24 hours ago, I was in another state, having a fun scene with a couple women whose company I found I rather enjoyed. This was a 2-on-1 scene; I love the energy of those type of scenes. Prior to this, we did the usual negotiation that you do for casual play. One of them asked me how I felt about humiliation. The short answer I gave is that humiliation is hit-or-miss for me and that I may possibly be up for something if it’s a strong interest of theirs. I generally don’t do much of this type of play with people I haven’t played with before. Humiliation is so individual that I generally don’t pursue it unless we’ve got a scene or two under our belt together. Or at least have a really long conversation first.
That simple question made me think on the drive home today. I still don’t know why certain types of humiliation work or don’t work for me. I’m not well-read in psychology. But the first step in finding out the “why” is sorting out what works and what doesn’t.
I already know that the logical side of my brain gets in the way of some things. For example, small cock humiliation. I’ve been in enough locker rooms (and around the BDSM community long enough) to know that I’m average size and proportional to my body. And my brain also blocks all the stereotypical “not a real man” or “worthless” stuff. That kind of approach makes me think, “If you don’t feel I’m worth your time, there’s the door. Bye now.”
Other forms of humiliation that I know definitely don’t work for me are what I call “stupid human tricks”. These are things that are done for the top’s amusement but carry no erotic value, e.g. ridiculous costumes, singing silly songs, or acting the fool at the top’s direction to elicit laughter. Don’t get me wrong, being laughed at can be über-hot; but sadistic laughter is totally different than “you’re pathetic and I can’t believe you’re doing this” laughter. Sadistic laughter can get me in to that delectable melty headspace, but the latter completely pulls me out of the scene.
What does work? Many of the things that work for me are physical in nature and carry some level of social connotation.
Face-spitting is one that hits that button really well. Forcefully launching a mouthful of saliva right at someone’s face is widely considered insulting, and it also carries that “I just spit in your face- What are you going to do about it?” vibe. Derogatory, degrading, and very powerful. Precisely why it appeals to me so much.
Being made to clean the dirt from the soles of the top’s shoes or boots also lands pretty squarely near the humiliation bullseye for me. It’s just flat-out dirty and disgusting. It’s literally the lowest point on that person’s being. I’ve only experienced this a couple times, but based on those experiences, the humiliation factor is fairly strong.
Armpit licking is another I have pretty limited experience with. Obviously this is best done with no deodorant, as 15-syllable chemicals aren’t the best thing to be ingesting. Armpits carry that dirty, nasty connotation that I so adore. Being made to do this involves feeling a certain indignity and powerlessness. Yow.
Forced feminization (I know, not truly “forced”) is something I’ve touched on before and won’t go into detail in here. In short, I don’t see femininity as humiliating. I find this type of play humiliating because it’s playing with all the bullshit crammed down our throats from a young age. We’re “supposed to” act this way or that because of the way we were born, and anything other than that is cause for social repercussions. Using this social stigma as a source of humiliation in BDSM is a way of taking life’s BS and making something erotic out of it. I liken it to women who get off on being called “slut” or “whore”; they’re taught not to be those things by society, and so they take that pressure and turn it into the sexy during a scene.
I imagine the top washing my mouth out with a bar of soap would also carry a strong humiliation groove. This is pure speculation, but I think since the act carries a certain amount of authoritarian vibe as well as the pure nastiness of it, it would likely have a humiliating effect.
There aren’t any forms of verbal humiliation listed here. That’s because I haven’t yet found any solid forms of verbal humiliation that consistently have that same kind of effect on me. To be fair, I haven’t experienced a ton of verbal humiliation, but most of the times I have, it was met on my part with indifference, disbelief, or genuine anger. We’ve just started to explore cuckolding (as individual scenes, not as a relationship dynamic) and this might possibly provide an effective angle for some verbal. I’m not real sure what it’d take to hit that verbal humiliation bullseye. In the meantime, I’m going to keep wandering around this kinky landscape and explore as much as I can.