More Bumps in the Road

I frequently see female subs describing themselves as sluts.  It’s not uncommon to hear them describe kink in sexual terms and to desire lots of sex and/or orgasms along with it.  They can want multiple sexual partners (or play partners) without anyone questioning them.  They may crave to be “pimped out” to others by their dom.  This is considered normal, healthy behavior for a submissive woman, and many dominant men are more than happy to oblige.

Now flip that around.  Imagine it’s a male sub.  If he wants sex or orgasm, that supposedly makes him a do-me sub.  Multiple partners?  Getting pimped out?  How selfish!  He must think it’s all about him.  The nerve!  This isn’t all about sex, dammit!  How dare you desire sex with someone you have chemistry with!  You crazy kids with your newfangled sexification!!  I’m calling the police!!!

Likewise, brattiness is often condoned (and sometimes celebrated) in the M/f dynamic.  Contrarily, it’s looked down upon in the F/m crowd.  Any male sub who does this is “not really submissive” or is “topping from the bottom”.  Yet with female subs, “She has spunk” and “He must not be dom enough to keep her under control.”

Service oriented?  Another lopsided issue.  Female subs can be all about sex.  Bedroom submission is perfectly fine, and no one thinks twice about it.  But if it’s a male sub saying these same things, he is again considered a do-me sub.  He gets accused of thinking everything revolves around his cock.  A submissive man is apparently supposed to be perfectly altruistic, mindlessly deriving exquisite pleasure from doing all the things the dom doesn’t want to do.  Dishes, mopping, dusting, etc. . . . These supposedly bring “real” submissive men great satisfaction in doing them for a dominant woman.

Obviously there are a lot of double standards out there, both within the BDSM community as well as society at large, which affect everybody.  No one is immune.  This is by no means a comprehensive list; I wanted to touch on a few of those that affect submissive men in particular and don’t get voiced nearly often enough.  The only way to get rid of these or any other double standards is to be mindful of them and consciously fight their effects in the world.  These ways of thinking often happen because people confuse their personal preferences with some sort of universal standard.  Eventually, with enough vocal proponents, one way of thinking wins out and becomes prevalent.  Those coming into BDSM then think that’s the only way to do it, and either conform or go underground with their own way of doing it.   (Is it any wonder so many dominant women and submissive men have trouble coming to terms with their desires?)  Combating this involves voicing an unpopular opinion, standing up and saying, “This is me.”  So simple, yet frequently difficult for many.

Talking the Talk

I was talking with a friend who cuckolds her partner.  She mentioned that language is one powerful aspect of this that really pushes her partner’s buttons.  He gets off on a betrayal or cheating theme, as well as small cock humiliation, so those words and any associated with them will get him worked up.

This conversation made me wonder what words might do the trick for me in regard to this type of play.  While those specific examples that work for him possibly might not work for me, eventually I realized there are certain words and phrases that can add some major spark to it.  These have all come up when T has been taunting me about cuckolding.  Some examples:

  • “make you watch”
  • “clean me up”
  • “fucking other men”
  • “sucking his cock”
  • “make him cum while you’re locked up”
  • “right in front of you”
  • “lick up his cum”
  • and even simply the word “cuckold” – I realized this during a recent scene with a friend who asked, “How was the cuckolding?” as a form of verbal humiliation.  It worked rather well in that regard.  (She was asking about this scene.)

These phrases all seem to trip that yes/no trigger in which I want it to stop yet my cock is standing at attention.  (They also bring forth a lot of mental imagery, and I’m a very visually-oriented person.)  Common elements in those phrases seem to be humiliation, denial, and especially unfairness, all of which tend to be strong themes in cuckolding to begin with.  Pointing these things out and rubbing them in my face really seems to accentuate the power imbalance.  Of course, like any other form of play, doing it makes talking about it pale in comparison.  At least that’s the case based on my experience with it so far.  That scene was more powerful than any of the words used to describe it.  So actions will always trump words with me; however, these particular words and phrases still carry a pretty solid impact and push some major buttons with me.