Humiliation Rumination

24 hours ago, I was in another state, having a fun scene with a couple women whose company I found I rather enjoyed.  This was a 2-on-1 scene; I love the energy of those type of scenes.  Prior to this, we did the usual negotiation that you do for casual play.  One of them asked me how I felt about humiliation.  The short answer I gave is that humiliation is hit-or-miss for me and that I may possibly be up for something if it’s a strong interest of theirs.  I generally don’t do much of this type of play with people I haven’t played with before.  Humiliation is so individual that I generally don’t pursue it unless we’ve got a scene or two under our belt together.  Or at least have a really long conversation first.

That simple question made me think on the drive home today.  I still don’t know why certain types of humiliation work or don’t work for me.  I’m not well-read in psychology.  But the first step in finding out the “why” is sorting out what works and what doesn’t.

I already know that the logical side of my brain gets in the way of some things.  For example, small cock humiliation.  I’ve been in enough locker rooms (and around the BDSM community long enough) to know that I’m average size and proportional to my body.  And my brain also blocks all the stereotypical “not a real man” or “worthless” stuff.  That kind of approach makes me think, “If you don’t feel I’m worth your time, there’s the door.  Bye now.”

Other forms of humiliation that I know definitely don’t work for me are what I call “stupid human tricks”.  These are things that are done for the top’s amusement but carry no erotic value, e.g. ridiculous costumes, singing silly songs, or acting the fool at the top’s direction to elicit laughter.  Don’t get me wrong, being laughed at can be über-hot; but sadistic laughter is totally different than “you’re pathetic and I can’t believe you’re doing this” laughter.  Sadistic laughter can get me in to that delectable melty headspace, but the latter completely pulls me out of the scene.

What does work?  Many of the things that work for me are physical in nature and carry some level of social connotation.

Face-spitting is one that hits that button really well.  Forcefully launching a mouthful of saliva right at someone’s face is widely considered insulting, and it also carries that “I just spit in your face- What are you going to do about it?” vibe.  Derogatory, degrading, and very powerful.  Precisely why it appeals to me so much.

Being made to clean the dirt from the soles of the top’s shoes or boots also lands pretty squarely near the humiliation bullseye for me.  It’s just flat-out dirty and disgusting.  It’s literally the lowest point on that person’s being.  I’ve only experienced this a couple times, but based on those experiences, the humiliation factor is fairly strong.

Armpit licking is another I have pretty limited experience with.  Obviously this is best done with no deodorant, as 15-syllable chemicals aren’t the best thing to be ingesting.  Armpits carry that dirty, nasty connotation that I so adore.  Being made to do this involves feeling a certain indignity and powerlessness.  Yow.

Forced feminization (I know, not truly “forced”) is something I’ve touched on before and won’t go into detail in here.  In short, I don’t see femininity as humiliating.  I find this type of play humiliating because it’s playing with all the bullshit crammed down our throats from a young age.  We’re “supposed to” act this way or that because of the way we were born, and anything other than that is cause for social repercussions.  Using this social stigma as a source of humiliation in BDSM is a way of taking life’s BS and making something erotic out of it.  I liken it to women who get off on being called “slut” or “whore”; they’re taught not to be those things by society, and so they take that pressure and turn it into the sexy during a scene.

I imagine the top washing my mouth out with a bar of soap would also carry a strong humiliation groove.  This is pure speculation, but I think since the act carries a certain amount of authoritarian vibe as well as the pure nastiness of it, it would likely have a humiliating effect.

There aren’t any forms of verbal humiliation listed here.  That’s because I haven’t yet found any solid forms of verbal humiliation that consistently have that same kind of effect on me.  To be fair, I haven’t experienced a ton of verbal humiliation, but most of the times I have, it was met on my part with indifference, disbelief, or genuine anger.  We’ve just started to explore cuckolding (as individual scenes, not as a relationship dynamic) and this might possibly provide an effective angle for some verbal.  I’m not real sure what it’d take to hit that verbal humiliation bullseye.  In the meantime, I’m going to keep wandering around this kinky landscape and explore as much as I can.

Think First, Judge Later

People often post online about how they find forced feminization offensive.  I’ve already covered my thoughts on force in another post, so I won’t go into that aspect of it here.  This is about feminization as a kink.

Femininity is a quality I’m very much attracted to in a partner.  It’s why I tend to not be attracted to men, androgynous people, or those who identify as butch.  It’s simply a matter of personal taste, and not something I apologize for.  I have no problem with it if others aren’t attracted to white people, men, bald guys, etc.  I don’t take it personally.  It’s just how we’re wired.  You can’t un-gay someone or make them attracted to someone they’re not.

So how is it that femininity can be both humiliating and attractive?  For some men, yes, there are genuinely misogynistic feelings at play that you only discover after talking to them.   They find femininity in itself to be degrading and often imply (or outright state) that their gender makes them better than women.  And that’s not okay.

But it’s also not okay to assume that everyone who finds forced fem humiliating falls into that camp.  It’s actually rather insulting to say all sorts of nasty things about practitioners of this kink, assuming they’re all the same.  It’s a problem similar to that faced by lots of different groups in the community.  People think they know you just because they know a little bit about one thing you do.  They don’t dig into the why and how, but instead choose to make incorrect assumptions.  It’s similar to how those who do race play are automatically racist, people into the ageplay are pedophilies, etc.

From elementary school onward, we have to follow the Man Manual™.  Men face a ton of pressure to fit a certain mold.  It carries on from childhood to adolescence, and even to adulthood.  Some people take this mindset to the grave.  If that stereotype is not who we are, then there are repercussions.  Anything from simple mocking all the way up to violence.  While I present as masculine, I don’t fall into the traditional dudebro category.  I look very clearly masculine, but my behavior is all over the spectrum.  I’ve dealt with fallout from this for decades.  (Obviously it’s not nearly as bad as that faced by people who are gay, trans, etc., but that doesn’t make it any less real.)  As a result of the fact that I don’t toe the line, I’ve dealt with a lot of crap and grown thicker skin in the process.  This type of play is a way of playing through that pain and making a toy of it, taking something lousy and putting a positive spin on it.

It’s also a way of playing with some of the double standards our society carries.  Nearly everyone has privilege of some type.  One form of female privilege is that women can wear men’s clothes while being completely accepted for who they are.  It’s even considered sexy.  (The most common example being a woman in a man’s button-down shirt.)  But the opposite is not true at all; men don’t have the same freedom.  A man in women’s clothes is usually looked down on and ridiculed.  This type of play is a way of taking those fucked-up double standards and making fun of them.  It’s a way of thumbing our noses at what society tells us we have to do.

Femininity is also not who I am.  I don’t dress in women’s clothes on my own, so there’s a certain hotness in being pushed outside of where I’d normally go.  This also applies to a lot of other forms of play I really get into, not just this one.  Being pushed past my comfort zone can be really hot.  When I don’t want something but am forced/persuaded/threatened/etc. into it, it adds a certain edge to the play.  This is not unique to feminization.

Likewise, I’ve also seen feminization used among lesbian couples.  When the sub is more butch-identified, this type of play has the same effect as it does on submissive men.  Yet there is no big outcry or accusations of misogyny.  People understand that the sub doesn’t identify as feminine, so they find this humiliating.  Pretty simple.   Why is the exact same thing so hard to fathom when it comes to submissive men?

Even with hetero couples, I’ve occasionally seen dominant men masculinize their normally feminine subs as a form of humiliation.  There were no complaints of misandry because people understood that it was just play.  They interacted with these women on a regular basis and knew they weren’t sexist.  They understood that the subs found it humiliating because that’s not how they normally identified.  They didn’t instantly react with blanket assumptions.  Instead, they got to know the people behind the play and based their judgments on who the people are and how they act, not on one scene.

Much of the complaining against people who do this type of play is really nothing more than one more form of stereotyping within the community, just like how submissive men are all supposedly self-centered with no social skills, foot fetishists are creepy, rope people are snobs, and dominant men are only in this to get their dicks sucked.  The stereotypes do hold true for some, but why not dig a little deeper with each individual before making a judgment call?

The Big C (No, Not Chimichanga)

Two things have recently become more apparent to me:


  • T let me orgasm two weeks ago.  It was the first orgasm she let me have in three months and a week.  A quarter of a year.  (And it was the longest orgasm I ever remember having!)  It got me thinking.  We’ve been together for 13 months now.  She’s periodically kept my cock in a cage from the start, with varying periods of freedom in between.  (And these seem to be gradually decreasing in length, while the lockups get longer.)  Altogether, she’s had me locked up for probably 3/4 of our relationship.  Prior to our relationship, my experiences with chastity were typically 1-8 weeks on average, followed by a 2-3 months of freedom.  Contrast that to where things are now- increasingly longer periods in chastity with no end in sight (She’s floated the idea of making me go 1-2 years with no orgasm.)
  • She told me fairly recently that at an upcoming event (Winter Wickedness) she’s going to make me eat someone else’s cum.  This is something that’ll be difficult for me and will push me hard.  That said, I think I’d be able to get myself into a frame of mind to accept it, do it once, and get it over with.  But the other day when the subject came up, she got a big smile on her face and said, “Winter Wickedness is just the beginning.”  Gulp.  That’s been bouncing off the inside of my head since she said it.  It’s like in the movies where you can see the person saying something, and the words just keep echoing over and over.

These two have something in common: control.

When we first started seeing each other, she was curious about chastity.  Then when I asked her why it appealed to her, one big part of her response was control.  That was a big draw for her.  She locked my cock up early on, and she has since taken total control of my orgasms.  She’s keeping me locked up for longer, making me desperately hornier, and taking more control than I thought possible for me to give.

With the making-me-eat-other-men’s-cum thing, she’s also taking more control of me than I thought I’d ever be capable of giving up.  This was a limit for me for the longest time.  But now she’s going to make me do it.  Over and over again, apparently.  That requires a high degree of control.  You can’t make me do something that causes me to go “ohfuckno, fuckityfuckfuckfuck” without having firm control.

There are other areas where the control peeks its face in the door as well.  Occasionally when I say something, she’ll remind me that I have no choice in the matter.  Or that she knows I don’t want to do something, but that she’s going to make me do it anyway.  When she does that, it feels like she’s jerking on some internal leash.

She even fully crossdressed me and took me out in public.  I never, ever considered that an option before.  Not even close.  Again, control comes into the picture and suddenly, this intimidating mental image becomes reality.

I never thought I’d go for a level of control that was more intense than what I’d always experienced prior.  I saw no reason to turn the dial up.  But every time she wrenches more control from me, the more submissive I feel towards her.  The more she dominates, the more I feel the drive to submit.  This is where dominance and submission, normally two different things, become intertwined.  My submission feeds off of her dominance.

99 Ways to Perv

T and I have something we call perv lists.  They’re lists of things that either she or I have mentioned wanting to experience.  Some of these are things that I saw at parties and have stayed stuck in my brain since, while others seemingly randomly popped into my head.   She won’t tell me what’s on her list though, since she wants to keep the element of surprise.  These are almost like a bucket list of kink.  The purpose of this list is different though.  Unlike a bucket list, if we really get off on something that we try from this list, we can do it again and again.  And again.  And again, just for good measure.  We can add it to our regular repertoire rather than just checking it off of a list.

My list isn’t in any real order.  Some of these things have come up in conversation repeatedly, while others were simply mentioned once a long time ago and never again.

  • Ass-beating with her belt – We tried this last night.  Depending how she wielded it, it delivered everything from nice warmup-type pain to searing flashes of sting.  And she’d sometimes hit the belt on itself to make a loud slapping noise.  That made me tense up when she did that.  Very sexy.  Watching her take off her belt always appealed to me because I could imagine her beating me with it.  Now, I’m sure that feeling will be even stronger.
  • Needles through the nipples – I’m not curious about needle play in any other body parts.  It just doesn’t seem like it’d be an erotic form of pain anywhere except the nipples.
  • Lick her piss or her spit from off of her bare feet –  nasty, and oh-so-hot.  This would also work well with the soles of her shoes/boots/sandals.
  • Armpit-licking – I was curious about this for a little while, and eventually we tried it.  I was surprised at how hot it got me.  (To be clear, I’m talking about doing this without deodorant since there are a lot of nasty chemicals in it.  Deodorant isn’t meant to be eaten.  Bleh.)  And it also wasn’t done straight out of the shower either; she’d been going around for at least a few hours, sometimes more, with no deodorant before making me lick her armpits.  It appealed to me on many of the same levels foot worship does- armpits have that dirty, “low” connotation, and dominating the mouth is just plain sexy.  Foot worship is still one of my absolute favorite forms of play though; it hasn’t been unseated.  But licking her armpits definitely drove me up a wall!  The taste, the scent, the “wrongness”… This got me incredibly turned on.
  • A spit bukkake scene- Multiple women taking turns spitting in my face over and over again.  Face-spitting is powerful to me; it’s humiliating and traditionally degrading/insulting.  The social connotations that come along with face-spitting are probably what makes this so sexy to me.  Having multiple women involved only increases the humiliation factor since they are not only taking part, but also a built-in audience.  A group of women taking their time, taking turns, and laughing at me as the slowly cover my face in their spit is an incredibly powerful fantasy for me.
  • Cum play in various incarnations.  She strongly prefers using other men’s cum rather than my own in these scenarios, and obviously they’d need to be screened for STIs:
  1. Creampie cleanup- Licking another man’s cum from her pussy, especially after watching them fuck, would most likely be a humiliating experience.
  2. Drink cum mixed in a glass of her piss
  3. Lick cum from her soles We’ve tried this once now- read about it here and here.  It was easily one of the hottest scenes I’ve ever had.  (She’s also floated the idea of using multiple men’s cum all at once for this.)
  4. Lick cum from her armpit
  5. Snowballing others’ cum- After going down on someone else (either in front of me or not) and having a mouthful of cum, kissing me.
  6. Someone (or someones) cumming on her sock, followed by her gagging me with it
  7. Someone cumming on her panties, followed by her gagging me with them
  8. Felching- She’s half-threatened to make me suck someone else’s cum from her asshole.  This is just nasty and wrong, so of course the thought of it gets me really hot.
  9. Pimp cup (an ornate cup she wants to have completely filled with other mens’ cum before making me drink it all.  That’s an insanely large amount of cum.)  I thought she was joking about this, but she insists she isn’t.
  10. Kneel and lick cum from off of her shoe/boot in a more public environment (club, party, etc.)  This might be harder though, since the top of the foot is rounder, so the cum might slide right off.  Cum might stick better to nylons, but that’s just a guess.  Because of that, I’m really not sure if this is feasible.  I do know that the public humiliation aspect would be both horrible and sexy.
  11. Lick cum from off the sole of her shoe/boot/sandal, especially a pair that she wears often.  This would be difficult as well, but the thought of it gets me hard.
  12. Cum drive- This started as a joke about having an orgasm drive (like a telethon) since I’ve been denied so many orgasms.  Then she twisted it into collecting other mens’  orgasms rather than my own.  She taunted me with the idea of letting multiple men cum all over her- ass, tits, armpits, soles, in her mouth, etc.- and making me clean it all up.  All without letting me orgasm.
  13.  Clean her up during a gangbang.  This is the most intimidating one on this list.  I’d have to watch other men get off inside her, then come over and clean their cum out of her pussy, ass, and mouth one at a time.  Over and over again.  The thought of this makes me nervous.

With all the different forms of cum play we’ve talked about, every single one of them gives me butterflies.  That said, I think I could wrap my head around doing this just once and getting it over with.  But she’s repeatedly said she wants to make this a regular, frequent part of our play, which makes me tremble to think of it.  She said she wants to make me her cumdumpster; really, what can you say to that?  Doing this type of play on a regular basis (especially when she won’t let me orgasm myself) seems incredibly intense, and it’d push me hard; at the same time, the thought of it gets me hot.  The thought of doing this as often as she wants to makes me want to curl up in a little ball.  Or take a play from the ostriches and bury my head in the sand.  Maybe she won’t see me.

  • Have a scene outside
  • Pimp cup (see #8 above) filled with spit and making me drink it
  • Foot-smelling scene.  This is pretty basic, but I think I would kink pretty hard on this.  We discussed having me bound in a straitjacket or with hands cuffed behind me, and then gagged.  Most likely with a posture collar to keep me from turning my head.  Laying on my back on the floor, she could be up on a piece of furniture and simply rest her feet on my face.  I’d be unable to get away and unable to breathe through my mouth.  It’s a simple idea, and one that uses one of the most basic, primal senses.
  • Banana Spit- This stemmed from me misreading a sign at an ice cream shop.  It brought to mind an image of a group of women passing around a small bowl or cup of ice cream (though this would work with any food or snack really) and spitting in it, over and over, for quite some time.  Covering it with inches of spit.  Being made to eat food that’s absolutely drenched in spit would be incredibly nasty.   Which is probably why it appeals to me.
  • Piss in cornflakes – That way, if I’m in a bad mood and someone says, “Hey, who pissed in your cornflakes?” I could just point to her.
  • Co-topping– She’s mentioned quite a few times that she really enjoys co-topping, and that she wants to top me with another woman at the same time.  We’ve now done this- We had a super-hot anniversary scene as well as an a mind-melting birthdayversary scene.
  • Public humiliation- When I say “public” in this sense, I’m talking about more of an adult vanilla-public environment rather than a play party or other bdsm event-
  1.    Foot kissing
  2.    Ass kissing
  3.    Face spitting
  4. Shoe shopping– We talked about going shoe shopping (for her) together, with me kneeling to put on and take off her shoes.  We tried this pretty early on, and it hit me both in a sexy way and a d/s way.  This is a very happy memory.
  5.   Forced feminization– We’ve done public forced feminization once before, and it was incredibly intense.  It also had much more of a d/s vibe than I was expecting.  Since then, she’s threatened to take me out fully crossdressed on one of the busier streets in a more adult-oriented part of town on a Friday night or Saturday night when it’s crowded.  I’m not sure how much of that I could handle.  That would be really difficult.
  6. Shopping trip.  This ties in with #5 above.  She’s threatened to take me out shopping for women’s clothes, making me try them on in the store for her to see.  She said she may do this with just the two of us or with other women.  It’s a pretty intimidating prospect.
  • Cheerleader cbt scene – It started as a joke, but it took on a life of its own.  T would be wearing a cheerleader outfit and kick me in the balls.  “Gimmie a C!  (*kick*) Gimmie a B!  (*kick*)  Gimmie a T!  (*kick*)”
  • Cruel schoolgirl scene– She posted an incredibly sexy shot of her in a schoolgirl outfit in front of some lockers, with an innocent-yet-potentially-wicked expression on her face.  I’m not big on role-plays, but this is one that I think could be a lot of fun.  I could be a teacher, another student, the creepy janitor, older brother, or any number of possibilities.  Update: We tried this out the other night- Read about it here.  It then got my mind racing, wondering what a teacher-student role-play would be like; unlike a typical teacher-student role-play, the student would be the top in this scene though, which lends itself to all sorts of fun wrongness.
  • Bottled water conditioning – She’s mentioned wanting to condition me to fear a certain brand of bottled water by repeatedly making me drink her piss out of these bottles.  She bought a case of this brand and saved every bottle after we drank the water.  She has already made me drink her piss from a few bottles so far, so the conditioning is beginning.  Currently, every time I see this brand, I immediately think of her making me drink her piss, though it’s not a fear response.  If she keeps this up over time, that might change.
  • Mouth soaping – Washing someone’s mouth out with a bar of soap has some really sexy power exchange connotations to it.  I know I definitely wouldn’t enjoy the act itself, but I still find the mental image of her working a bar of soap in and out of my mouth very hot.  Especially when combined with bondage.  Because everything is tastier with bondage.  Or maybe I’m just a pervert.  Yeah, we’ll go with that.  I’m not sure I’d be able to avoid pulling my head away though.  I can easily see myself pulling my head back (or turning to the side) to get away from the soap in that situation.  UPDATE- She did this to me this evening.  She told me, “Open up!” and then worked the bar in and out of my mouth a few times.  Bleh.  It was nasty, but her confidence made it sexy.  Her tone and her body were both saying, “I know you don’t like it, but I want to do this to you, so you’re going to submit to it.”  Damn.
  • On a related note- Her sliming up her feet or armpits with a bar of soap and making me lick her clean.
  • Foot worship after work– Yow.  This completely floored me.  I’m surprised the cock cage didn’t explode from the pressure.  We’ve done this here and there, and it blows me away every time.  This is one of the quickest ways to get me desperately horny.  It’s a favorite form of play for me (possibly the favorite) although it’s insanely frustrating if I’m in chastity; that’s when it becomes double-edged, getting me incredulously turned on while wanting it to stop at the same time.  She’s even been talking about pushing it further, making me kiss and lick her feet after 12-16 hours in boots.  I can’t wait to do this, especially if she doesn’t have me locked up at the time.  (Somehow I think there’s a slim chance of that happening though.)  Of course, we’ll need to try it many, many times to be sure we like it.  Just to be absolutely certain.  For science.
  • Also, there’s another aspect to this: At one event, she wore fishnets with boots for a few hours, and that seemed to make it a more intense experience.  So boots with no socks is one more angle we could potentially explore.
  • Fisting – This is something she’s expressed an interest in trying, and I’m very slightly curious.  I’ve heard others say fisting can be really intimate, so that appeals to me.  Plus, butt sex is just hot.  But I’ve never taken anything that large before.  UPDATE:  We tried this last night; read about it hereVery intense and amazing experience.
  • Hairbrush spanking – Hairbrushes are portable and innocuous.  And they can sneak up on you at any time.  I may buy one just to keep in the bathroom for constant quick access; that way there’s no need to open a toy bag.  UPDATE- I bought one, and she now keeps it in her toy bag.  It’s meeeeean.  But I do really like the traditional connotation of authority that comes with it.
  • Whipped with looped-over electrical/appliance cord – I tried this briefly years ago in a scene.  Really intense.  I’d like to explore it more.  And pretty much everywhere you go, there is some sort of electrical cord available.
  • Cock-locked for 1-2 years – A while back, she started threatening to lock me in a cock cage for over a year.  More recently, she’s started threatening two years.  Our longest at this point has been a little over four months.  So being made to go for over two years without orgasm would mean doing six times our current record.  If that’s not an intimidating prospect, I don’t know what is.  This would most definitely make my head explode.  There would be headfetti everywhere.
  • Permanent chastity- T has even teased me a few times about possibly making my chastity permanent.  While it’s a super intimidating prospect, it still sounds very hot, with massive d/s overtones.  I’ve got very mixed feelings on permanent chastity.  It’s scary.  Incredibly so.  But the thought of her making my chastity permanent, and me not having any say in the matter, gets me rock hard.
  • Ball-kicking with no warm-up – We’ve now tried this, and I found it incredibly hot!  Multiple kicks to the balls without any warm-up intimidated me.  At first I was worried it’d be too much, although the thought of it kept popping into my head.  This type of play doesn’t take long, and the recovery time is quick enough that it could probably be done multiple times in a day if desired.  It works well by itself if we don’t have time for a full-on scene; we can do this for a few minutes and then continue on with whatever we were doing.
  • Consensual nonconsent – This is an intriguing idea, though I’m certain I’d be miserable at the time.  For those not familiar with the term, consensual nonconsent involves temporarily removing the ability to safeword and continuing play even if the sub were to safeword.  This could be done with a few different forms of play, though impact is the most obvious.  It would definitely require either bondage or multiple women holding me down; otherwise, there’s no way I’d be able to take it.
  • Slave branding – This goes right in line with consensual nonconsent.  My ability to safeword would have to be removed if we were to do this.  There’s the potential for so much anticipatory build-up prior to the actual branding: being tied down, watching as the fire is started and the branding iron is placed over it, being unable to move as it slowly gets red-hot, etc.  Single-strike hot-iron branding is the only type that really appeals to me though.
  • Singletails- Singletails are so elegant, yet at the same time, capable of causing great pain; it’s a wonderful combination.  As a bonus, they can draw blood.  So of course I bought one.  It’s a nylon 4-foot whip.  Once T gets the hang of it (they have a bit of a learning curve) we can really explore this.
  • Her pissing on food and making me eat it – We’ve talked about her completely drenching my meal (or snack) and ruining it, yet still forcing me to eat it all.  This also started as a joke about her jumping up on the table at a restaurant that we frequent and letting loose on my meal.  But then it went from a joke to her going, “Hmmm…”   Another take on this would be her pissing on the food and letting it cool off completely; that would probably have more of a sinister, captor/prisoner vibe to it.  And probably be even more disgusting.  I don’t even know if I’d be able to eat that.  Update: We’ve now achieved food-pissery.
  • Long-term caging- We’ve only tried caging a few times, with the longest being about an hour.  It was highly sexiful.  I’m not sure how I’d react to longer periods in the cage, but I had no real  trouble with an hour.  I’m curious about being brought to the point of desperately wanting out of the cage, but still not being let out.  I imagine roughly 2-4 hours would have that effect, but that’s just a guess.  My main concern with longer-term caging would be bathroom use.  If I’m in a cock cage, pissing in a bottle wouldn’t work.  Also of concern is food- When I’m hungry, it distracts from anything else I’m feeling, and it puts me in a really bad headspace.  So in order to have this scene, she’d have to occasionally set some food in the cage.  This could easily be combined with the points in the paragraph above.  Or she could just slip in some granola bars, protein bars, etc. periodically.
  • Being beaten with a switch.  I hear they sting.  Quite a lot.
  • Using me as a toilet for an entire weekend without once using an actual toilet.  We nearly tried this at a weekend camping event, but I’d just had a severe concussion the weekend before and wasn’t quite up to it.  Even if I’d tried it, I doubt either of us would’ve gotten as much out of the experience as we would’ve if I were fully with it.
  • Her fucking her own ass with a dildo and making me lick and suck it clean afterward.  Eew.  But also very hot.
  • Strap-on gangbang – T has mentioned wanting to get about half a dozen women, tie me down, and take turns fucking me in both ends.  Super-sexy thought, but I know I’d reeeeeally want it to stop at the time.  I’m honestly not real sure how long I’d be able to take this before I break.  My guess is not real long.  She’s also mentioned the possibility of removing my safeword for this, making it a genuine gang rape.  Fuckity fuck fuck.  I just want to back away slowly when I think of that.  I also worry about being fucked too hard, to the point of damage.  So they’d have to watch closely and avoid jackhammer fucking if this were to happen.  UPDATE- She gave me my first experience with double penetration last week for our anniversary.  It was all kinds of amazing.  Read about it here.
  • Pimping me out- Not long after we first started seeing each other, she said, “I want to pimp you out to other women.”  My issue is that I can’t play with anyone I don’t find attractive.  So the solution we came up with is for her to pimp me out to women I find attractive (and who aren’t batshit crazy.)  In other words, women who I’d be ok playing with.  The terms of the pimpery are up to her; she can loan me out for whatever kind of use she likes.  I’m not quite sure what exactly she had in mind with that “I want to pimp you out to other women”, but I’m sure she’s not going to tell me either.
  • Playing with and/or getting sexual with a trans woman.  I’ve experienced strap-on play plenty of times, but never a bio-cock.  I’ve run into some very attractive trans women, but one thing or another prevented me from approaching, whether it was time constraints, not feeling well, or already having a bunch of scenes lined up.  I’m still *very* curious about this though.
  • Whipped until bloody – We’ve done some bloodplay with the Flogger of Doom, and it was incredible.  We’ve talked a little about going further with this type of play, with her whipping me with the Flogger of Doom and other implements until blood is dripping down my legs.  But our choice of venue would be rather limited since this would splatter blood everywhere.  A tarp wouldn’t be enough coverage since it’d only cover the floor and furniture.  Though a large tarp in my own place could be workable.
  • Her spitting on the ground or floor, stepping in it and twisting her foot around in it, then making me lick her spit from the sole of her boot or shoe.  This is just nasty and hot.  I really like the “dirty” aspect of this.
  • Just like the previous item, but without the spit.  Her making me lick the soles of her boots/shoes clean probably isn’t something I’d enjoy in the moment, but I think it’s one of those things that would be really hot afterward.  And it would push me, which is always a plus.  Update– We tried this the other night.  According to her, my face said “Please don’t make me do this!” but my cock was hard the entire time.  This was incredibly sexy!  Just plain wow.  The point of veiw and the nastiness of being made to clean the dirt and daily random crud from her boots really got me hot.
  • Strawberry shake- Like many other things, this started out as a joke, but then it turned sexy.  She was teasing me about slipping some strawberries up her ass and leaving them there for a while, then making me eat them off the floor.  Jokingly at first, but when she saw how it made me squirm and that it wasn’t a limit, she started pressing a little more.  Bleh.  That’d be just plain nasty.  And really difficult.  Still, the control aspect of it really strikes me.  Especially since she told me I wouldn’t have a choice in the matter; that easily made it ten times hotter.  And dominating the mouth is very much a hot-button form of play for me.  Ever since we had this conversation, it’s been stuck in my head, like a song that just keeps repeating.

So there’s a lot here, some of which we’ve tried and some we haven’t.  Almost any of these could easily be added to our play on a regular basis if we enjoy them.  That’s one thing I like about bdsm- there’s always something new to learn and explore.  Even after doing this for a decade, there are still dozens of things to try.  And there are still lots of things that make me fidget or tremble in fear.


Forced feminization can be a contentious topic.  Some find it highly insulting, others find it incredibly sexy, while still others are indifferent or somewhere in the middle.

People often take issue with the “forced” part of the phrase.  No, it’s not truly forced, I agree.  It’s more often something the domme pressures or orders the sub/slave to do.  There’s no gun to anyone’s head.  There may be threats involved (e.g. you’d better do this, or I’m locking you in chastity for two years) but it’s not truly forced.

By far the biggest issue people take with forced fem is that they assume all the practitioners of forced fem see femininity itself as humiliating, thus being insulting to women.  That’s a valid point, but only if the practitioners in question actually do see it that way.  I don’t view it this way personally.  I rather like femininity.  In fact, I find it beautiful.  I’m much more attracted to feminine women than butch women.  Femininity is a big plus in my book.  Femininity can be sexy, and it’s the flavor of sexy I go for.  While I try to be the masculine flavor of sexy, I fall for feminine sexy.

The draw of forced fem to me is multi-tiered.  Yes, I find it erotically humiliating, but not because of being made feminine.  It’s that I’m being made (even if temporarily) to look like something I’m not.  I’m a man being pushed into what is essentially a caricature of femininity.  On top of that, I don’t even come close to passing, so some of the humiliation comes from that as well.  Another thing that gives this type of play an edge is that it’s semi-taboo in society; men who dress as women are often laughed at.  Plus there’s a big d/s element there for me.  This is one of the more prevalent aspects of forced fem that I get into.  I can’t be pushed really hard with forced fem (or most other things) with just anyone; there’s got to be a strong d/s dynamic in place for this to work.  So I get the charge of being dominated, made to do something I don’t want to do, when we engage in this.  There’s a heavy control aspect with this, especially if it’s in public.  It seems doing this in public magnifies the humiliation as well as the d/s component.  So there you have a tangled knot of reasons I find this a worthwhile form of play.


Some forms of play petrify me.  They’re not exactly hard limits, but they instill in me a deep dread.  These are things that push me hard, things that would have me in a quivering heap on the floor by the end of it.  Some of these things may look hot from a distance; but the closer I get to the reality, the more I want to back away.  Most of the things I’m currently curious about fall into this category.

This hit me a little while back with cum play.  T made me eat my cum a few times, and it reminded me how slimy and nasty cum is.  The fantasy, from a distance, was mostly “yes”, but once reality set in, there was a very strong “no” there, standing in direct opposition to the “yes” invoked by her control of me.

Last night, something similar happened.  We’d had a conversation a while back about public humiliation, and she’s said she wants to start doing some with me, pushing harder and harder over time.  Some of the ideas we tossed back and forth were public foot-kissing, ass-kissing, face-spitting, and taking me out fully crossdressed.  All of these things we talked about doing in a crowded, kid-less part of town.  Last night we were in one such part of town, and it was crowded, as expected for a Saturday night.  Suddenly I remembered the humiliation conversation, and the bubble of fear started to rise from my stomach.  At one point, she shot me an “I want to hurt you” look, and I thought, “This is it, she’s about to make my face red.  Fuck.”

When we got to the car at the end of the night without any humiliation, I relaxed.  I was relieved that she chose not to humiliate me that night, and that reaction made me think.  It’s odd that certain fantasies are full of sexy as they play out in our heads, but when we come close to actually doing them, there’s a part of me that just wants to run away.  I find it tasty that she can force me to go through it, and even tastier that she genuinely gets off on making me do these things that I may not really want to do.  It brings the d/s to the forefront, making it much more tangible in that moment.


Don’t Get Your Panties in a Bunch- Use Them as a Gag Instead

I’ve seen widely varying opinions on forced feminization. Some see it as hot, some see it as sexist, and for some, it’s an obsession.

To be clear, I’m not talking about truly forcing someone with a gun to his head. I’m talking about the use of force in a bdsm sense.

In the local community, not many couples openly practice it. While I do have some experience with it, it’s not something I talk about locally, even though I’m very open (in the bdsm community) about my other interests and experiences. The main reason for that is that many people in the bdsm community tend to associate forced feminization with pushy, self-centered sissy maid types who are only interested in this one thing. Many women are bombarded on various bdsm sites by messages from these types of people. I’ve been in the local scene for about seven years now, so people know me well. Even the new people know me since I co-host a monthly gateway meeting for people who are new to the scene. So I don’t think they’d be so quick to associate that type of person with me if they found out I occasionally partake in this type of play. Then again, I am pretty pessimistic and misanthropic, so I don’t fully trust people enough to let this information out there. There are a handful of people who know, generally because they’ve also expressed an interest in or experience with this. But mostly I keep it under wraps because of the connotations people automatically assume in relation to this style of play. And I find it a shame that I can’t be more open with it, but that’s slowly changing as the community grows.

In regard to forced fem being sexist, I think it depends on your approach and attitude. With some people, it’s an identity thing. It’s part of who they are. For others, it’s a form of humiliation. For me, it’s not about identity. I’m not genderqueer, transsexual, or a crossdresser. I’m also not the hyper-masculine, arrogant, scratch-your-balls-and-belch type, but I do identify as a hetero man. Forced feminization is about erotic humiliation with me.

If you come to it with the attitude of, “femininity is degrading” or, “it’s a lesser state of being”, then yes, it’s most definitely sexist. Personally, I find femininity beautiful, and I’m much more attracted to feminine women than to butch women. Not the uber-feminine spoiled princess types who are afraid to get their hands dirty though. The humiliation to me comes from the fact that being frilly and feminine isn’t who I am.

The loss of control that I feel also carries a powerful charge. It’s almost a form of forcible erotic identity theft. We interact with the world, among other ways, through our appearance. Having that taken away, being made to take on the appearance or qualities that aren’t my own, has a certain d/s spark to it.

Because of the association with pushy sissy maids as well as the volatile potential for sexist accusations, I have to keep this particular form of play between me and a small group of close friends within the community. That doesn’t prevent me from experiencing it in private scenes though. Maybe this will all change in time, and I’m doing my part to erode peoples’ presuppositions about it.