polished incarnation of that material.  My first attempt gave advice that was a little off the mark.  For example:

  • How you present yourself at events doesn’t matter at all.  People go there because they’re into BDSM, not because they care about silly things like hygiene or clean clothes.  Our common interest is enough.  They aren’t so shallow as to avoid you because they can smell you from ten feet away.
  • When messaging someone online, save time and copy-paste your messages.  Make them generic as possible.  That way you can send those messages to multiple women with maximum efficiency.  If you send it out enough times, you’re bound to get a bite sooner or later.  Or even an irate message berating you for your lack of basic social skills.  Which is a win, really, since humiliation is hot.
  • Don’t fret over proper spelling, punctuation, grammar, or content.  They’ll get what you’re trying to say.  And if you have nothing to say, “hey” works just as well.  Most women don’t get very many messages and just sit at home, refreshing their screens, waiting for something to come in.  They will jump on the chance to talk to you.
  • People will be much more impressed with you if you come with credentials.  Make sure to let everyone know just how experienced you are.  The time you spend in chat rooms and wanking to BDSM porn counts as experience.  But it works like dog years- multiply the number of years you’ve been jerking to kinky porn by seven.  That’s your real total.  So if you’ve been fantasizing about this for six years, that means you have 42 years of experience.  Nevermind the fact that you’re 27; that’s irrelevant.  Everyone must know that you are the most experienced person in the place so they can swoon and line up to give you sexual favors.
  • To convey proper respect, be sure to address all women as “Mistress”.  It doesn’t matter if it’s a conversation online with strangers or a munch in your city.  You must show your proper place by bestowing this title upon anyone vaguely female-ish.  Even if she’s submissive.  She is female, so you are beneath her, and thus she is your Mistress.  You can earn bonus respect points by requesting to kiss her boots immediately upon meeting her.  Don’t waste time with minutiae like introductions and names.  That crap isn’t important.  She is Mistress, you are slave.  Done.  No need for words.  Now kiss her boots.
  • If she doesn’t knock you out after that last bit, she’s a keeper.  Follow her around all night.  Never leave her side.  Even when she goes to the bathroom.  After all, you never know if she’ll need your assistance in delicately cleaning the golden nectar or creamy goddess butter from her sacred orifices when she’s done.  Be sure to offer multiple times.  She may be demure and say no the first few dozen times, but be persistent.  She’s just testing your devotion.
  • When you’re at a party, you’re with a bunch of like-minded people.  Just the fact that they’re there implies consent.  After all, they wouldn’t be there if they weren’t into it, right?  So go ahead drop to your knees and start kissing random women’s feet.   (This works especially well if they’re currently in the middle of a scene with someone else since they’ll be hot and bothered already.)  Reach into other people’s toy bags and start using their toys too; they wouldn’t bring them if they didn’t intend for people to use them.  If anyone complains about any of this or gets violent, you can accuse them of censorship or of trying to run a dictatorship.
  • Make sure to send women multiple pictures of your dick from slightly different angles.  And set one as your profile picture so she knows you’re submissive from the start.  Nothing says “submission” more than a zoomed-in picture of a penis as the first and most noticeable part of your profile.
  • Any time you disagree with someone, make sure everyone knows about it.  Tell the world that they are evil oppressors who are abusing their privilege.  There is no such thing as a simple disagreement, difference of opinion, or opposing views.  Anyone who disagrees with you is an oppressor who is trampling on your personal rights.

The Legendary Ultra-Secret Femdom Parties (Shhh…)

Over the years, multiple people have approached me asking my thoughts on having femdom parties in our local community.  While it’s doable, I’m not actively pursuing the idea.  On one hand, it would be a fantastic way for women who are new to dominance (or men new to submission) to become more comfortable with doing things publicly.  It would also provide a ton of ideas for other people to try.  And an environment like that is a terrific place for men to become more comfortable showing this facet of themselves in public without worrying about being seen as “less than” other men.  It’s a place where they’re free from all the societal baggage and chest-beating bullshit we deal with every day.

But there can be a downside as well.  I’ve been to some femdom parties in other cities, as well as talked with quite a few close friends who have gone to these types of parties too.  There are often some commonalities that can’t be ignored.

At many femdom parties, the attendees drift into a female-supremacy mindset.  For the submissive men, there can be a feeling of being looked down on.  Simultaneously, quite a few of the women carry an air of superiority and even spite towards the men in attendance.  Seems a bit counterproductive to me.  (Some parties I’d been to in Columbus were far better in this aspect, as we were treated as actual people by most of those in attendance.)

It’s not uncommon for women at these types of events to expect any sub they choose to fall at their feet and do exactly as they say.  I’ll pass on that.  I don’t play with random people.  On top of that, service is not something I do casually.  I don’t give my submission away to just anyone.  I’m not going to bow to you just because you identify as dominant and are in my proximity.  If my submission didn’t have any value, it wouldn’t mean anything when I do give it to someone.

I also see groupthink come into play at parties like that.  One woman does something, so a few other doms in the room like the idea and feel they need to instantly do the same.  Then the others think they’ll feel out of place if they don’t play along.  One-upmanship can become prevalent as well; The women there want to show off their massive domly skills (whether in play or d/s) and so they do something to flex their dom muscles.  Not to be outdone, someone else goes a step further.  Soon the subs aren’t even treated as if they’re involved anymore, simply tools in some silly competition.  It may or may not be seen as a direct competition as it’s happening; I’m more a fan of doing kink one’s own way rather than competing with others.

Humiliation is frequent at femdom parties.  While I find humiliation both hot and scary, the stupid-human-tricks variety more commonly practiced there isn’t my thing.  It’s actually a limit for me.  In other words, they often do humiliation not for erotic purposes, but more for entertainment or amusement.  The doms make the subs do ridiculous non-kink things just so they can make fun of them.  That feels closer to emotional abuse to me, and I don’t partake.

For all those reasons, I don’t attend a lot of those parties or events, instead choosing more mixed gatherings.  Many of the attendees at femdom parties gave me a bad impression, so much so that I decided to rarely attend, even when I was single.  I feel most of these problems could be bypassed with house rules or a paragraph or two in the event write-up.  It may be a tricky balance though, as it would be easy to make it feel overly restrictive.  We may do a one-off party or event at some point, so avoiding these issues would definitely be a priority.  The difficult part is finding a balance between making people feel comfortable and not making them feel too bogged down by rules.

Honing Your Submissive Skills

Submission is hard.  There are all these rules and codes of conduct to follow.  One wrong move and you are forever banned from the Canonical Registered Association of Certified Kinky Humble Enslaved Acquiescent Docile Submissives, or C.R.A.C.K.H.E.A.D.S.  How can you keep it all straight without losing your certification as a real true submissive?  Fortunately, the internet has all the answers.  Thanks to this wondrous resource, you can be kept on the straight-and-narrow by a bunch of morons who have no idea how this works in real life a selection of Esteemed Experts in the field of female dominance.

I present here for your perusal a portion of Article IV, Section 7, Clause D, Amendment 9 of The One True Way™ (Volume 13: Female Dominance and Male Submission)-

  • You are not allowed to have any needs or desires of your own.  You should be elated that she is lowering herself to spend any time with you at all.  Be grateful for the little bit of attention you’re given.  It’s not your place to have emotional needs.  Your joy comes solely from her pleasure.  Besides, you’re a man, so you should be stoic every moment of your life.  No facial expressions, either.
  • She doesn’t want to know anything about you, so don’t bore her with those insignificant details.  This is all about her.
  • Submissive women are allowed to have a sex drive and to want sex and/or orgasm with their scenes.  This is normal and healthy.  But you, as a male sub, are not allowed to have these same desires.   Doing so will brand you as a do-me sub.  You’re so selfish.  You must think this revolves around you.  This isn’t all about sex, dammit!  How dare you desire sex with someone you have chemistry with!  You crazy kids with your newfangled sexification!!  I’m calling the police!!!
  • All discussions about the relationship will be had in full d/s protocol.  You must agree to everything she says without exception and abide by whatever terms she comes up with.  Because you’re submissive.  It’s what you do.  If the terms she sets leave you unfulfilled or less than happy, then you must not really be submissive.
  • BDSM is all about housework.  You must always draw great satisfaction from doing someone else’s housework.  Never question her motives.  She’s ordering you to do her grunt work because she’s dominant, not because she wants to avoid doing the work herself.  No one would ever think of taking advantage of you.  Besides, service-oriented submission is the only real type of submission out there.  If you’re not service-oriented, you’re just playing games and wasting everyone’s time.  If you’re not doing more than your share of housework while she sits on her ass, you’re committing a grave sin: the dreaded Topping from the Bottom!  Unclean!  UNCLEEEEEAN!!!
  • Throw lots of money at her.  In addition to housework, BDSM is about money.  These two things are at the heart of it.  There is no better way to show your submission than to bankrupt yourself by buying presents from someone’s wishlist of trivial extravagances.  You may never be able to retire or move out of your parent’s basement, but on the bright side, she has that new designer handbag that she can take with her when she goes out on the town and doesn’t think of you for a single second.
  • It’s perfectly normal for her to have multiple relationships while disallowing you any contact with other women.  You shouldn’t think any less of her because she wants the benefits of poly without the responsibilities of it.  Likewise, don’t be bitter that she can’t handle the same emotions she wants you to live with.  Wanting one-sided poly doesn’t make her a hypocrite at all; rather, it multiplies her domly powers of domliness.

If you follow all this advice, soon you will be on your way to being the top online wanker in the universe!  The most real true subliest sub who ever subbed!  You can sit at home and tell everyone how they should be doing it if they want to be real like you.  You’ll have legions of followers… online.  None of it will actually translate into the real world, but the real world is overrated anyway.

White Meat? Dark Meat? Who Cares?

Even before cuckolding was on my radar, I’d noticed a prevalence of race play intertwined with it.  After having an experience with cuckolding (and realizing it really got me hot in spite of me wanting it to stop) I started digging around a little more.  And even after looking around in more depth, I see race is still a huge factor for a lot of people.  In nearly every cuckolding resource I’ve looked into, there’s a huge element of race play going on.  The consensus seems to be that when the other man is black, it’s more humiliating and thus a more powerful experience.  (I have a problem with that thinking, but I’ll get into that later in this post.)  A local friend (and cuckoldress) gave her thoughts on this recently, and her perspective made me think.  She was essentially saying that it was playing into the stereotypes of black men being more masculine and more of a threat to the sub’s masculinity.

Men in general are taught from a young age that we have to be hyper-competitive, never show emotion, always be ready for sex, know how to tear an engine apart, etc.  From talking with some black friends, this pressure is even stronger in black culture.  (Full disclosure: As a pasty white guy, I’m no expert on what it’s like to be black; this is just an outsider’s perspective.)  There seems to be much more of a push for black men to toe the line in this area.  So I don’t find it too surprising that they’re perceived as more masculine by some.  (In a way I pity the fact that they have to deal with that level of societal pressure though; I find the amount I have to put up with is already incredibly irritating, so I can’t imagine what it must be like for them.)

So I can somewhat understand the perception of added masculinity considering the way many black men are more heavily indoctrinated with these stereotypes.  However, cuckolding is infused with humiliation.  It’s one of the main reasons to do it.  In that context, I’ve always seen the racial element as insulting to the other man.  Why should the woman fucking a black guy make it more humiliating for the sub?  It always seemed a rather racist mindset to me.  Sort of a “She’s fucking someone else?  That’s humiliating.  Wait, he’s black?  Now that’s low.”  I just don’t get why the other man’s race should make it more humiliating for the sub.

Maybe I don’t understand it because I don’t perceive cuckolding in general as a threat to my masculinity. I’ve never gotten anything out of the whole “not a real man” stuff; I tend to laugh it off. Either that or I take the approach of, “If you have a problem with me, we can talk about it outside of a scene and work towards a solution. If you feel I’m a waste of your time, there’s the door.”  I feel that (for best results) the sub should be secure in himself before engaging in cuckolding.  And so I don’t feel threatened by it or by the other man.  If it’s someone who is perceived as more masculine than me, so what?  I don’t place much value in many of society’s measuring sticks.  I’ve got more important things in my life.

All that said, I feel it’s possible to have fantasies like that without it bleeding over into everyday life.  There are a lot of politically incorrect forms of play out there, and people should feel free to enjoy them as long as they don’t rub them in others’ faces or take any of those -isms to heart.  It’s a matter of personal choice as to whether one should risk doing (or talking about) certain things in the community.  Sometimes it’s worth it, and other times not.  Bringing things into the public eye will always invoke disapproval from some, especially when it’s a highly charged or contentious topic.  But it can be worth it in the sense that it unites those who do enjoy it, and it can be an educational experience for a lot of people.  It may even give someone inspiration to try something new.