The Legendary Ultra-Secret Femdom Parties (Shhh…)

Over the years, multiple people have approached me asking my thoughts on having femdom parties in our local community.  While it’s doable, I’m not actively pursuing the idea.  On one hand, it would be a fantastic way for women who are new to dominance (or men new to submission) to become more comfortable with doing things publicly.  It would also provide a ton of ideas for other people to try.  And an environment like that is a terrific place for men to become more comfortable showing this facet of themselves in public without worrying about being seen as “less than” other men.  It’s a place where they’re free from all the societal baggage and chest-beating bullshit we deal with every day.

But there can be a downside as well.  I’ve been to some femdom parties in other cities, as well as talked with quite a few close friends who have gone to these types of parties too.  There are often some commonalities that can’t be ignored.

At many femdom parties, the attendees drift into a female-supremacy mindset.  For the submissive men, there can be a feeling of being looked down on.  Simultaneously, quite a few of the women carry an air of superiority and even spite towards the men in attendance.  Seems a bit counterproductive to me.  (Some parties I’d been to in Columbus were far better in this aspect, as we were treated as actual people by most of those in attendance.)

It’s not uncommon for women at these types of events to expect any sub they choose to fall at their feet and do exactly as they say.  I’ll pass on that.  I don’t play with random people.  On top of that, service is not something I do casually.  I don’t give my submission away to just anyone.  I’m not going to bow to you just because you identify as dominant and are in my proximity.  If my submission didn’t have any value, it wouldn’t mean anything when I do give it to someone.

I also see groupthink come into play at parties like that.  One woman does something, so a few other doms in the room like the idea and feel they need to instantly do the same.  Then the others think they’ll feel out of place if they don’t play along.  One-upmanship can become prevalent as well; The women there want to show off their massive domly skills (whether in play or d/s) and so they do something to flex their dom muscles.  Not to be outdone, someone else goes a step further.  Soon the subs aren’t even treated as if they’re involved anymore, simply tools in some silly competition.  It may or may not be seen as a direct competition as it’s happening; I’m more a fan of doing kink one’s own way rather than competing with others.

Humiliation is frequent at femdom parties.  While I find humiliation both hot and scary, the stupid-human-tricks variety more commonly practiced there isn’t my thing.  It’s actually a limit for me.  In other words, they often do humiliation not for erotic purposes, but more for entertainment or amusement.  The doms make the subs do ridiculous non-kink things just so they can make fun of them.  That feels closer to emotional abuse to me, and I don’t partake.

For all those reasons, I don’t attend a lot of those parties or events, instead choosing more mixed gatherings.  Many of the attendees at femdom parties gave me a bad impression, so much so that I decided to rarely attend, even when I was single.  I feel most of these problems could be bypassed with house rules or a paragraph or two in the event write-up.  It may be a tricky balance though, as it would be easy to make it feel overly restrictive.  We may do a one-off party or event at some point, so avoiding these issues would definitely be a priority.  The difficult part is finding a balance between making people feel comfortable and not making them feel too bogged down by rules.

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