More Bumps in the Road

I frequently see female subs describing themselves as sluts.  It’s not uncommon to hear them describe kink in sexual terms and to desire lots of sex and/or orgasms along with it.  They can want multiple sexual partners (or play partners) without anyone questioning them.  They may crave to be “pimped out” to others by their dom.  This is considered normal, healthy behavior for a submissive woman, and many dominant men are more than happy to oblige.

Now flip that around.  Imagine it’s a male sub.  If he wants sex or orgasm, that supposedly makes him a do-me sub.  Multiple partners?  Getting pimped out?  How selfish!  He must think it’s all about him.  The nerve!  This isn’t all about sex, dammit!  How dare you desire sex with someone you have chemistry with!  You crazy kids with your newfangled sexification!!  I’m calling the police!!!

Likewise, brattiness is often condoned (and sometimes celebrated) in the M/f dynamic.  Contrarily, it’s looked down upon in the F/m crowd.  Any male sub who does this is “not really submissive” or is “topping from the bottom”.  Yet with female subs, “She has spunk” and “He must not be dom enough to keep her under control.”

Service oriented?  Another lopsided issue.  Female subs can be all about sex.  Bedroom submission is perfectly fine, and no one thinks twice about it.  But if it’s a male sub saying these same things, he is again considered a do-me sub.  He gets accused of thinking everything revolves around his cock.  A submissive man is apparently supposed to be perfectly altruistic, mindlessly deriving exquisite pleasure from doing all the things the dom doesn’t want to do.  Dishes, mopping, dusting, etc. . . . These supposedly bring “real” submissive men great satisfaction in doing them for a dominant woman.

Obviously there are a lot of double standards out there, both within the BDSM community as well as society at large, which affect everybody.  No one is immune.  This is by no means a comprehensive list; I wanted to touch on a few of those that affect submissive men in particular and don’t get voiced nearly often enough.  The only way to get rid of these or any other double standards is to be mindful of them and consciously fight their effects in the world.  These ways of thinking often happen because people confuse their personal preferences with some sort of universal standard.  Eventually, with enough vocal proponents, one way of thinking wins out and becomes prevalent.  Those coming into BDSM then think that’s the only way to do it, and either conform or go underground with their own way of doing it.   (Is it any wonder so many dominant women and submissive men have trouble coming to terms with their desires?)  Combating this involves voicing an unpopular opinion, standing up and saying, “This is me.”  So simple, yet frequently difficult for many.

One Response to “More Bumps in the Road”

  1. ejzplay Says:

    Great point. Given the wide array of people engaged in BDSM across many spectrums and different forms of relationships, the idea that the way someone/people do it wrong because it’s outside the One True Way is really silly.

    Some folks only play one-on-one in a sexy times, so there is NO service orientation. Likewise topping from the bottom or wanting sexual expression during play times as not being authentically submissive is also laughable.

    Please continue the BDSM meta-commentary, it’s sorely needed! 🙂


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