Laughing at Female Supremacists

It always makes me laugh when people feel the need to turn bdsm into some inane sociopolitical movement. It happens both in the femdom and maledom crowds; each thinks they have “evidence” for why this is supposedly the natural order of things. They come up with all sorts of weakly contrived reasons as to why their particular group of choice is superior to others. Hitler used the same approach.

The female supremacists seem to be on a Quixotic quest to spread their vision to the world. They fail to realize that these are their personal interests, not a grand social reform agenda. While it’s natural to want to tell others about the things we love, it’s childish to think that everyone else should feel the same way.

“If women ruled the world…” is their battle cry. They pitch all sorts of utopian scenarios, all the while typing with one hand. If you want to know what kind of job women would do in positions of power, look around. They’re screwing things up just as much as the male politicians. Stupidity and greed know no gender.

What makes me laugh even harder is the fact that the majority of female supremacists have very little, if any, actual experience with real-time bdsm. Obviously there are exceptions, but I’ve found this to be mostly true. The majority of people in the scene (in person, not online) don’t hold anything even vaguely resembling these beliefs. I think that if most female supremacists had a chance to experience what they’re pushing for, they wouldn’t last a day. In fact, upon meeting a real-life dominant woman, most would wet themselves and run.

If you want to believe that boys have cooties, go right ahead. Having your own beliefs isn’t completely illegal yet. Just know that sexism is no different than racism.

All Your Femdom Are Belong to Us

For a while, I’ve been considering joining one of the big bdsm sites out there like alt or collarme. One thing is holding me back: unrealistic assbuckets who don’t know what bdsm is like in real life.

In the local scene, all my friends take a very realistic approach to bdsm. We experience it. We know what it’s like, and we work it into our lives.

Online, it’s different. People are obsessed with d/s. Some “dominant” women online expect a sub to jump through all sorts of pointless hoops just for the supposed privilege of talking with them. Huge egos are common.

They often expect that the sub will have a housework fetish; if not, then he’s not “really” submissive. So many of these supposedly dominant women try to use d/s as an excuse to justify their own personal laziness and greed. They don’t realize that there’s a difference between “dominant woman” and “lazy, conceited, selfish twat”. Lots of them have an unrealistic gorean expectation that the sub will be “on” most (if not all) of the time, and that all they have to do is sit back and make their desires known. Don’t contribute. Don’t dominate. Don’t make an effort. After all, he’s submissive, making effort is his responsibility.

Rather than adding bdsm to a loving relationship, they sometimes try to eliminate the loving foundation and base it on “I’m dominant, you’re submissive. So we do things my way.” That just doesn’t work for a long-term relationship.

It’s not just the doms though. There’s the whole “subbier-than-thou” attitude exhibited by many. The constant one-upmanship is an ineffectual attempt at impressing the doms. These guys are constantly trying to gain ground at the expense of others. Contrast that with the local scene, where subs (well, everyone, really) try to help and support each other. The subs see it as a cutthroat competition. And the doms often foster that attitude since it benefits them.

I’m a pessimistic bastard. I realize this. And I’m sure there are a lot of quality people out there who know what bdsm is like in an actual in-the-flesh relationship. But the number of overly idealistic role-players out there make me wonder if it’s worth it to join a site like that.

Taking the Sexy out of Femdom

I keep running across phrases like “application to serve” and “contract negotiations”.  While I understand what people mean when they say them, these words carry a distant, unemotional feel.  These people seem to forget one basic truth though: it’s a relationship, not a business transaction.

Femdom is sexy.  Femdom is fun.  It’s not about some emotionless interaction.  It’s not about mundane “tasks”.  It’s not about some unrealistic gorean expectation that the sub will magically derive pleasure from doing housework.

The sub stoically struggling against the pain he’s feeling, enduring more for the dom’s pleasure,  the dom laughing and enjoying the torment, sweat and blood dripping down, muscles tensing and straining against the bonds, the confident air about the dom, the smile on her face as the cane tears into the sub’s flesh, the look of fear and anticipation in the sub’s eyes………yeah.  That’s sexy.  That’s femdom.

There’s no need for S/strange C/capitalization or bland, repetitive protocol.  No need to forsake love just because d/s entered the equation.  No need for “service”; after all, in a relationship, both people serve each other, regardless of d/s.

Sure, it may feel like an interview when you first go out with someone, or when you’re trying to set up a scene.  But why turn it into a cold, soulless business meeting?  We’re not talking about expense ratios and profit margins.  We’re talking about real, tangible, intimate bonds.  Why not treat it as such rather than taking all the sexy out of it?  With some people, it’s like going to H&R Block……fill out this form, list your experiences here, provide references, fill out form 162b in triplicate, pay a processing fee, blah blah blah…

Lots of people are passionate about femdom.  That’s not a bad thing.  But all the talk of applications, service, and contracts tends to stifle that enthusiasm in many.

More Rhetoric from the Femdom Police

So often I see online (and occasionally in person) someone saying that d/s is all about the domme’s desires or some variation on that.  “It’s not about what you want.  Your desires don’t matter.”  Um, yeah.  About that.

That kind of idealistic gorean approach may work in some chat room role-play, but in flesh-and-blood relationships, it doesn’t fly.  In a real-world d/s relationship, both people are important.  It’s not about one person.  If the sub isn’t getting his or her needs met, why stick around?  The sub will instead find someone who does care, rather than staying with some whiny, self-centered fucknoodle.

Lots of subs fall into this way of thinking too.  Some who are in relationships often try to make themselves out to be martyrs by proclaiming that they put the domme’s desires first and forsake their own.  In reality, both people in those relationships are shooting for the same target.  They want the same thing.  It could just as easily be said that they’re chasing their own desires first since they want the same thing the dommes want.  So how can these subs say that they’re putting their own desires last when they’re going after exactly what they want?  How can they justify this “all about the domme” attitude?

This is often answered with more flimsy propaganda which anyone capable of independent thought can see through.  “A sub is supposed to derive pleasure from serving, not from having their own needs met.”  Can you say “bullshit”, boys and girls?  Very good!  Being submissive does not eliminate basic human qualities from one’s being.  We still have our own thoughts, feelings, needs, and faults.  If we aren’t getting our needs met, if we’re not happy in our relationships, doing some housework isn’t going to fix anything.  “Serving” cannot fill the voids in other areas.  It’s not going to magically make all our desires disappear.

While I advocate seeking the things you enjoy, don’t take it to an extreme.  We’ve all come across the subs who think all dominant women are dominance machines who are always up for anything.  “I want to do this and this and this, and I don’t care what you want.”  That selfish approach isn’t good, whether you’re dominant or submissive.  (Yet it’s often tolerated among those who call themselves dominant.  Probably because there are so many online wankers who are desperate enough to put up with it.)  This is just as bad as the “dominant” men and women who think that TPE is the default setting, and that the sub should do almost anything without question.  In real life, compromise happens.  Yes, even when there’s d/s involved.  A d/s relationship is not a take-it-or-leave-it situation.  Same goes for casual play.  Both people need to work out what they want from the experience and what things they’re more flexible with.  Being dominant does not give anybody a monopoly on having their needs met.

It is about you.  It’s also about the other person.  It’s about the two of you.  Is that really such a hard concept?  All the other aspects of the relationship are not thrown out just because d/s becomes a part of it.

There’s nothing wrong with having needs and desires.  And there’s nothing wrong with pursuing those desires.  Even if you’re submissive.  If you don’t go after what you want, you’ll probably never find it.  Don’t listen to those who say that it’s not about your desires or that you shouldn’t go after what you want.  You are the main character in your life.  Make it what you want it to be.

Stealth Submission

Lots of people online talk about how they’re trying to turn their wives on to bdsm.  Some actually (*gasp*) talk about it with their partners.  This is generally the more successful route.

Others try stealth submission.  And plenty of people give advice, advocating this approach.  They tell people things along these lines-

If you want your wife to dominate you, start doing all the housework.  Do the laundry, the dishes, cook all the meals, clean, all without complaint.  Stop disagreeing with herShe’s always right from now on, so what she says goes, in every situation.  Spend lots of money on her, or even hand over all your paychecks.  Encourage her to take other lovers, and start wearing a chastity device.

There are a ton of problems with this approach.  It baffles me that this is advocated so frequently on message boards and groups.

First off, this is not going to turn someone into something she’s not.  She’s not going to come out with a strap-on and piss in your mouth just because you do the housework.  If anything, someone who gets accustomed to not doing their share of the housework will become lazy and selfish.  There’s a big difference between lazy and dominant.  Taking this approach can only lead to a spoiled, whiny princess.  Even if it doesn’t lead to that, it doesn’t mean she’s going to be dominant.  She may just think, “Oh, he’s doing the housework.  How nice.”  It won’t compel her to dominate.  This will not hit some magical domme button inside her.

The idea of never again disagreeing is another common tenet of this approach.  Giving in in every area won’t lead to a dominant woman.  It’ll lead her to take advantage of you and walk all over you.  This gives her free reign to do whatever she likes, without repercussions.  “That’s okay”, they argue, “It’s all about her desires, not his.”  What happens when she does something that’s too much?  What happens when this guy who’s been fantasizing about femdom suddenly realizes that he’s human and has limits?  It’s too late now; she has total power.

Plus, these guys forget that they are the ones their wives and girlfriends fell in love with.  Changing into someone else, acting weak, and becoming a spineless little puppet might cause their wives to fall out of love with them.  Maybe she fell in love with a man who is in control, someone confident.  When he starts becoming a sniveling, obsequious wimp, she’s going to bail.

Stealth submission is advocated as an alternative to actual communication.  But if someone can’t (or won’t) communicate freely, what chance do they have of making bdsm work for them?  A bdsm relationship requires open communication.  If you don’t have that, it won’t work.

To be fair, it’s important to consider the source.  Most of the guys who advocate this approach have little or no experience with femdom.  That high level of idealism is a mark of inexperience.  Maybe they’ve gone to see pros a few times, or maybe they role-play in chat while they wank on webcams.  The majority of them have never had anything resembling a femdom relationship.  And with this approach, they never will.

I’m a horse…

…and I never knew it.  At least that’s what some people tell me.  They want me to be part of some “stable” of subs.  Invariably, I laugh and refuse to have any part of it.

Whether it’s romantic, sexual, emotional, or play, one-sided poly is not going to happen.  Period.  I’m not going to be faithful to someone who isn’t willing to give me the same.  Either it’s monogamy or poly; I’ve done both.  But if someone I’m with is going to try to hold herself to a different standard than she holds me to, we’re going to have problems.  If you want monogamy, we can do that.  If you want poly, then I’m going to have other partners as well.

Too often, the people espousing this lopsided arrangement want the benefits of poly without the responsibilities.  They want multiple partners, yet they can’t handle the jealousy they feel when their partners have someone else.  If you can’t handle it, don’t do it.  It’s called personal responsibility.  Try it sometime.

Some say, “You can only serve one person” or, “You can only have one domme.”  Why is that?  No one has ever been able to answer that question.  It’s very possible for some people to juggle multiple relationships.  If they’re talking about the emotional connection, it runs both ways.  Unless we’re talking about some online domme with an army of part-time wankers.  That’s more of a casual arrangement with guys who don’t want anything that takes up any real part of their lives.  Log in, role-play for a while, then get back to your life for a week or so.  That may work for some people, but for an in-the-flesh relationship, there are bound to be problems with this arrangement if any of the subs have a sense of self-worth.  The only exception I can think of is if both people have a cuckolding fetish.  Even then, it’d still be important to be on the same page as far as emotions, intimacy, and sex.

Why should I sit on a shelf and collect dust?  Why should I wait, unsatisfied, while the one I care about is getting her ya-ya’s out with someone else?  I deserve better than that.  Of course, that means I’m not a Real True Slave®.  I never claimed to be.

The whole “poly for dommes only” idea is a joke.

crackheads abound

Some words and phrases in bdsm make me shudder.  Not so much for the words themselves, but for the connotations they have in my head, gleaned from my experiences.

A couple titles have this effect on me.  One is “goddess”.  Most of the people I’ve run into who bestow this title on themselves are arrogant and insecure.  These are usually the ones who have to put others down in order to feel good about themselves.  This level of arrogance surpasses even male doms, some of whom are notoriously arrogant.  How many men do you know who seriously call themselves gods?  If you’re constantly having to prop yourself up and give yourself lofty titles, alway seeking confirmation of your exalted status, that’s not a sign of strength.  It’s one of weakness.

Another cringe-inducing title is “princess”.  Eew.  Whether it’s in a bdsm context or a ‘nilla one, it smacks of laziness, greed, and self-centeredness.  There’s a big difference between “dominant woman” and “whiny, spoiled, self-entitled brat”.  They often take the “gimmie gimmie gimmie” approach; rather than being dominant, they just sit back and make demands.  They usually have an “it’s all about me” attitude as well.  To that self-absorbed attitude, I say that’s alright……if it’s all about you, I don’t need to be in the picture.  Bye.

And some people are desperate enough to put up with these attitudes since it’s the closest they’ll ever get to anything remotely resembling bdsm.  Thankfully, this is much more common online than it is in the real world.