Humiliation Rumination

24 hours ago, I was in another state, having a fun scene with a couple women whose company I found I rather enjoyed.  This was a 2-on-1 scene; I love the energy of those type of scenes.  Prior to this, we did the usual negotiation that you do for casual play.  One of them asked me how I felt about humiliation.  The short answer I gave is that humiliation is hit-or-miss for me and that I may possibly be up for something if it’s a strong interest of theirs.  I generally don’t do much of this type of play with people I haven’t played with before.  Humiliation is so individual that I generally don’t pursue it unless we’ve got a scene or two under our belt together.  Or at least have a really long conversation first.

That simple question made me think on the drive home today.  I still don’t know why certain types of humiliation work or don’t work for me.  I’m not well-read in psychology.  But the first step in finding out the “why” is sorting out what works and what doesn’t.

I already know that the logical side of my brain gets in the way of some things.  For example, small cock humiliation.  I’ve been in enough locker rooms (and around the BDSM community long enough) to know that I’m average size and proportional to my body.  And my brain also blocks all the stereotypical “not a real man” or “worthless” stuff.  That kind of approach makes me think, “If you don’t feel I’m worth your time, there’s the door.  Bye now.”

Other forms of humiliation that I know definitely don’t work for me are what I call “stupid human tricks”.  These are things that are done for the top’s amusement but carry no erotic value, e.g. ridiculous costumes, singing silly songs, or acting the fool at the top’s direction to elicit laughter.  Don’t get me wrong, being laughed at can be über-hot; but sadistic laughter is totally different than “you’re pathetic and I can’t believe you’re doing this” laughter.  Sadistic laughter can get me in to that delectable melty headspace, but the latter completely pulls me out of the scene.

What does work?  Many of the things that work for me are physical in nature and carry some level of social connotation.

Face-spitting is one that hits that button really well.  Forcefully launching a mouthful of saliva right at someone’s face is widely considered insulting, and it also carries that “I just spit in your face- What are you going to do about it?” vibe.  Derogatory, degrading, and very powerful.  Precisely why it appeals to me so much.

Being made to clean the dirt from the soles of the top’s shoes or boots also lands pretty squarely near the humiliation bullseye for me.  It’s just flat-out dirty and disgusting.  It’s literally the lowest point on that person’s being.  I’ve only experienced this a couple times, but based on those experiences, the humiliation factor is fairly strong.

Armpit licking is another I have pretty limited experience with.  Obviously this is best done with no deodorant, as 15-syllable chemicals aren’t the best thing to be ingesting.  Armpits carry that dirty, nasty connotation that I so adore.  Being made to do this involves feeling a certain indignity and powerlessness.  Yow.

Forced feminization (I know, not truly “forced”) is something I’ve touched on before and won’t go into detail in here.  In short, I don’t see femininity as humiliating.  I find this type of play humiliating because it’s playing with all the bullshit crammed down our throats from a young age.  We’re “supposed to” act this way or that because of the way we were born, and anything other than that is cause for social repercussions.  Using this social stigma as a source of humiliation in BDSM is a way of taking life’s BS and making something erotic out of it.  I liken it to women who get off on being called “slut” or “whore”; they’re taught not to be those things by society, and so they take that pressure and turn it into the sexy during a scene.

I imagine the top washing my mouth out with a bar of soap would also carry a strong humiliation groove.  This is pure speculation, but I think since the act carries a certain amount of authoritarian vibe as well as the pure nastiness of it, it would likely have a humiliating effect.

There aren’t any forms of verbal humiliation listed here.  That’s because I haven’t yet found any solid forms of verbal humiliation that consistently have that same kind of effect on me.  To be fair, I haven’t experienced a ton of verbal humiliation, but most of the times I have, it was met on my part with indifference, disbelief, or genuine anger.  We’ve just started to explore cuckolding (as individual scenes, not as a relationship dynamic) and this might possibly provide an effective angle for some verbal.  I’m not real sure what it’d take to hit that verbal humiliation bullseye.  In the meantime, I’m going to keep wandering around this kinky landscape and explore as much as I can.

Humiliation is Bad, M’kay?

I frequently see people online complaining that all practitioners of feminization (as a form of humiliation play) are misogynistic assholes.  While this is flat-out wrong (especially in assuming that all who share a fetish also share a hive mentality) I’ve already covered my thoughts on why this is. I’m not going to beat that into the ground.  The short answer is that some are, some aren’t.

What I find strange is these same peoples’ silence over something very similar, especially since they’re normally so outraged about feminization as humiliation.

One very common form of verbal humiliation is to call the bottom things like “slut” or “whore”.  This is much more common among female bottoms.  It’s essentially slut-shaming as a kink.  Why do they consider this ok but not feminization?  If people get off on being shamed for being/appearing “X”, then according to the anti-feminization peoples’ logic, they must feel that “X” itself is shameful and bad.  Personally I’d much rather delve into each person’s reasons for getting off on these things before passing judgement, but for those who like to lump everyone of one group into a category, where is the outrage?

In my opinion, many of them are simply playing with the shame society thrusts upon promiscuous women.  So if that’s easy to understand, why is doing the exact same thing with feminization an issue?  Society also thrusts shame on men who dress as women.  How is that any different?  It’s playing with society’s assbaggery and making something sexy out of it.

Likewise, what about those into small-cock humiliation?  Do they really feel that everyone with a small dick is worthy of ridicule?  Or is it simply something that pushes these peoples’ buttons?  I tend to go with the latter.  People can be erotically humiliated by a lot of different things, but it doesn’t mean that they’re against people who possess whatever particular quality they’re playing with.

Can we please stop trying to group everyone into our own little boxes and assigning our own thought processes to them?  Most Muslims are not terrorists.  Most Christians are not of the Westboro Baptist variety.  Judge people as individuals rather than making your own assumptions about what motivates them and how they feel.

Talking the Talk

I was talking with a friend who cuckolds her partner.  She mentioned that language is one powerful aspect of this that really pushes her partner’s buttons.  He gets off on a betrayal or cheating theme, as well as small cock humiliation, so those words and any associated with them will get him worked up.

This conversation made me wonder what words might do the trick for me in regard to this type of play.  While those specific examples that work for him possibly might not work for me, eventually I realized there are certain words and phrases that can add some major spark to it.  These have all come up when T has been taunting me about cuckolding.  Some examples:

  • “make you watch”
  • “clean me up”
  • “fucking other men”
  • “sucking his cock”
  • “make him cum while you’re locked up”
  • “right in front of you”
  • “lick up his cum”
  • and even simply the word “cuckold” – I realized this during a recent scene with a friend who asked, “How was the cuckolding?” as a form of verbal humiliation.  It worked rather well in that regard.  (She was asking about this scene.)

These phrases all seem to trip that yes/no trigger in which I want it to stop yet my cock is standing at attention.  (They also bring forth a lot of mental imagery, and I’m a very visually-oriented person.)  Common elements in those phrases seem to be humiliation, denial, and especially unfairness, all of which tend to be strong themes in cuckolding to begin with.  Pointing these things out and rubbing them in my face really seems to accentuate the power imbalance.  Of course, like any other form of play, doing it makes talking about it pale in comparison.  At least that’s the case based on my experience with it so far.  That scene was more powerful than any of the words used to describe it.  So actions will always trump words with me; however, these particular words and phrases still carry a pretty solid impact and push some major buttons with me.

The Legendary Ultra-Secret Femdom Parties (Shhh…)

Over the years, multiple people have approached me asking my thoughts on having femdom parties in our local community.  While it’s doable, I’m not actively pursuing the idea.  On one hand, it would be a fantastic way for women who are new to dominance (or men new to submission) to become more comfortable with doing things publicly.  It would also provide a ton of ideas for other people to try.  And an environment like that is a terrific place for men to become more comfortable showing this facet of themselves in public without worrying about being seen as “less than” other men.  It’s a place where they’re free from all the societal baggage and chest-beating bullshit we deal with every day.

But there can be a downside as well.  I’ve been to some femdom parties in other cities, as well as talked with quite a few close friends who have gone to these types of parties too.  There are often some commonalities that can’t be ignored.

At many femdom parties, the attendees drift into a female-supremacy mindset.  For the submissive men, there can be a feeling of being looked down on.  Simultaneously, quite a few of the women carry an air of superiority and even spite towards the men in attendance.  Seems a bit counterproductive to me.  (Some parties I’d been to in Columbus were far better in this aspect, as we were treated as actual people by most of those in attendance.)

It’s not uncommon for women at these types of events to expect any sub they choose to fall at their feet and do exactly as they say.  I’ll pass on that.  I don’t play with random people.  On top of that, service is not something I do casually.  I don’t give my submission away to just anyone.  I’m not going to bow to you just because you identify as dominant and are in my proximity.  If my submission didn’t have any value, it wouldn’t mean anything when I do give it to someone.

I also see groupthink come into play at parties like that.  One woman does something, so a few other doms in the room like the idea and feel they need to instantly do the same.  Then the others think they’ll feel out of place if they don’t play along.  One-upmanship can become prevalent as well; The women there want to show off their massive domly skills (whether in play or d/s) and so they do something to flex their dom muscles.  Not to be outdone, someone else goes a step further.  Soon the subs aren’t even treated as if they’re involved anymore, simply tools in some silly competition.  It may or may not be seen as a direct competition as it’s happening; I’m more a fan of doing kink one’s own way rather than competing with others.

Humiliation is frequent at femdom parties.  While I find humiliation both hot and scary, the stupid-human-tricks variety more commonly practiced there isn’t my thing.  It’s actually a limit for me.  In other words, they often do humiliation not for erotic purposes, but more for entertainment or amusement.  The doms make the subs do ridiculous non-kink things just so they can make fun of them.  That feels closer to emotional abuse to me, and I don’t partake.

For all those reasons, I don’t attend a lot of those parties or events, instead choosing more mixed gatherings.  Many of the attendees at femdom parties gave me a bad impression, so much so that I decided to rarely attend, even when I was single.  I feel most of these problems could be bypassed with house rules or a paragraph or two in the event write-up.  It may be a tricky balance though, as it would be easy to make it feel overly restrictive.  We may do a one-off party or event at some point, so avoiding these issues would definitely be a priority.  The difficult part is finding a balance between making people feel comfortable and not making them feel too bogged down by rules.

White Meat? Dark Meat? Who Cares?

Even before cuckolding was on my radar, I’d noticed a prevalence of race play intertwined with it.  After having an experience with cuckolding (and realizing it really got me hot in spite of me wanting it to stop) I started digging around a little more.  And even after looking around in more depth, I see race is still a huge factor for a lot of people.  In nearly every cuckolding resource I’ve looked into, there’s a huge element of race play going on.  The consensus seems to be that when the other man is black, it’s more humiliating and thus a more powerful experience.  (I have a problem with that thinking, but I’ll get into that later in this post.)  A local friend (and cuckoldress) gave her thoughts on this recently, and her perspective made me think.  She was essentially saying that it was playing into the stereotypes of black men being more masculine and more of a threat to the sub’s masculinity.

Men in general are taught from a young age that we have to be hyper-competitive, never show emotion, always be ready for sex, know how to tear an engine apart, etc.  From talking with some black friends, this pressure is even stronger in black culture.  (Full disclosure: As a pasty white guy, I’m no expert on what it’s like to be black; this is just an outsider’s perspective.)  There seems to be much more of a push for black men to toe the line in this area.  So I don’t find it too surprising that they’re perceived as more masculine by some.  (In a way I pity the fact that they have to deal with that level of societal pressure though; I find the amount I have to put up with is already incredibly irritating, so I can’t imagine what it must be like for them.)

So I can somewhat understand the perception of added masculinity considering the way many black men are more heavily indoctrinated with these stereotypes.  However, cuckolding is infused with humiliation.  It’s one of the main reasons to do it.  In that context, I’ve always seen the racial element as insulting to the other man.  Why should the woman fucking a black guy make it more humiliating for the sub?  It always seemed a rather racist mindset to me.  Sort of a “She’s fucking someone else?  That’s humiliating.  Wait, he’s black?  Now that’s low.”  I just don’t get why the other man’s race should make it more humiliating for the sub.

Maybe I don’t understand it because I don’t perceive cuckolding in general as a threat to my masculinity. I’ve never gotten anything out of the whole “not a real man” stuff; I tend to laugh it off. Either that or I take the approach of, “If you have a problem with me, we can talk about it outside of a scene and work towards a solution. If you feel I’m a waste of your time, there’s the door.”  I feel that (for best results) the sub should be secure in himself before engaging in cuckolding.  And so I don’t feel threatened by it or by the other man.  If it’s someone who is perceived as more masculine than me, so what?  I don’t place much value in many of society’s measuring sticks.  I’ve got more important things in my life.

All that said, I feel it’s possible to have fantasies like that without it bleeding over into everyday life.  There are a lot of politically incorrect forms of play out there, and people should feel free to enjoy them as long as they don’t rub them in others’ faces or take any of those -isms to heart.  It’s a matter of personal choice as to whether one should risk doing (or talking about) certain things in the community.  Sometimes it’s worth it, and other times not.  Bringing things into the public eye will always invoke disapproval from some, especially when it’s a highly charged or contentious topic.  But it can be worth it in the sense that it unites those who do enjoy it, and it can be an educational experience for a lot of people.  It may even give someone inspiration to try something new.

Putting Kink in Reverse

For years, face slapping was always rather hot to me.  Not so much the pain itself, but more the social connotations of it and the helplessness aspect.  Doing this to someone is essentially saying, “I’m doing something to you that’s very insulting, and you can’t do a thing about it!”  The appeal is similar to that of face-spitting, though the latter is far more powerful to me as a tool of humiliation.

But slowly, face slapping had been becoming more of a negative experience with me.  I noticed this just starting to happen 4 or 5 years ago in my last relationship.  It was a very slow fade.  I remember having a really hot face slapping scene with my last partner that went really well.  Yet over time, something started to change and I’m not sure why.  So I mentioned this to T a while back, and we agreed to try to reclaim face slapping.  We started a scene that was nothing but face slapping.  I ended up safewording after a couple minutes.  It put me in a reeeeeeally bad headspace.  I got pissed.  I wasn’t pissed at her since I knew her intentions were good, so there was no real direction for my rage.  It took me a few minutes to calm down.  I couldn’t even stay still and ended up pacing around until I got my head back together.

So I’ve added slapping to my limits list for casual play partners.  T is the only one who has that option.  It’s just not something I’m willing to do for anyone but her at this point.

After giving it a few months and thinking about it, I realized a couple things that may have been part of the problem.  One is that there was no real recovery time between each slap.  Maybe five seconds at most.  For a lot of play involving pain, I need a bit more than that in order to process the pain; otherwise it becomes too much.  (As an aside, more recovery time also adds to the casual confidence and the “toying with the sub” vibe.)  The other part of it is that on many other occasions when face slapping has happened during a scene, it was very sudden and unexpected.  It took me off guard and pulled me somewhat out of the scene mentally almost every time.  So those two things may be part of the key to making this work.  It’s something I’m willing to experiment with more (not right away as I’m recovering from an unrelated concussion) but I’m not super eager to.  I would like to reclaim the eroticism of slapping, but I also worry about a repeat of last time.  If we want that to happen, we’ll just have to push past that concern and give it a go.

Another Piece of the Puzzle in Place

In my last relationship, I was with someone who wanted to cuckold me.  I always immediately shot the idea down.  Wouldn’t even consider it.  It was very much in hard limit territory.  But toward the end of that relationship, my fantasies started to shift a little, as they tend to do over time.  Cuckolding was still a hard limit, but a scene involving being made to eat another man’s cum started to creep into my head now and then.  I’d been made to eat my own cum on plenty of occasions, but there was a tiny spark of curiosity developing; I had a feeling it would be more intense and more d/s-ish if it were another man’s cum.

Those conflicting feelings ate at me.  I couldn’t figure out why I could be open to doing that one thing, yet still be a brick wall when it came to cuckolding in general.  It took me a long time, but I sorted it out.

Cuckolding had always been framed up to me as a relationship dynamic.  That was seemingly the only way to do it.  The dom could go out and fuck whoever she wanted, with or without the sub present.  There could be feelings involved with the other men they fucked (sort of a one-sided poly) or they could just be fuck buddies.  I met women at events and talked with others online who wanted to get into cuckolding because it gave them the benefits of poly and/or swinging without the responsibilities; they didn’t want to share their partners with anyone else, yet they wanted to share themselves with others.  It’s a rather lousy thing to tell someone through your actions, “You’re going to learn to handle the heavy emotional baggage involved with this dynamic, but I’m not willing to make the same effort for you.”  This really rubbed me the wrong way as it’s a horribly selfish way to approach a supposedly loving relationship.

In trying to figure it out, I saw all the typical portrayals in femdom and cuckolding groups online, and for some reason, I believed them.  I watched the pitiful, emasculated subs being told they were nothing.  I read the disdain from the other men (fuck buddies, bulls, whatever you want to call them.)  I witnessed the way the women in the groups talked about how their sub’s needs didn’t matter at all since they were disposable and useless.  I started to believe this crap, not realizing it was yet another stereotypical porn fantasy.  I didn’t realize there are so many other ways to do cuckolding.

The cuckolding purists (every group has its overzealous purists) may disagree.  The standard definition of cuckolding is that the couple is married.  And the sub doesn’t get to fuck anyone else or play with anyone else.  Sometimes he doesn’t even fuck his own wife.

In reality, it doesn’t have to be that way.  It’s possible to do cuckolding as an individual scene rather than as a relationship dynamic.  Marriage isn’t necessary to make this happen either.  This is where I stumbled when I first started having those fantasies; I didn’t separate the stereotypes from the reality of it.  For some reason I hadn’t considered that doing a scene like this was even an option.  I thought it had to be the porn cliché or nothing.  It seems that those who get into this in a non-stereotypical way are far less vocal, so I never saw it.

After all that time arguing with myself, tossing ideas around in my head, and wondering why I couldn’t figure this out, I finally have it nailed down.  It simply comes down to cuckolding as a relationship dynamic vs. cuckolding as an individual scene.  While the former is still firmly in hard limit territory for me, the latter can be a mind-blowing, incredibly hot, oh-fuck-please-make-it-stop type of ordeal.  A scene like this can be a shared experience rather than an exercise in selfishness.  Such a basic solution to a problem that followed me around for some time.