Porn is Ruining Femdom! All Shall Perish!

Occasionally people go on about how femdom porn is ruining submissive men’s ideas of what BDSM is “supposed to” be.  They talk about how submissive men usually want all this freaky kinky stuff, pain play, etc.  Often these people will mention how they think women should all be paid to engage in BDSM acts like that since they don’t enjoy them.  If a man expresses a desire to bottom to a woman, he’s frequently met with myriad replies of, “Go see a pro; real women don’t do that.”

I often wonder how much crack one has to smoke before that kind of thinking makes sense.

Yes, submissive men are often masochists as well.  And usually kinky pervs to boot.  But the nice thing is that there are people out there who are looking for exactly that.  There are women who (gasp) enjoy topping men.  There are also people called “sadists” who get off on inflicting pain.  I can attest that they most definitely exist.  Lots of women actually get turned on by doing all these types of play.  It’s not just something manufactured by the porn industry.

Being submissive doesn’t mean we shouldn’t have desires anymore.  We still have them, and we go after what we want just like anyone else.  There’s nothing wrong with wanting to engage in things like pegging, toilet play, foot worship, or left-handed albino Nicaraguan clown sex.  People who try to shame submissive men for daring to have desires only show their own lack of intelligence with their attacks.

If someone can’t differentiate between porn and real life, they’ve got bigger problems that likely weren’t caused by porn.  Treating someone like a fetish vending machine is a trait of a less-than-high-quality person.  Rather than blaming porn, why not hold these people accountable for how they choose to be?  Being an asshole has nothing to do with viewing habits and everything to do with personal choices.  Don’t let them off the hook for their actions by blaming porn.  They had the same basic socialization we all did in school, and unless they’re completely agoraphobic, they continue to have some interactions with people on a regular basis.  They also have access to lots of resources online that cover all aspects of social skills.  If they choose to still be cockbuckets in spite of all this, that’s their choice, and they should be held accountable for that choice.

On the payment issue, if the woman in question isn’t into whatever type of play it is with a particular person, she doesn’t have to engage.  She can move on and find someone/something else she’s interested in.  If she doesn’t enjoy topping at all, no one is forcing her to pretend that she does; however, she has no evidence backing her if she says that all women in general don’t like topping.  If she only enjoys certain types of play (and who doesn’t?) that’s completely okay.  Likewise, if she only tops within a relationship or with someone she has chemistry with, there’s nothing wrong with that either.  If she runs into someone who wants to play, and she’s not interested for whatever reason, all she has to do is chalk it up to incompatibility and move on.

It’s a scenario that doesn’t happen nearly enough.  Usually, if person A wants one thing, and person B wants another thing, they can either compromise or just say “we’re not a good fit” and keep searching.  Instead, the reality that more frequently happens is a big chunk of ugly.  They yell at each other, sling insults, attack the other person’s character, accuse the other of being fake, and get into a huge huff over why the other person is wrong.  What’s so hard about just admitting that they aren’t a good match for each other?  Is it an ego-saving thing?  Is it a simple desire to go off on a rant?  Inability to see more than one side of things?  Or are people really just that stupid?

2 Responses to “Porn is Ruining Femdom! All Shall Perish!”

  1. Quietlisten Says:

    Left-handed? Now, sir, you have gone too far. I am shocked. Shocked, I tell you.

    Great points. There are no “rules” around relationships, only people. Sometimes people think that they can assume rules instead of communicate clearly and confidently. Assumptions are caustic, and they often boil over if left unaddressed. Labels in BDSM can sometimes carry way more baggage than is healthy, looooooooong lists of assumptions, sometimes, even for the careful.

    Building any relationship is partly about killing the placeholder assumptions that don’t fit. In BDSM, there’s just another layer of assumptions to saw through, so communication skills are even more important. Coy, indirect attempts at communication can be hard to interpret through the lenses of assumption. There’s some self-discovery there, too… uncovering things about yourself and going “I had no idea I liked albino Nicaraguan clown sex… that’s hot!” But not the left-handed variety. That’s just begging for trouble.

  2. pureliquidkink Says:

    I admittedly am a little biased to wrong-handed people, as I have been infected with this backwardness myself.


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