I’m More Equal than You!

I’m seeing more and more of two particular groups butting heads, and it baffles me.  Feminists and men’s rights advocates both claim to want equality, yet they continue to pound each other in the public arena.  You’d think that two groups with a common goal would work together and be a stronger force toward that end, but the exact opposite is happening.

I frequently see people in both camps using underhanded tactics, throwing around insults, minimizing the other group’s problems, etc.  How hard is it to say, “My group has problems.  Your group has different problems.  Let’s work on all these problems”?

Instead, one group will ridicule the other whenever they bring to light the issues they face.  They’ll attempt to change the focus of the conversation back on to them by saying, “Well my group has to deal with this problem and that problem, so you have no right to complain.”  How is this any different than telling a rape victim, “You should shut up about all that; there are people starving to death or dying because they don’t have access to clean water”?  That’d be a really nasty approach, yet self-proclaimed advocates of equality use it all the time.  Playing the “who’s more oppressed” game benefits no one.  It only alienates people.  Trying to one-up others is not the best way to work towards equality.

Or they’ll paint an entire demographic group as being the problem, which is horribly ironic considering they claim to want equality. I’ve seen this tactic on both sides of the aisle as well.  Is it any wonder that people get defensive when you get offensive?  It’s a natural reaction.  Attacking people who have done nothing wrong is only creating a new set of victims.  And potentially a new set of enemies.  It’s counterproductive and immoral.

Or they’ll flat-out deny that problems exist despite evidence to the contrary.  Men’s rights advocates will deny that male privilege exists.  And feminists will deny that female privilege exists.  The simple fact is that both groups are getting screwed over in different ways.  Just because those ways are different shouldn’t negate anyone else’s struggles.  Do the people who are trying to eliminate pancreatic cancer get in fights with those who are working on renal cancer?  Do people battling to end hunger deride those working against domestic violence?

It’s not much different than the troubles in Ireland: Catholics and Protestants murdering each other, killing innocent non-combatants.  Yet both groups claim to be all about Christianity.  And they’re doing something very un-Christlike.

There are a ton of problems in the world that are worth fighting.  Why not work on those problems, rather than attacking those who are also working on them?  We’re on a battlefield, facing the enemy called inequality.  If we lose focus on that enemy and keep fighting each other, we lose the battle without the enemy ever lifting a finger.



“Submissive Male Seeks Awkward Interactions with Female Tops”

It’s common to see “looking for play” threads started prior to many BDSM events, whether they’re weekend events or one-night parties.  It’s an easy way for people to put feelers out and attract people who are potential play partners.  Threads like this open the door to negotiation but aren’t an obligation to play.  I’ve had some fantastic scenes by responding (by private message) to threads like this.  But my luck in posting in those threads has been less than stellar.

I tend to play only with people I’m attracted to.  (I don’t need the top to necessarily be attracted to me as long as she’s getting something out of the scene.)  Even for more casual and non-sexual play, that attraction to the top still needs to be there in order for me to enjoy the scene.

When I’ve posted in threads like this before, I’ve met up with those who responded or messaged me.  The chemistry just wasn’t there.  And shooting people down is awkward.  I’m willing to do it when necessary, but I’d prefer to avoid it altogether.  So I’ve mostly stopped posting in those discussions.  Instead, I approach people in person or respond to their posts in “looking for play” threads.  With either approach, I try to use no-pressure tactics.  For example, I offer but don’t ask.  That way, the default answer is no.  If they’re not interested, all they have to do is continue on with their weekend as normal.  No awkward shooting down required.  This has been far more successful in that neither of us have to feel weird about turning the other down.  Though I think if everyone used the “offer rather than ask” method, I’d have no problem in posting something in threads like that.

Porn is Ruining Femdom! All Shall Perish!

Occasionally people go on about how femdom porn is ruining submissive men’s ideas of what BDSM is “supposed to” be.  They talk about how submissive men usually want all this freaky kinky stuff, pain play, etc.  Often these people will mention how they think women should all be paid to engage in BDSM acts like that since they don’t enjoy them.  If a man expresses a desire to bottom to a woman, he’s frequently met with myriad replies of, “Go see a pro; real women don’t do that.”

I often wonder how much crack one has to smoke before that kind of thinking makes sense.

Yes, submissive men are often masochists as well.  And usually kinky pervs to boot.  But the nice thing is that there are people out there who are looking for exactly that.  There are women who (gasp) enjoy topping men.  There are also people called “sadists” who get off on inflicting pain.  I can attest that they most definitely exist.  Lots of women actually get turned on by doing all these types of play.  It’s not just something manufactured by the porn industry.

Being submissive doesn’t mean we shouldn’t have desires anymore.  We still have them, and we go after what we want just like anyone else.  There’s nothing wrong with wanting to engage in things like pegging, toilet play, foot worship, or left-handed albino Nicaraguan clown sex.  People who try to shame submissive men for daring to have desires only show their own lack of intelligence with their attacks.

If someone can’t differentiate between porn and real life, they’ve got bigger problems that likely weren’t caused by porn.  Treating someone like a fetish vending machine is a trait of a less-than-high-quality person.  Rather than blaming porn, why not hold these people accountable for how they choose to be?  Being an asshole has nothing to do with viewing habits and everything to do with personal choices.  Don’t let them off the hook for their actions by blaming porn.  They had the same basic socialization we all did in school, and unless they’re completely agoraphobic, they continue to have some interactions with people on a regular basis.  They also have access to lots of resources online that cover all aspects of social skills.  If they choose to still be cockbuckets in spite of all this, that’s their choice, and they should be held accountable for that choice.

On the payment issue, if the woman in question isn’t into whatever type of play it is with a particular person, she doesn’t have to engage.  She can move on and find someone/something else she’s interested in.  If she doesn’t enjoy topping at all, no one is forcing her to pretend that she does; however, she has no evidence backing her if she says that all women in general don’t like topping.  If she only enjoys certain types of play (and who doesn’t?) that’s completely okay.  Likewise, if she only tops within a relationship or with someone she has chemistry with, there’s nothing wrong with that either.  If she runs into someone who wants to play, and she’s not interested for whatever reason, all she has to do is chalk it up to incompatibility and move on.

It’s a scenario that doesn’t happen nearly enough.  Usually, if person A wants one thing, and person B wants another thing, they can either compromise or just say “we’re not a good fit” and keep searching.  Instead, the reality that more frequently happens is a big chunk of ugly.  They yell at each other, sling insults, attack the other person’s character, accuse the other of being fake, and get into a huge huff over why the other person is wrong.  What’s so hard about just admitting that they aren’t a good match for each other?  Is it an ego-saving thing?  Is it a simple desire to go off on a rant?  Inability to see more than one side of things?  Or are people really just that stupid?